Fool Or Forgiver

[mamachick]

My therapist says my ptsd stems from childhood but an event in 2008 set it off full blown.
I married my high school beau in 1975 and was pregnant.. I was 17 and he was 19. It was disasterous, but I held in for almost 7 yrs. I wanted to be a good mother and create a stable home, he wanted to party. We fought. He physically abused me quite reqularly. After seperation, the violence increased. I feared him. He moved away and did not pay support (because a family member threatened him). He would come to town unannounced and want to see our daughter. It kept me off balance and my T said I had symptoms of ptsd from this back in the 80"s. It affected me with CFIDS and fibromyalgia.

I remarried and had 2 more children. The last time I saw him was in 2000 when our grandaughter died. I felt compassion for him by then. His father was a raging unmedicated bi-polar til just before I met him. I came to see things clearer-that he was a young father unready for the responsibility. I knew then that I had fully forgiven him. I think he remained grudgeful for a long time. He remarried years ago as well to someone 10 yrs older, so they never had other children.

Our daughter, now 38, has ptsd as a result of what she witnessed. She also is bi-polar and struggled with drugs. About 3 yrs ago, he became sick with pulmonary fibrosis. He was denied transplant several places. Tuesday he passed away. We were friends on facebook the past couple of months, even though we didnt speak until 2 wks before his death. There was things I wanted to say to him, and knew that he became very involved in church the past two years. I sent him a long message, it was kind and wishing him better, praying for his health. I expressed forgiveness and took responsibility for my errors. He replied with a brief message and thanked me. I am so glad that I spoke to him when I did, even though I did not know his time would be so short. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I wanted him to know that we were to young and that I had really loved him.

My heart has sunk and I am full of sadness that his life could not be saved. He was 57. He never told my daughter that he loved her even though she asked him to just days before his death. She left on a bus this morning to attend the funeral. He told her that he wanted to feel proud of her before he died. She has had a bad life and I can see where he may feel ashamed of her behavior (I have also at times). Im so sorry that he never told her he loves her. I feel so sad that he has left a daughter, wife, 4 brothers, and Im sure many friends. My heart feels so heavy right now-I feel exhausted.

Sometimes I think that my empathy and caring and forgiveness makes me a big fool. Others dont understand my sadness because he was so mean to me. He was my first real boyfriend and I have so much empathy for his background.

I just wonder if others struggle between feeling life a fool because the heart allows such forgiveness and no grudge when someone has been so cruel at times, most of all, contributing to the problems of our daughter so strongly. I dont know what I believe religious wise, but I pray that he is with God and that he has a plan for him and spared him anymore suffering.

I welcome all comments.

 

[Notsowild]

I was physically and sexually abused by my father my entire childhood. I went through years of hatred and stayed apart from him. In this later years we became very close. We worked through some of abuse. But I got to know the man behind the abuse. I cried when he died. None of my other siblings did.

 

[BlueOrange]

@brat17 , the enlightened understanding you expressed in your post is what I aim for. Forgetting is often foolish, as is letting someone hurt you again when you know what to expect. But sincerely wishing the best for someone is always a good thing. (I originally wrote 'someone else', but I realise that 'someone' is a more accurate way of describing that virtue of benevolence.)

Sometimes I wish I didn't understand. Hating seems to hurt less than understanding. I'll just try to remind myself that 'not understanding' is more likely to cause me to get hurt again later.

 

[anthony]

My therapist says my ptsd stems from childhood but an event in 2008 set it off full blown.

What do you think?

Sorry to hear about the ongoing struggles, and condolences for your daughters father passing away, even though you were separated.

There is nothing linear about trauma, and how it impacts us. If you endured a lot of trauma in childhood, then that could be the cause... it may not be, and as you state, it could be the abuse you endured in teen years from him.

To me, you sound extremely reasonable and well grounded in relation to yourself, which is why I ask what you think.

 

[mamachick]

notsowild-you must be very strong to be able to have had a relationship with your father. You were a child and he the adult, and that would seem much harder for me I think. I can understand your sibling reaction, but I can also understand yours, although I might not be as strong as you. Children love their parents and want that relationship.

BlueOrange-I divorced him in 1983, and when I saw him in 2000, I felt like I had never been married to him, that I was in a new life. So I don't know if there is a bit of dissociation in my situation or not. Even now, I can't imagine that I went through the torture that I endured. He would try to run my daughter and I off the road, break in our home in the middle of the night, and once had a gas can and said he was going to pour it around the house and burn us up and so much more. It just feels like it wasn't me in some ways. Yet I do remember it all, so Im not blocking it. After a period of calm in my life and therapy, I came to believe that he could no longer harm us. My daughter only has pieces of memory and will ask me about pieces she remembers over the years.

Anthony-I do think that I did a lot of work with a therapist to work through the abuse that occurred with him. Yet I also am clear that there was some abuse in childhood, primarily neglect. I can see how my childhood has led me to chose the wrong men in my life. They have either been abusive or unavailable. I just bought a book today-Men who hate women and the women who love them by Susan Forward. It was recomended to a friend with similar issues as mine.

My daughter called me tonight after the showing at the funeral home. She is very sad and really feels alone as she is about 8 hours away and she has had no contact with his family since age 6. Not surprising, although I have not talked bad about her father or his family, but have tried to be gently honest when she has asked something, seems she is drawing her own conclusions in just one day. One of her uncles hugged her at the funeral home. Another shows no emotion but took her to breakfast. She had dinner with her grandfather and two uncles that have not seen or spoken to each other in years. One uncle did not show up. There was talk of $50,000 of grandpa's money that her dad had possession of, and another $20,000 that he had in an envelope that he might have put in the safe, but his wife does not have the combination. Basically, she said his family is really f....d up. Bank tellers and waitresses were there that said he brought them cupcakes, and many former co workers that joked about him being a hot head. She said the stories were just so incongruent, and inconsistant of what she knew of her father. He could have a certain charm about him, and be kinder to strangers than to those he supposedly loved.

I think the trauma started in childhood, but I was put in an orphanage at age 11, then later lived with an older sister. I suppose that the neglect as a child could have left me in fear of my life and safety for certain, but I honestly did not think that I would survive the divorce with his anger and violence which escalated after I left him.

I guess at the end of the day, I would rather be who I am, even if some think that it is foolish, because I know that there is good in most people, and he came from a very dark place himself. My daughters accounts of the relationships at present is just another indicator of the family dysfunction. When he became sick, a good friend said that it was Karma. That felt like a knife in me at the time. I guess people are just complicated, and I still feel really sad that he could not tell our daughter that he loved her just one time in his life before he passed.

 

[maryiscontrary]

To me, the feelings you speak of seem grown up and mature. It appears you have gotten to the level of compassionate detachment. You are not a fool. I am sure you are a blessing to many, who can actually receive and reciprocate empathy you give.

I am sure you know that the key to self confidence is to exercise very well though out boundaries. I mean, write them down like they are commandments. Or you can sketch them out here, and you can PM me and we can work to formalize.

Please don't ever give up your sense of humanity. The world needs more people with attitudes like yours. The only thing you need is a "security system" or boundaries, to protect your priceless inner Ft Knox.

 

[bell]

Seeing kindness where you could be bitter is healthier for everyone, most of all you.

It allows you to move on with a more open heart, yet not a naive one.

I fail to see a problem here, other than you forgave and moved on, which at the end of the day, means you cared for you. :)