Fond Memory Of Abuser Confuses Me

[garden]

I searched my memory for meaningful interaction with grown ups and was both astonished, and appalled with my truth. The man who groomed me for sexual abuse is the only person in my life who gave me meaningful interactions during my childhood. He did this during the grooming process (I am in no way counting the abuse, just the grooming). He used to ask me about my day. He wanted to know who my best friends were, what my favorite subjects in school were, and what my favorite activities were. He proved to me that he was sincerely paying attention with his responses, and by the way that he remembered everything that I said. He gave me eye contact, he smiled, and he made me forget about time.

I understand intellectually that he did these things to control me and win me over so that he could exploit my trust and then eventually my body. However, I found myself remembering these interactions with fondness. I had not thought about these specific times in I don’t know how long, and while I sat and pondered, I found myself smiling, feeling warmth, feeling good… And then I was appalled with myself. WTF?!!!

The only other grown up who gave me positive interactions was my track and field coach, and while I remember him with fondness, I did not actually develop a bond with him the way that I did with my abuser. Also, I had already outgrown 'childhood' by this time.

I can’t help but feel something positive when I remember the talks and time that I had with him. These feelings are totally separate from the feelings that I have when I think about the abuse. I find myself even…dare I say, treasuring the memory of feeling loved. It’s as if it’s literally, the feeling of being loved that I remember, not him, just that feeling and experience that I seem to be fond of. What's wrong with me? This seems so twisted.

 

[scout86]

The abuse was wrong, no question about that. But it's possible he actually truly liked you, you know. I don't think most abusers see it as "abuse". I'm not saying it's not, but just that their version of reality is different from "normal" people.

It's pretty sad that the other adults in your life didn't give you the attention you needed and deserved. If they had, could be you wouldn't have found your abuser as appealing. Children, adults too, for that matter, need positive attention. In your case, it sounds like your abuser was the only one who gave it to you and that's really too bad. And not your fault!

 

[shimmerz]

It's pretty sad that the other adults in your life didn't give you the attention you needed and deserved.

Sometimes as part of the grooming cycle, the abuser alienates their victim from everyone else. Plants the seeds of hostility inside them towards others. That can affect the way people interact with the victim. Abusers don't want their victims to trust others. They might 'tell secrets' if they did.

Just my thought when I read this posting. Unfortunately @Lewa , your abuser wanted you all to himself. That may mean that he was plying you with 'manipulative' attention which is not realistic in 'run of the mill' good relationships. The bar is perhaps set too high as to what you expect from others.... just a thought.

ETA: There is NOTHING wrong with you.

 

[rightkindofme]

Nothing is wrong with you. It is normal, natural, and appropriate for people to feel positive feelings towards people who pay attention to them. There were also abusive times. And that makes the totality of the relationship complicated. But those good moments were good moments. It is hard sometimes that abusers are usually not stone cold monsters. They are complicated people who love us and hurt us.

 

[garden]

Thank you guys for sharing your perspectives. I think there is a part of me that thinks I should have no fondness whatsoever towards anything that I experienced with him. It seems sick that I would remember him fondly at all, look at what he did to me...so I'm uneasy with why I felt all warm and fuzzy as I thought about him. Instinct (or something) is telling me this is wrong and twisted for me to feel like this. I do not feel these emotions when I think about the way my parents or aunt interacted with me. I don't have any of those feelings about any of the grown ups that I knew growing up...just him.

But those good moments were good moments.

I'm trying to chew on this. Thanks for getting me thinking.

He was an extremely intelligent and wealthy man who would donate buildings to orphanages. He was perceived by the community to be a humanitarian, yet he sexually abused girls from the orphanage who came to work on his farm (I worked on his farm too). I was oceans away from my parents when this all went down, he knew this, and exploited it. It's hard for me to believe he may have actually liked me when I know for a fact that he was a serial abuser. It seems to me it's just how he got off. I was just a body to him.

I am trying to figure out how to frame all of this so that I'm okay still, I'm going in scary circles. Something about feeling this fondness might mean that I actually wanted it, I invited it, I deserved it. My mind says otherwise, but these emotions speak something twisted and ugly...

