Flashbacks.

[KAT]

I don't want to share every time I have a flashback. I want to have one, put it away until I am alone and can work on it myself by writing, my counselor etc. My family know about the abuse. I have talked to my husband about things that dad had done to me when I was young. He's very supportive, he the one who sees me wake at night crying. He listens to my poetry.

My daughter, well she doesn't like to see me upset. My granddaughter is fourteen, she know I was abused and that I'm going to a counselor but I don't go into details with her. My son in law has MS, I just tell him I am having flashbacks. They know that right now that I'm having a hard time. Crying at the drop of the pin..I'll talk to my counselor about this. The zoo was great,I had a lot of fun with my granddaughter.

I think I have lots of issues,but I'm working on them. I have so many I lose count. I did a timeline of the abuse. My abuse extended 13 years. My life and memories was very brutal. That why I'm in the counseling, I don't how I to handle all these horrible flashes. I write about it,and scream and kill pillows. That flashback was mild.

 

[KAT]

Also I cry. My counselor said that I am grieving.

 

[Heather]

(((Kat))). You are not alone. I have a lot of issue too.

Hang in there. Heather

 

[KAT]

Thank you

 

[KAT]

The reason I did a timeline was because I was keeping my inner child separate into to age groups instead of the abuse happening to one child. So I had child no.5, no.12, no.16 etc. It was easier for me to handle the abuse. But my inner child just wanted to be one child, so I did the timeline to connect everything. Now my inner child tells me the ages and what happened. But the difference is that I know she is one child that had a really horrible life. It makes me cry.

 

[Powder]

Yes, it does merit grief and grieving. I can relate to the distinction of different inner children by age sets; in fact, there was a vivid dream about reconnecting those threads of time/experience to connect up the different girls so that I could be whole also. This did precipitate the flashbacks and the grieving also.

From what we now know about traumatic childhood memories, we had to divide and conquer in order to survive and keep our brains free to learn skills needed to cope and survive, such as in school, and social skills. The splitting up of time periods was part of that coping mechanism.

To this day, are you one to keep a lot of memorabilia and photos? I have noticed that along with the splitting of the self/past-self episodes, I tend to avoid thinking of the past, and so do not tend to like photographs and memory-making. This is not particularly healthy, I'm sure, but is part of what you are talking about. I have observed that most people like taking and looking at pictures, but even now with my own family, this is an area I have brought with me. I have survived by being a present (hard worker) and future-oriented thinker. There was always a search for a happy ending to the sad story of my life. I thought if I worked hard enough, it would arrive. My H and my kids are what I needed/wanted as part of that happy ending, but since the PTSD has taken its physical toll on my body at age 34, I had to admit that there's so much more work to be done inside me. And I need to be albe to enjoy life and find joy. This is not easy to regain, once lost.

Many have said they have had repeated bouts of flashbacks. This has not been the case for me yet. Just once. It was horrible for over a month-my body went through shock. So I cannot imagine this happening several times. :affection:I am sad that this can occur, because I doubt even therapists who haven't had this can understand the utter pain and disorientation that it causes. ((((HUGS Kat)))))

May I ask some questions to you and open it up to others who suffer from Flashbacks of CSA to help me understand and also for all of us to feel validated by each other?
( If answering would cause unhelpful pain, then please don't try. Ok?)

1. How many years have you known/remembered the abuse until now?

2. Did you learn from the FB's or did you know already from regular memory (even if seen from the ceiling or altered states)?

3. From what you mentioned about creating a timeline of the abuse, you learned it spanned 13 years. Did this surprise you? Did you originally not really know the extent or duration of the abuse and supose it was less time?

4. How many of us with CSA do not know the duration or have any way so far to know?

Your current work is a lot to take in. You've worked hard. And your family sounds supportive, which is good.

Have you found it necessary to "get away" and have a vacation from thinking about this? Recently, I had a few days away from my home and family for work to Las Vegas. It was kind of fun to be out, even if for work. There was no time to think much on the abuse or therapy while I was gone.

A day after coming home, it kind of hit me again, and I had a little depression and fatigue. But like you, my C. says I'm still in the grieving process, somewhere between Anger/Depression/Acceptance.

I read this can take a year, and I've only had three months, so obviously, too soon to be done with it. :cry:

Hoping someone can throw us a line about this process and lessening the pain of the FBs you are still having.

Love, Muse

 

[KAT]

For years I couldn't even watch child actors on television. I would begin to sink into a depression. I never liked having my picture taken, and destroyed most of the photos I had of my family when I was young. (avoidance) I hated seeing myself in the pictures. I could barely look in a mirror. When I did look in a mirror I had a hard time seeing myself.(dissociation) So finally one day I took all my pictures from my childhood and threw them all away. I feel a little bad about destroying the pictures,now that I know my child self is not to blame for the abuse.

The reason I started therapy was random FB and nightmares. I would wake up choking. It was very scarey. My flashbacks were so disturbing to me such as a flash of my dads face out of the blue during sex. Scarey. Suicide was looking good. My self hatred was at a all time high. My family had no clue. Now I tell them when I am having a hard time dealing with my past.

I've been in therapy almost two years. The first year was just dealing with the fact that I had PTSD and self hatred. The second year I have started working on the trauma and letting it go. We use daily affirmations,CBT and EMDR. I also I journal and of course I have the forum to vent on.

I have always remembered parts of the abuse that wasn't life threatening. When I stared writing about one part of the abuse I would have flooding. (multiple flashbacks) So I have had plenty of memories to write about. The more I write the more i remember. Also I have triggers that are unreal, I have just started to realize how many. I guess I need to start making a list.

About the timeline, I knew along that my dad was an evil dick. I recently remembered what had occurred when I was 15 and 16. I knew parts of the abuse but not everything. I still don't remember everything,just pieces. Putting my life altogether was overwhelming.

I'm fighting negative emotions continually. I am going to talk to my counselor about the trouble I have been having this, I even beat myself up for grieving. :(

 

[KAT]

I have woken to dad choking me with oral rape. Trigger -sleeping.:stomp: I must go beat up my pillow.

 

[KAT]

Thinking that I'm helping someone else, helps me.:) I think I would have been a wonderful person without dad etc.:cry: Damn crying again.

 

[Mitzi]

It sounds to me like you are a very wonderful person now, in spite of your dad and his horrific behavior and actions. I don't think it is fair to yourself to say you would have been better or different without your dad. He is the one who was so very wrong, not you!

 

[KAT]

Does the flashbacks just become memories?

 

[Nyx]

The flashbacks are memories. They're strong because they're denied. Once they're processed and everything is felt, things go back to normal.