DID For y'all with did

[Hope4Now]

How do you speed the way to co-consciousness? And how do you know you truly ARE co-conscious and not just having one part/alter in front who is in contact with another part/alter? And how do you get to parts that are in hiding?

I've been struggling with this for sometime, but mostly one or another of my functional parts is in control. But recently I started taking lithium and it feels like I am coming apart at the seams and my parts are having a field day. I, who very rarely cry, seem to be melting down in tears regularly. I am talking to myself a lot. I am totally confused about who I am. Some of my parts got very suicidal a few weeks ago, with one so determined as to have gathered the means, set a plan, and written about it in my journal.

It got intense enough that I was afraid I/the part would actually go through with the plan, so I went to the hospital. I have been in an inpatient program for about a week now. Every day, my contact people ask me, "How are you doing with safety?" The question stymies me. I have no idea. The suicidal parts come and go, and the one that was so disturbingly determined seems to have gone to ground.

I would love to hear from folks about how you have managed this stuff. Thank you.

 

[Ronin]

And how do you know you truly ARE co-conscious and not just having one part/alter in front who is in contact with another part/alter?

I may be misunderstanding the subtleties of the wording, but in my understanding being in contact *is* being co-conscious? As it's some form of a communication and sharing going on.

how do you get to parts that are in hiding?

The same way you get to anyone else in hiding; figure out where, figure why, and what's the incentives enough for them to come out; also offering the settings for it as best as possible. (Which, granted, can be a total clusterf*ck.)

But recently I started taking lithium and it feels like I am coming apart at the seams and my parts are having a field day.

Is it possible for y'all to change medication?

I've heard it from D.I.D. fellas over and over (plus personal experience) medication is just no bueno with that disorder, and actually messes people up so badly.

The suicidal parts come and go, and the one that was so disturbingly determined seems to have gone to ground.

Do you know what calms them / what eases the suicidality *for them*?

(Relating, by the way. Been stuck on that stage for months now, very few outside supports. So far mostly working on things calming down the most suicidal *and* able to act us. Agreeing on conditions of no actions seems to help, such as 'no, when fresh injured & sick = not a time to make that decision. When absorbed by grief = also not. A decade ago in my head? Not a good time to act, either. Guilt for people that faded out? Well, damn, *that* act wouldn't help them the slightest'.)

Edited to add:

It might be helpful to understand what core trauma & feelings tied to it are the grounds for suicidality for all of you, and then them individually. As they may not match, and may be two different things, what's setting off the mechanism as a whole and then what's setting off which person.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've heard it from D.I.D. fellas over and over (plus personal experience) medication is just no bueno with that disorder, and actually messes people up so badly.

I agree here, too - from my own personal experience, things are so haywire inside that the last thing we need is to add anything into the mix. For me and us, stability is coming in subtraction rather than addition, taking away things that hurt instead of adding in new things to have to deal with.

The last time I tried to take medication, it nearly unhinged me in a really, really scary way, because we don't all react to meds in the same way.

 

[Ronin]

^^ This.

I'm fairly coordinated / having it together inside unless on medications / other bad chemistry juju unhinging us. Badly polluted environments, bad nutrition, bad medication, let alone being under the influence of anything harsher? Yeah, no way to go.

Protective mechanisms & natures go seriously mad lane, and shitty mindset & reflexes just f*ck up the whole thing ten times harder.

 

[Sideways]

I've found that medication can make it harder for me to communicate with my parts.

I've also found that journaling is the best way for me to get in touch with unknown parts.

As for a part being suicidal, a lot of it is the same as how you'd support a suicidal friend. Lots of support, communication and empathy, and gradually helping the part understand what their needs are, and how to achieve those safely. Eventually when parts learn to trust you, you can build up a safety contract with the parts, plans as to what to do when feeling suicidal, the same way you would for yourself.

The difference between me being suicidal, and one of my parts being suicidal, though, is understanding as well that all my parts are serving a protective function. They do that in all different (often counterproductive ways), but that's the end-game: protecting you.

So the key difference with a part being suicidal, and me being suicidal, is that once you have good communication, it's important to get a dialogue going with the part, and help them understand that suicide will actually harm you (and them), rather than protect you, and then helping them establish safer alternatives for them to do their job (protection).

This is definitely a lot easier with a T that's well-versed in DID. And as far as I know, there aren't really any "shortcuts" (bummer), but there are things that will slow the process down (such as fighting with that part, doing things that jeopardise your safety, and getting into situations that are likely to cause that part distress).

But the basics are fundamentally the same as for any other person that would be suicidal: support, communication, compassion.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Ronin I'm sorry you have been stuck in this for months. Thank you for all your comments!

I may be misunderstanding the subtleties of the wording, but in my understanding being in contact *is* being co-conscious? As it's some form of a communication and sharing going on.

Well, I'm still learning the vocabulary. I guess the issue is that sometimes parts get together and run the show without me (or very little of me..."me" being core self).

(Which, granted, can be a total clusterf*ck.)

:laugh: Yep. I bet. I kinda don't want to go looking, but I need to.

