Flashbacks.

[peupeu]

When I have flashbacks, I try to write them down. It is like I "tell" them to somebody. Little by little it helps me.. :hug:to you Kat!!!

 

[KAT]

Thank you peupue:hug:

 

[Jojo]

I've been in therapy since jan this time round...and have been gradually dealing with tuning into my thoughts when i notice a change in mood. I've been totally unconscious of my feelings connected to my thoughts...kind of like a 'split'.

I've been like it my whole life and had various bouts of councelling and 2 breakdowns, and been on SSRIs since 2002, just now I've been getting really well and then I had 2 weeks of 'fun' and possibly self destruction...then last week while having sex with someone I had what you guys call a 'flashback'. This is my first ever memory of sexual abuse and it has really scared me. I'm frightened of my own head again and I am feeling dirty/ashamed/alone and very confused.

I've been treated for depression/anxiety/low-self esteem and perfectionism and have emotional abuse history by my mother but this memory has come from nowhere.
Do flashbacks get more detailed? Or are they really brief...or I suppose everyone is different?!

 

[Lucycat]

Do flashbacks get more detailed? Or are they really brief...or I suppose everyone is different?!

I think you are right that every one is different. Also I would say for me every flashback is different. Some are incredibly brief. If I see it coming I can distract myself by grounding. But that is not often, Flashbacks seem to have a habit of coming out of nowhere. Yesterday I caught a glimpse of a man's nose and it set me off. But it was brief, I told myself it was only a flashback and moved on. Not easy. But certainly for me, they are becoming less frequent and having much less of an impact on me.

 

[Nyx]

I've been in therapy since jan this time round...and have been gradually dealing with tuning into my thoughts when i notice a change in mood. I've been totally unconscious of my feelings connected to my thoughts...kind of like a 'split'.

How far along are you with repairing the split? And how long did it take you to get to this point?

I am also at that point in therapy but I see no progress and we've been at it for a few months.. I can never explain what set me off, why I cried, why I felt sad or angry all of a sudden. We've tried different methods, I just can't seem to reconnect. Maybe I got too used to "feeling in a logical way" that now all I'm left with is the cognitive side...

Do flashbacks get more detailed? Or are they really brief...or I suppose everyone is different?!

I think they really depend on the person, their story, their background, therapy, etc. For me they were never extremely strong. I remember really panicking and almost having a stroke two times, when I was about to fall asleep. But the ones during the day are easier and now they are almost gone.

You could talk to your therapist, ask for some grounding techniques, in case there's a next time.

Take care.

 

[Jojo]

How far along are you with repairing the split?

And how long did it take you to get to this point?

I began this therapy in January 2011:
At first I was not even noticing thoughts or moods...just physical feelings of panic/fluttering/sickness.
Then through a thought diary I've been able to connect physical feelings with moods...which was really difficult because for weeks I was just writing 'I feel flat/sad' and drawing pictures of facial expressions cos I couldn't assign words to how I was feeling.

After about 3/4 weeks I then was able to write thoughts that went with the physical feelings/moods - but these thoughts were very negative but not really deep...like beating my self up for not cooking biscuits very well!

Then in March I had to do an intensive activity diary where ever 2 hours for a whole week I'd write down what I was doing, my mood and then rate my achievement/enjoyment/closeness to others. This took huge effort and my perfectionism really helped!

Then after about 2/3 weeks I was actually assigning thoughts to feelings...very negative/self-hating/thoughts but none the less they came. This was a hugely difficult time as I hadn't known that I actually hated myself for all these years. I convinced myself that I had ASD or personality disorder or something.

April was a kinda grieving time where I began to come to terms with my sense of loss.

May has been self-destruction and pushing my own boundaries...fighting to break my own rules, cos this is something I do to cope.

In terms of how long...
If I am to believe my own thoughts/memories...abuse occurred age 5/6 and this was then followed by years of emotional abuse and family break down. Total chaos took over my head for the rest of my living memory.

I'm now aged 33, and demanded to my GP that I see a proper therapist following total career sabotage/self-destruction/breakdown what ever you want to call it. Its been 6 months of weekly therapy with someone I trust/connect/put complete faith in and something seems to been working cos I've just had the hardest week I think in my whole life and I'm still here to tell the tale.

I wonder how I will feel once I come down from the feeling I've got right now of having come through the session in one piece!?!

 

[WonderingWhy]

Jojo,

I admire your strength!

 

[Jojo]

i've been through a really shitty period these last few weeks...but am finding strength from my therapy and some good friends...i can stress the benifit of CBT if anyone has the opportunity to access it...plus my therapist is brill....we really click and she knows me inside out!...thanks for this support and best wishes to everyone..x.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Jojo.

Glad the CBT is working for you. It is also great that you have found the 'right' therapist for you. The relationship you have is more important than the technique they use - although that is, of course, very important!

Sorry that you've had a bad time, but good to hear things are getting better. :)

 

[Powder]

I'm having a lot of flashbacks even when I'm around my family. I try to act like nothing is happening but in side I feel like screaming. How do any of you handle this? This happens at family dinners, picnics or just watching TV.

Hi Kat,

I'm so sad about this. This does relate to something my T said: she said that when you look at your "new" family and how much a treasure and so fragile they are to you, it's normal to feel anger and other things at how my/your father didn't treat us that way, and it is triggering. In other words, when we look at our kids, we are triggered as we see what he must have seen, but he was abusive to kids. It's not easy to even think this stuff. I really feel for you. Your "good" is a different reflection of the past "bad." Just realizing that the two are totally separate is a start.

