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Flashbacks.
- Post starter KAT
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Kat, Your sleep disturbance sounds like a good place to start to do some tweaking so that the rest of your life can feel more peaceful. Have you been able to get some good medicine or something to help with sleep?
Nightmares are my problem, sometimes dealing with the Trauma and sometimes other stuff, but T related. So I was proscribed Clonodine. It is a blood pressure medicine for high B.P. However, you take it at night, and it makes you feel a good, drowsy, peaceful feeling before you go to sleep. The Drs have been using it with Vets with bad PTSD sleep disturbances with good results. So I tried it, and really like it. Also, it's not addictive, although cutting down gradually is recommended when you wish to stop. No real side effects that I can tell now, but only been on it 4 months.
If you have biological stuff that is triggering the FBs, such as perhaps sleep apnea, would you be willing to go to a sleep doctor and be tested for that?
After reading all your posts again, my maternal insticts have kicked in, and I feel that getting your basics, like sleep, working in your favor is the first main step to getting you feeling okay, and then great.
I really want to hear that you've found a sleep solution(s) that you like, and are now getting the right kind of peaceful Zzzzzz's you need to get back into a balance. Life will resolve itself better once that has occured, I think.
Thank you also for your responses to my questions. It helps me to understand how this unfolds. Mine is happening similar. It's still weird to me that my brain could hold it all for so long and then just dump it on me, like your's is basically doing. Yeah, you knew about some of it, but not the worst of it. Same here.
Many (((HUGS))) and hope to hear from you soon,
Muse
Nightmares are my problem, sometimes dealing with the Trauma and sometimes other stuff, but T related. So I was proscribed Clonodine. It is a blood pressure medicine for high B.P. However, you take it at night, and it makes you feel a good, drowsy, peaceful feeling before you go to sleep. The Drs have been using it with Vets with bad PTSD sleep disturbances with good results. So I tried it, and really like it. Also, it's not addictive, although cutting down gradually is recommended when you wish to stop. No real side effects that I can tell now, but only been on it 4 months.
If you have biological stuff that is triggering the FBs, such as perhaps sleep apnea, would you be willing to go to a sleep doctor and be tested for that?
After reading all your posts again, my maternal insticts have kicked in, and I feel that getting your basics, like sleep, working in your favor is the first main step to getting you feeling okay, and then great.
I really want to hear that you've found a sleep solution(s) that you like, and are now getting the right kind of peaceful Zzzzzz's you need to get back into a balance. Life will resolve itself better once that has occured, I think.
Thank you also for your responses to my questions. It helps me to understand how this unfolds. Mine is happening similar. It's still weird to me that my brain could hold it all for so long and then just dump it on me, like your's is basically doing. Yeah, you knew about some of it, but not the worst of it. Same here.
Many (((HUGS))) and hope to hear from you soon,
Muse
- Post starter
- #40
Thank you Muse:hug:.I have medication for nerve pain I take every night. I wake up but I,m not scared like I use to be. Also after being in therapy for so long I don't have the nightmares like I use to. I do a mantra every night before I sleep. I have also explain to my little girl self that dad is dead and can't help hurt her anymore.
I meditate when I wake up and fall right back to sleep. I more I do the meditating the easier It has become. I have started to meditate during the day too. Its relaxing and helps me understand more of the issues I need to work. Right now I am trying to face more of my triggers. My counselor is helping me with this now.
I'm starting to feel better I'm not crying all the time or feeling depress like I was. I am still grieving for the life I didn't I have because of the CPTSD. I couldn't work out side of my house, being around people always triggered me. Now I go to Jazzersize everyday and I'm comfortable there. So that's a big improvement.
I was even uncomfortable around my family. I only felt comfortable around my husband. He worked so much there was no pressure to talk. He talked I listened, no pressure. I'm not real talkative but I'm doing much better. I was very stressed around my daughter, worrying about her all the time. But now we have a great relationship. She calls me everyday and I go and stay with her about once a month.
Even Holidays were horrible. A lot of the times Dad attacked me was during holidays. The holidays were a big trigger for me. I am still working on this issue. At least now I know why I freak out.:)
I meditate when I wake up and fall right back to sleep. I more I do the meditating the easier It has become. I have started to meditate during the day too. Its relaxing and helps me understand more of the issues I need to work. Right now I am trying to face more of my triggers. My counselor is helping me with this now.
I'm starting to feel better I'm not crying all the time or feeling depress like I was. I am still grieving for the life I didn't I have because of the CPTSD. I couldn't work out side of my house, being around people always triggered me. Now I go to Jazzersize everyday and I'm comfortable there. So that's a big improvement.
I was even uncomfortable around my family. I only felt comfortable around my husband. He worked so much there was no pressure to talk. He talked I listened, no pressure. I'm not real talkative but I'm doing much better. I was very stressed around my daughter, worrying about her all the time. But now we have a great relationship. She calls me everyday and I go and stay with her about once a month.