It's like I'm a fraud. I wasn't a victim of anything.... These emotions are making it murky... I probably should not be thinking about this.

 

[shimmerz]

I wasn't a victim of anything....

Really common way of thinking. Cognitive dissonance perhaps... are you in therapy Lewa?

 

[scout86]

I actually wanted it, I invited it, I deserved it.

Wanted, invited, and deserved WHAT? Positive attention? Yep, you more than likely wanted it and definitely deserved it and probably invited it. Being abused? Hardly! You were too young to even have a good gasp on what he wanted, true? Wanting, needing and deserving attention is something human beings are wired for and with good reason. If he had content with just being nice to you and mentoring you, it would have been fine. That that wasn't enough for him is HIM, not you.

Like @shimmerz said, this is a pretty common thing to wonder about. Even if victims DID invite the abuse, a decent and normal person wouldn't go there.

 

[garden]

That that wasn't enough for him is HIM, not you.

Yes, this is right. Thanks scout.

are you in therapy Lewa?

Kinda sorta, I've been to 3 sessions since first week of March. My therapist takes forever to get back to me. I emailed him to run it by him on Friday and got an auto message that he's out until next week. I've been trying to go at this stuff alone because I'm feeling so much better... I read some stuff that supports what you said @shimmerz, it's not uncommon, I just never questioned it this way before, I never doubted my own innocence, these thoughts had me feeling all weird...

Thanks for your perspectives, this was helpful.

 

[intheprocess]

might be out of sequence but- Sometimes as part of the grooming cycle, the abuser alienates their victim from everyone else.
that's what mine did- made me paranoid (my counselor says it was hypervigilance); felt like I was an extension of him and not a person, I didn't trust ANYone.

 

[garden]

@intheprocess I was already isolated somewhat. I was living with my aunt, who was his victim when she was a child too, which I found out later. My Aunt physically and psychologically abused me during the same time that he was grooming and eventually abusing me. She was jealous of the attention he was giving me, or something sick like that. I didn't trust anyone either, except him, but eventually that changed too, he adapted to that by drugging me. My aunt aided him.

 

[Friday]

Wanted, invited, and deserved WHAT? Positive attention? Yep, you more than likely wanted it and definitely deserved it and probably invited it. Being abused? Hardly!

This.

. Even if victims DID invite the abuse, a decent and normal person wouldn't go there.

I've shared a few times that I used to go trawling for rapists. Make myself as attractive & easy a target as possible for a local neighborhood. And then we'd beat the snot out of said rapist. (I went through some seriously dark times). It's one of the things that helped restore my faith in humanity. Because while I was usually (mostly) dressed? I could be walking down the street naked as a jay bird & If there weren't any rapists around? I'd get ignored. Or a coat thrown over me and a cab called. These blokes wouldn't even stay to listen for my address that I gave the cabbie. Or other offers of assistance. Even in some seriously bad neighborhoods? Most people are still pretty decent people. There has to be a bank robber around for a bank to get robbed. Has to be a rapist around for a rape to happen.

 

[Friday]

It's like I'm a fraud. I wasn't a victim of anything.... These emotions are making it murky... I probably should not be thinking about this.

Food for thought: If loving your abuser means it wasn't abuse
- children cannot be abused by their parents
- domestic violence isn't abuse
- husbands cannot rape wives
- mentors cannot abuse their protégés
- etc.

People who have never known abuse don't get that it's not always bad times. In fact, it's mostly good times. And love? The human heart it capable of truly amazing depths and levels of love.

Having known love for someone doesn't make the abuse vanish. It doesn't make you a fraud. It makes your heart braver and stronger than most people dream of. Because it's known pain, and fear, and loathing... And loved anyway.

People who only dream about love also don't understand that love isn't enough. Love does not conquer all. Loving a monster doesn't turn them good. And broken hearts? Aren't only for Prince Charming. Loving a monster? That's what heroes do. So is slaying them. & So, too, escaping them. Whether rescued, or on your own two feet.