Sufferer For What It's Worth

[broken brain]

I found this forum a few weeks ago. I made a couple posts (ran into a few not so helpful people) ,but I was thinking maybe it's not too late to formally introduce myself. Hey my name is Shauna and I'm not afraid anymore to say I'm sick, and I have been for a long time.

BPD was what they called me, when I was 17, but no one knew about the trauma, abuse, and the shame. It didn't even occur to me until recently that there was something wrong with how I grew up because it was all I knew. The mental breakdown I suffered in my teens created even more trauma and shame, having spent about a year total in adult mental hospitals. I was by all measures, crazy.

Released by my 18th birthday, pregnant by my 19th. That child is the only reason I get out of bed every morning and I know without a doubt, the only reason I don't kill myself.

But I cut. I have that. I've curled up with that for 16 years. It's hard to explain to loved ones why a 30 year old would do that, but it's what I want to do, on good days and on bad.

My brother committed suicide 4 years ago on Valentines Day. He was the cause of most of my trauma and shame, but it took a few years to even be able to think in those terms. Survival guilt is a funny thing. When he died, the nightmares stopped, but now since I've entered therapy a month ago, they've returned.

I've skipped 3 weeks of therapy. I'm chicken shit to continue. I know I will text her, I just can't seem to dial the number.

So. There are some of the finer details of my life. I really like it here.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Welcome, Shauna, you seem to have had a tough life. I just recently stopped cutting, and I'm 54. I didn't start til I was 52 though. I have a teenager, and I push myself to be happy and "normal" around him. I did try to kill myself 2 years ago and it really messed him up. He is just now getting over it. I will never hurt him like that again.

I'm sorry about both aspects of your brother. My brother was able to apologize to me before he died. I have also taken a break from therapy. You will get well, all you have to do is keep showing up. You don't have to say or do anything in therapy, just show up. That's what my therapist told me and it works. You set the pace in therapy. You can do this.

 

[broken brain]

Thank you. Good job stopping. I try so hard too, but sometimes it's movies in bed and pizza delivery for weeks at a time. He is super well adjusted, and smart, and kind, so I'm glad for that. He's been my soldier.

My brother only once acknowledge that he had a problem about 11 years before he died, and he said he wanted to get 'Sorry I lied" tattooed on his chest to apologize to everyone he had hurt. It wasn't to me, but it was enough. I got that tattooed the year he died on my wrist (on top of my suicide attempt scars) because I still need him to be sorry. I was the last person he spoke with, and we said I love you to each other. We both meant it. I told him I forgave him essentially, so at least he went with some peace.

 

[Chloekim]

Wow. You are amazingly brave to share this.

 

[yoshixvx]

Welcome! I recently relapsed with cutting (after 20 years). It's a constant battle, but the good thing is that there's no expiry date on healing. Take your time and put your safety first! :)

 

[broken brain]

@Chloekim thank you. To most of the world, I am a successful, smart, strong woman. I'm tired of pretending everything is fine. I'm honest because I don't want to be ashamed of who I am anymore. And other people's honesty on this site has helped me feel accepted.

Thanks @yoshixvx They say it's like becoming a recovering addict. The want will never go away, but it's one day at a time. Good luck with your journey.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@broken brain

Firstly massive :hug:s wherever you are on this vast planet. 'Cyber hugs carry on the slightest of winds'

Secondly I have only cut once and in a way am so very glad I did not cut deep enough. I have had bad issues with my left hand ever since and that was nearly 15 years ago.

All of us on here have our quirks andd issues, many of them alike, the samee or even vaguely similar.

You may have had a rocky start to you journey with the Forum but, that said you have stuck with us andd here you are properly introducing yourselff. Well done Broken Brain.

There will always be the small hiccup when we join this kind of Forum, that is only to be expected. BUT we soon learn the etiquette and become just like those who came before us, part of the forum, the online community, in a weird way a part of 'one big family'.

:hug:s again from across the Atlantic Pond

Laurence (Laurie71)

 

[broken brain]

Thank you Laurence, from Canada! :happy: I'm very glad I didn't give up. I really do like it here.

 

[surfergirl15]

Very brave, and you've been through a lot! I thought I was healed...then had panic attacks from out of the blue. I realized that it was because I was actually healing the "right" way rather than self-medicating. I struggle every day...but keep fighting. Just diagnosed with ADHD combined type at 47 along with chronic PTSD, Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety. Slowly putting pieces together in the puzzle of my life. I just had major flashbacks to ALL of my triggers of abandonment just this morning. I actually feel relief because I'm felt like I haven't been able to breathe for the last two years...now I know why. I'm ready Brene Brown's "Daring Greatly"...she's the one who developed the "Shame Resilience Theory". It's great stuff, and you'll recognize how you are really very courageous just by being vulnerable...being here, and yes going to therapy is the "fight" that's worth it and very brave!! Stay strong...we all have those days...so don't beat yourself up! I completely understand though...I have to remind myself of that every minute.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)