Even Holidays were horrible. A lot of the times Dad attacked me was during holidays. The holidays were a big trigger for me. I am still working on this issue. At least now I know why I freak out.:)
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- #41
Latest FB ,Ten years old.It was summertime and everyone else was outside playing. I was being punish for something I can't remember. Dad would sat me down in the hallway for hours. I wasn't to move or talk to anyone else in the family. No food or drink. Later my inner child showed me dad orally raping me in the bathroom. I can't figure out why I need to know these things that happened. I know dad was to blame. Is this one of the reason I'm more comfortable alone? This type of punishment happened quite a bit. I was separated from the family a lot.
Kat, I have heard of this happening to another woman friend. She is full of rage at her mother for allowing her to be isolated off from the family and abused like this, even if the mom didn't fully witness the sexual abuse part, she had to know of the rest and what led up to it.
Were you the only one who was abused or were siblings abused also?
By isolating yourself, you are living out-continuing the isolation to yourself, so that is something you can work on. Isolation is itself punishing. You never, and no child ever, deserves any of what you were given. None of it. In fact, we all have a birthright, I believe, to be treated like the wonderful spirits we are, here having a human life. If we all treated ourselves with the love we deserve, and gave it out to others all of the time, being here would be entirely different and would shift "reality" in a huge way.
Buddhism says "Life IS suffering" and that is our reality. When I look at life, I can't disagree, but we must not accept suffering as inevitable. We must exist in a state of love that was NOT given or experienced before. I find this to be very difficult while experiencing significant pain of any kind.
I was telling my H that my father abused me when his suffering was likely very acute and he was not receiving help. If he had rec'd help and wise counsel before having me, I would have had a chance to not have had the abuse. For myself, I can get help for my pain. I can seek to not live in a constant state of suffering, so that I can make space in myself for love and healing. Then, I can be able to feel and give love in greater quantity and quality. This is my goal. When my body is dead, my spirit will only judge how well I used the power I had here to do that for others, how well I navigated pain and still loved.
When my grandfather was dying of cancer, despite being in a lot of pain, and being in the hospital, unable to move from his bed, he was loving. I was 8. When I came into his room, he managed to smile, and gave me a hug. He asked me about my spelling tests I had been working on improving, and showed me that he cared. Now that I am older, and have been in much pain in hospital myself, I see how difficult it can be to separate the mind from pain/fear and think of others needs first. It's easier with kids, but it is a challenge. This is what we're working on. Don't give up. Your kids and grandkids love and need you. You are of the greatest importance to them and no matter what happened to you or what you did in the past, you are able to be and do what you want now. Tell your inner child that you are an adult who choses to love, and to love and heal the past, present, and future by your strength.
Much Love to you and your family, Muse
Were you the only one who was abused or were siblings abused also?
By isolating yourself, you are living out-continuing the isolation to yourself, so that is something you can work on. Isolation is itself punishing. You never, and no child ever, deserves any of what you were given. None of it. In fact, we all have a birthright, I believe, to be treated like the wonderful spirits we are, here having a human life. If we all treated ourselves with the love we deserve, and gave it out to others all of the time, being here would be entirely different and would shift "reality" in a huge way.
Buddhism says "Life IS suffering" and that is our reality. When I look at life, I can't disagree, but we must not accept suffering as inevitable. We must exist in a state of love that was NOT given or experienced before. I find this to be very difficult while experiencing significant pain of any kind.
I was telling my H that my father abused me when his suffering was likely very acute and he was not receiving help. If he had rec'd help and wise counsel before having me, I would have had a chance to not have had the abuse. For myself, I can get help for my pain. I can seek to not live in a constant state of suffering, so that I can make space in myself for love and healing. Then, I can be able to feel and give love in greater quantity and quality. This is my goal. When my body is dead, my spirit will only judge how well I used the power I had here to do that for others, how well I navigated pain and still loved.
When my grandfather was dying of cancer, despite being in a lot of pain, and being in the hospital, unable to move from his bed, he was loving. I was 8. When I came into his room, he managed to smile, and gave me a hug. He asked me about my spelling tests I had been working on improving, and showed me that he cared. Now that I am older, and have been in much pain in hospital myself, I see how difficult it can be to separate the mind from pain/fear and think of others needs first. It's easier with kids, but it is a challenge. This is what we're working on. Don't give up. Your kids and grandkids love and need you. You are of the greatest importance to them and no matter what happened to you or what you did in the past, you are able to be and do what you want now. Tell your inner child that you are an adult who choses to love, and to love and heal the past, present, and future by your strength.
Much Love to you and your family, Muse
Lionheart
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Hi Kat,
I have found that the flashbacks have gotten fewer and further between as I have healed from the abuse. I hope that you find this to be true for you as well. I made a list of all the things that are likely to cause me to have flashbacks so that I can recognize them for what they are when they happen.
I usually excuse myself and go for a walk if I am around others. I was fortunate enough to be able to tell my friends and family about them and get the support I needed. One of my instructions for them was that if I get that 'glazed look on my face' and don't seem to be in the here and now, not to touch me, unless I am doing something to harm myself. This way I don't get shocked back into "reality."