In my past, when I was in my early 20's, I got married, and ready or not, got pregnant. My H is totally loving and supportive, which is always a surprise when you had a father like I had. To this day, I don't get it: how one man in my life was so callous and abusive, and the other so self-sacrificing and so gentle and caring. Well, despite this, the old stuff still wants its say. So after my first child was born, I regularly threatened my H, saying, "if you ever laid a hand on my kids, I won't turn you into the police, I will kill you with my bare hands in your sleep." Okay, the crazy part is that at the time, I was only aware of 5% of the abuse. So it goes to show that though I didn't want to see the abuse in its entirety, and had to wait another 14 years for the flashbacks to show the abuse to me in its full ugliness and its trauma, some part of me always knew. And having kids left me feeling very VULNERABLE, because now I had a new life so fragile to defend from abuse.

I had my H on the couch (he snores anyways) and my daughter in my bed with me for ten years! I was protecting her from abuse, or trying to fix my past somehow. I didn't even know why.

Your kids are a trigger. Plain and simple, they are a reminder of what happened to your child self. Your inner child is speaking up for herself, and asking for you to take action or to listen to her now.

You are doing the right thing. Talk about it often with your therapist and also with your spouse and us and close and trustworthy people. Get it off your chest, and really let it all out. Let yourself cry. Emotion is like a wave. This kind of emotion, that's been lurking so long, is more like a Tsunami. But you can allow it to wash over you, step back from it mentally, name it, claim where it came from (date/event) and let it go. Move on to some other thought. Don't avoid it, but don't let it be more than what it is, just a feeling, an emotion. You are not your emotions. They are like waves in the ocean of the past, and you can get out and dry off and take a break while you are at the beach, healing.

((((HUGS KAT))))

Much Love, Muse

 

[KAT]

I went to my daughters this weekend. So we were watching television together. As was petting her cat,I had a flashback of me when I was 13. I on our couch with my cat watching television when I looked up and saw dad watching me. I started to get down on myself even as I told my inner child that I loved her, and that it was all dad.

Then we went shopping. I started to feel paranoid, that I was strange, and people could tell I wasn't right. I think this is the way I felt most of the time growing up. I'm going to talk to my counselor about this. I think this is one of the issues my inner child wants me to work on.

As the day went on I started to feel calmer. My daughter said that I handled the flashback very well. No one could tell that I had one, or that I felt a little weird. It's that smiling on the out side,screaming on the inside thing I do so well. :(

I have my granddaughter this week, we are going to the zoo. I know I'll have fun being with her and my husband. The truth is that I would rather stay home and lick my wounds. I could see my self curling up in bed and staying for about a week or so. You know what's weird, sometimes when I feel really blue, one of my cats will come around demanding love. :)

 

[Powder]

Hi Kat, maybe it would be good to start communicating when you are suffering more than usual. For example, instead of splitting yourself into the inner/outer person, match them up more, and be clear that you are not feeling well, without having to go into detail. The reason is that you are honoring yourself when you do so, and also not letting the inner child who is suffering to isolate you from your loved ones anymore. They love you and you love them. This is not like childhood, when those who should have loved only contaminated your love and needs and took advantage and abused over a long period of time, damaging your childhood trust and love process. You are ready to heal that now. One thing that may be helpful is to heal the rift between inner/outer somehow. This is who you are and I love that. I honor that. You can increase your self-love by honoring your own healing and giving yourself grace during this time, and allowing others to see that you are not always a smiley face sticker. You are a human being, with complex emotions, and you deserve love for all of it. Not just when you are smiling. No more acting okay so that you can begin to actually, genuinely feel okay.

This is something I am working on also. The desire to "be strong" for my family has over-run my life and forced me into roles that are not genuine. Thus, my real pain is burried deeper and deeper. How can I heal in that process? The truth is I can't. So now, I have to admit, "Hey, I'm having a tough time right now, maybe I'll pull through it later today. Let's take a walk." My H will often say, "Okay, maybe we can talk about it on the walk." It helps to be more transparent about the process with those you can share it with. You obviously don't want to burden your kids, and you're a good mom. You love them and feel you need to hide the "negative." However, they are adults. The other side of the coin is that they will never know and understand you if they don't realize at least a little what you have been through and what you continue to suffer and grow from. Sharing just a tiny bit in a caring way may do wonders. This may be the source of the flashbacks.

I suggest you talk with your T about these issues because I am not that familiar with your family relationships and how this could impact what you have there. Also, I am not trained in this and am receiving help for the same thing. My heart is what I am using to feel out what would help me in this situation and help to settle these feelings inside. It seems to me that your suffering must be put to some use for it to stop haunting you.

In my case, I was doing the same, hiding my pain from everyone, even me, and the anger and hurt: it was projected to the whole world. I would find myself shaking in rage at work meetings. I suspected everyone of being against me. When I had my flashbacks and the memories came flooding back, I knew where the hurt and rage originated and belonged. Recognizing the origin sort of magically stopped the projection of the pain onto the whole world. Suddenly, it belonged in its place. I still have anger, but know where it belongs and comes from.

Your flashbacks mean there is something to do to put things into a new perspective. Since it's happening with the family/kids/gkids/pets there is something there to do to shift things a bit. It's really a shift in perspective more than an action, but they tend to affect each other. The change in perspective changes everything but it happens naturally.

Whatever it is you are changing, I honor your work and wisdom of your mind to do it.