Is it possible for y'all to change medication?

Possible. I keep agreeing to go on meds, then demanding to stop them because they all seem to f*ck me up. This one I sort of want to continue if I can because it seems to be helping my disabling pain (very weird). But I may have to.

Do you know what calms them / what eases the Suicidality *for them*?

I kind of know what calms the young ones. Not a clue about the others. I can distract for a while but then it comes blasting back.

It might be helpful to understand what core trauma & feelings tied to it are the grounds for suicidality for all of you, and then them individually.

Ah, yes. I was afraid someone would say this. I don't really understand the core trauma. I know some of it, but not how it affected different parts which I think may be holding different experiences of the trauma. Ugh. What a mess.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Ragdoll Circus, thank you for this.

As for a part being suicidal, a lot of it is the same as how you'd support a suicidal friend. Lots of support, communication and empathy, and gradually helping the part understand what their needs are, and how to achieve those safely. Eventually when parts learn to trust you, you can build up a safety contract with the parts, plans as to what to do when feeling suicidal, the same way you would for yourself.

This sounds right-on. I just can't do it. Tried kind of yelling out into the wilderness of myself things I thought would be helpful, but no success.

The difference between me being suicidal, and one of my parts being suicidal, though, is understanding as well that all my parts are serving a protective function.

Yes I completely understand this. I am trying hard to stay curious about this one particular part's suicidality and how it might be trying to protect me and from what. Just can't do it. Mind goes spinning off.

once you have good communication, it's important to get a dialogue going with the part, and help them understand that Suicide will actually harm you (and them), rather than protect you, and then helping them establish safer alternatives for them to do their job (protection).

Yes good advice. This was one of the things I tried yelling into the wilderness..."Hey James, don't you know..."

there aren't really any "shortcuts" (bummer),

:shifty::confused::arghh;

there are things that will slow the process down (such as fighting with that part, doing things that jeopardise your safety, and getting into situations that are likely to cause that part distress).

Hmmm. This is interesting. I will have to reflect on this and see if I can figure out whether I have been exacerbating the situation somehow.

 

[Hope4Now]

The last time I tried to take medication, it nearly unhinged me in a really, really scary way, because we don't all react to meds in the same way.

Yes, I think this is true. A psychiatrist explained to me once that parts can even block medication if they aren't "on board," or can create side effects from it. And I think a lot of my parts may be feeling that my taking all this medication is trying to shut them down. While this is not true, I wouldn't be surprised if they felt that way. Certainly the last med I was on had a bad effect on a lot of parts and my whole system was fighting against its effects. It was exhausting and terrible.

Thank you for the reminder. I am so desperate to make progress in healing that I have been agreeing to take medications against my better judgement.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Ronin wanted to clarify further/give example.

And how do you know you truly ARE co-conscious and not just having one part/alter in front who is in contact with another part/alter?

I may be misunderstanding the subtleties of the wording, but in my understanding being in contact *is* being co-conscious? As it's some form of a communication and sharing going on.

So, for instance, I have some nasty protector parts who are in communication with some of the young parts. It is brutal. I am aware of it, mostly through therapy and what my therapist tells me I have said. But "I" can't get to the young parts directly. And only once in a while can I even communicate with the protectors. So I suppose my protectors are co-conscious with the young ones they know about and vice versa? But I (the decent, adult, kindish person) can't communicate. My therapist does quite a bit of "direct access" where he speaks directly with parts. It is bizarre, but helpful. But this is not co-consciousness I think?

 

[Ronin]

But "I" can't get to the young parts directly. And only once in a while can I even communicate with the protectors.

Oh, I understand.

With that then, I'm afraid only through the protectors. So the bargaining game & tokens for good behavior, or, for cooperating with you and for being less intimidating to the younger parts. And/or empowering the youngsters to stand up for themselves, things like 'you don't /need/ these people to protect you, you're a brave baby cub all on your own.'

So what's given you strength, sense of autonomy, courage, and a feeling you're smart enough to solve your problems, when you were a child? :) Might be a good start. Refinding & reusing the valuable traits.

 

[Hope4Now]

So what's given you strength, sense of autonomy, courage, and a feeling you're smart enough to solve your problems, when you were a child? :) Might be a good start. Refinding & reusing the valuable traits.

LOL, not to be flip, but mostly what gave me strength was doing what I now understand to be dissociation. Argh. But no, you pose a good challenge for me to consider. Because something let me grow up and become successful academically, creatively, and professionally. Definitely my spirituality. Definitely my absolute belief that I was a lost boy and belonged with Peter Pan and not with these people who called themselves my parents! I'll think more on this. Thank you.

 

[BlueOrange]

I play computer games for comfort a lot. Sometimes, I've been very negative about that, seeing it as a symptom. And I've managed to harm myself by doing it excessively.

But it's not the games themselves that are the problem. And the games themselves have been better for me than some of the alternatives (they did bring the suicidal parts under control). The temptation to refuse to engage with your coping mechanisms is one that I understand, but walking away from them completely should be based on the harm of the behavior itself, not the fact that they sometimes go too far.