I agree with everyone above who replied.
And in reading the latest "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker (link:
http://www.pete-walker.com/complex_ptsd_book.html)
Walker calls these long but transient depression states the "abandonment melange" or the "abandonment depression" at the "core of C-PTSD." Alternately, he mentions "emotional flashbacks" which are flashbacks to the toxic emotion of abandonment/lack of parental attachment in a C-PTSD generating family. Emotional flashbacks are the same as flashbacks, only they lack a visual or sensory component. They tend to last longer, and they are more of a challenge to recognize AS FLASHBACKS and harder to self-validate and break down and process until you figure them out. I highly suggest his book for doing that. I agree with him at least 80%; in principle I agree 100%.
Walker says that the "trauma onion" metaphor describes the outer layers, which consist of physical and sexual assaults (obvious trauma). Under those experiential layers, he says, survivors may, if they progress in their recovery and learn to get in touch with their feelings, and are able to process their emotional abandonment by crying/grieving and angering and verbal/written venting THEN, they can start to work on the deepest layers of the abandonment depression. This, like the grieving process, is true, but the steps and the cycling back to work on stages of grief is not as neat and clean as the stages theory.
I would use different words or a different metaphor.
I started to heal by first feeling the depression and anxiety, which took a long time to alert me to the outer layer of the physical, sexual and emotional/spiritual attacks by both of my parents. After processing many of those flashbacks and processing the emotional and somatic flashbacks with them, I have lately landed back to the fear and flashbacks of "abandonment" again.
Complex trauma is complex, in that it's all connected. I don't really see "layers" but rather dealing with whatevers gets triggered and whatever surfaces as it surfaces.
I have felt what you are feeling, I think. Also, it can be a form of numbing and avoiding the release of the dissociated Hurt. Walker says Hurt always has an Anger and a Crying component. Both have to be let to surface and just gone through. Many, will be stuck n the crying and crying. And it just goes and goes without resolution because the anger piece is being held back. Or vica versa. Angry, complaining, bitter, but no crying.
My advice is to try to "let it all come out" and just let the anger come and don't fight it. Tell the trusted supporter and T. about it and give yourself 110% respect for doing the work of Angering. When it comes, let the tears come out until there is a pool of tears on the floor. Shoot for a visible pool you need a washcloth or hand towel to mop up after. Let it come tearing out, pouring out.
Finally, share what you remember of the trauma that caused the feelings of anger and hurt, and feel self-compassion, love and respect as you share. Never blame or shame yourself. You are doing the work. Major respect for anyone doing this work.