I also started a notebook so that I can write about my flashbacks. This gives me a safe way to explore the reasons behind them and what I wish to do about them. I hope this helps you!
healing hugs,
LH
I have found that the flashbacks have gotten fewer and further between as I have healed from the abuse. I hope that you find this to be true for you as well. I made a list of all the things that are likely to cause me to have flashbacks so that I can recognize them for what they are when they happen.
I usually excuse myself and go for a walk if I am around others. I was fortunate enough to be able to tell my friends and family about them and get the support I needed. One of my instructions for them was that if I get that 'glazed look on my face' and don't seem to be in the here and now, not to touch me, unless I am doing something to harm myself. This way I don't get shocked back into "reality."
I also started a notebook so that I can write about my flashbacks. This gives me a safe way to explore the reasons behind them and what I wish to do about them. I hope this helps you!
healing hugs,
LH
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- #44
Thank you guys. Now that I think about it, I have read that sometimes the abused person will continue repeating or reliving the abuse over. By Isolating myself I'm actually doing the same thing my dad did to me. I see that now. I am going to talk to my counselor about this. Also I am going to start paying more attention to my triggers. I also write about my flashbacks. I usually remember more as I write.
My dad didn't start doing things to my sister until she was older around 14. She said that he never raped her. I hope its true. He was very cruel man. I remember he loved to beat me with a belt when I was laying on my bed (my dress was up) and then he finish the beatings he would climb over my face and orally rape me. Sometime he would just smile at me with a evil grin. He scared me to death. I was continually shaking. I was always getting in trouble, mostly for not paying attention.
I'm not completely isolated. I have family I am close to, my sister in law. I also go to jazzersize four times a week. I do all the shopping, running to the bank,etc. Its not just the flashbacks, just knowing what my life was like, how can I ever feel really comfortable around people.
I can't write about my mom yet. Later. Just that she is schizophrenic and is in institution. She is a major trigger for me.
My dad didn't start doing things to my sister until she was older around 14. She said that he never raped her. I hope its true. He was very cruel man. I remember he loved to beat me with a belt when I was laying on my bed (my dress was up) and then he finish the beatings he would climb over my face and orally rape me. Sometime he would just smile at me with a evil grin. He scared me to death. I was continually shaking. I was always getting in trouble, mostly for not paying attention.
I'm not completely isolated. I have family I am close to, my sister in law. I also go to jazzersize four times a week. I do all the shopping, running to the bank,etc. Its not just the flashbacks, just knowing what my life was like, how can I ever feel really comfortable around people.
I can't write about my mom yet. Later. Just that she is schizophrenic and is in institution. She is a major trigger for me.
Sorry to hear that you have stuff about your mom, too. You have had a double challenge then in this life. Both parents. Your sister may not be ready to talk, or it may be too triggering still. I could understand that. At least she is willing to share that she was also abused though. It's not enough to totally validate your experience, but it's corroborating, and validating enough that you know someone for sure knows and believes, sadly, for the same reasons and suffering.
You are not repeating abuse or continuing, only doing what validates your suffering, as if to say "Yes, this hurts. Yes, this did happen. Yes, I am right, this is haunting me still and needs to be dealt with." It's not a negative thing really. It's your own way of working on it right now, and it can be used to heal, like the body's way of splinting itself. You are healing, and sometimes it feels worse before it feels better. I see real progress in your statements, like you are opening up. This is hard but it will do you good. You are going to Jazzercize and other steps.
You are not repeating abuse or continuing, only doing what validates your suffering, as if to say "Yes, this hurts. Yes, this did happen. Yes, I am right, this is haunting me still and needs to be dealt with." It's not a negative thing really. It's your own way of working on it right now, and it can be used to heal, like the body's way of splinting itself. You are healing, and sometimes it feels worse before it feels better. I see real progress in your statements, like you are opening up. This is hard but it will do you good. You are going to Jazzercize and other steps.
Yep, I couldn't agree with more.. I cry and grieve easily as the feelings, repressed for a lifetime come to the surface and are finally faced. I count myself lucky that I can have them, difficult as they are, these feelings because they are me.. and at last I can begin to feel and understand what it is to be me. Sad, yes, but true for me. Soo 'too bad' but as I let myself grow in life and acceptance of the awful past I find my future is brighter.
I can begin to grieve and let go. All with the help of my friends a good therapist and psychiatrist, 12 step meetings and online groups like this.
I wish all of you here all the best. My heart goes out to you and please know you are not alone, no you are never alone.. even when you were most vulnerable I believe you were not alone. God, the higher power, spirits are with you, that I believe. And it has empowered me. Never easy but worth the effort, life is. Hang in there.. it will get better with time, good relationships and yes, some grieving. Peace and love and blessings..
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- #47
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- #48
I seen my counselor. She gives me homework, this week I'm finger painting and putting some of my poetic random thoughts on the paintings. Also she said I need to release more of my inner child's pain. So I'm still screaming,crying and beating up my pillow.:scream::goingtocry::furious:My inner child was a very scared.sad and lonely child. These are the some of the feelings I am releasing for her.
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