Forced To Take Leave From My Job

[maddog]

For a long time now, my workplace has been my safe place. All of the safe people in my world are there. The safe structure and routine are there. The reason for getting out of bed each morning and for making it through the day is there. Work is not just about earning money and having a job... work has been about continuing to keep going.

I know this is tragic and pathetic. i'm not in any sort of denial about that. But it's just the way it was.

I know my work performance has been deteriorating for months. The shame and failure I feel about that are almost unparalelled. I have been assured time and time again by T, by my boss and by those around me that it's still within acceptable levels and that if there was to be any concerns, they would be discussed with me first. I never fully believed it, such is my inclination to fear the worst in every scenario, but I guess on some level I took heart from this.

Today, my supervisor raised concerns with my work performance and lack of communication and asked me to propose a solution for dealing with these issues. Of course I had none. I am doing my best, but my best has long since ceased to be good enough.

And so I am now on enforced leave from work, indefinitely, effective immediately.

Her conversation with me was a mix of guarded empathy and unyielding domination.

About a month ago, after considerable agonising on the issue and discussion with T, I shared some of my situation with this supervisor, as a necessary means of explanation to her of my eratic behaviour and an intended means by which to help us work together to keep this ship afloat. So much for that...

I don't have it in me to write more analytically or rationally tonight. I feel as though what remained of my world has been torn away from me. My safe place is gone. Everyone who matters to me is gone. How could she... how could she...

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Shattered.

And it's all my fault.

Maddog

 

[simplekindofgirl]

(((Maddog))) I am so sorry to hear that you are facing this. Truly.

Do not blame yourself. It is not your fault. I know that there is nothing that anyone could say to make you believe that. But we still have to say it. It is not your fault.

Hugs to you.

 

[Sterre]

Oh no, Maddog! This must be so hard for you! I can feel your pain trough my screen...
I am so sorry for this happening to you right now.

I want to enforce what simplekindofgirl wrote above me, please dont blame youself for this. You've done all you can, at this given time, and more.

I understand that you feel shattered, and I wished we could pick up the pieces for you and mend them toghether.

I have been trough a very similair experience with my last job, but I was not courageus enough to inform my supervisor about my PTSD related troubles.I dont know if it would have made any differnce or not. I know I felt defeated and desparate when I lost my job over my PTSD problems.

((((((maddog)))))

 

[Srain]

((((((((((((Maddog)))))))))))))))

I feel your pain. :(

Check in with your therapist and do the most gentle things you can to take care of you. When something this upsetting happens it's important to remember the basics and by coming here you are stepping forward.
I have no idea why she did what she did or even if she can do it or if it will last. I doubt you did anything wrong and that is why it's a good reason to contact your tdoc, beating yourself up for a decision someone else made maybe a touchy area for any of us, especially when it comes to disclosure issues.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I truly am.
Here for you.
Rain

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((((Maddog)))))

I'm so sorry for the position you are in. There is some wonderful words here from Simplekindofgirl, Sterre and Srain. But can I just add, that your words have been a great support to me since I joined this forum. So although you feel like your performance isn't good enough in some areas of life, your contribution here is very valued.

 

[The Albatross]

Crap... I thought I had a duplicate post... and ended up losing what I posted for you.

All I wanted to say was that (((I'm sorry Maddog, this happened))) and that I haven't had a supportive employment environment I don't think ever. I've had some very bad experiences. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to bear up under an employers full time expectations... I've had only part time work for four years now. I'm glad though, that you had an experience of a safe and supportive place.

Sending you warm and healing thoughts... Definitely bring this to your T.

 

[maddog]

Thanks so much to everyone who has responded. Your messages have been beacons of hope through one of the longest nights I have had in a long time. I am horrified by how shattered and completely dysfunctional I feel about this, as though I will never be abel to face the world again.

Again, that incomprehensible simultaneous mix of primitive shame and horrific betrayal seem to be all that lives in my consciousness right now.

I know how blessed I have been to have had such a supportive workplace for so long. It has always felt like a stolen blessing, a gift I don't deserve and which must surely be temporary, yet I have drawn so much strength from it... to have lost it now, or to feel as though it will never be the same, no matter what happens, seems insufferable.

T did respond to the SMS that I sent him explaining the situation. He is currently on days off and has only one more shift at work before he takes Christmas leave, as though I needed anything else to feel distressed about...

He encouraged me not to turn this into anything bigger than it is, said this was all very manageable and that he would ring my boss this morning and then call me... I am trying so hard to draw comfort from his words as intended, yet barely seem able to do this.

Sorry, must stop rambling before the remaining unshattered pieces of me shatter as well.

Again, it means so much to have all of your support - I could never have imagined how much.

Maddog

 

[KP the nut]

(((Maddog))), I am so sorry this is happening.

I lost my job in May through PTSD and I still mourn that loss. I did try to fight but I just didn't have the strength. I think I went through a whole range of emotions, from despair ( was suicide an option) to anger. I felt so betrayed, over the years I had been a loyal employee who produced results.

My T helped greatly to bring those emotions and thoughts under control. Please don't blame yourself, this was not your fault.

Ironically, I have made huge progress since losing my job. I never realised how much pressure I was putting myself under and how much stress the uncertainty was causing me. I found other outlets for my time. Volunteering was a huge boost to my confidence and led to another job, not full time but for the time being enough.

If possible try not to give in to the angry emotions and write or email your supervisor. This IMHO would be counterproductive. Take time for you, be kind to yourself. Losing or being made to take a leave of absence from a job in up there in the stress top 10 with divorce or a death.

Take care
KP

 

[maddog]

I have deliberately held off making any contact with my boss or anyone at work, partly as you say KP because of all of the uncontrolled conflicting emotions.

Ok, who am I kidding... I haven't "held off" making contact, that would imply I'd made a conscious choice. Actually I feel completely unable to face the possibility of making contact, or of speaking to anyone actually, but this is nonetheless probably a blessing in disguise for the reason you identified.

Rationally, this is going to need to be discussed formally at some point. My supervisor doesn't actually have the authority to mandate this - only my boss can do that, and I strongly suspect he knows nothing about it.

Having said that, she is my supervisor and the person I am directly answerable to, and to continue to work with her in this current situation would not be a viable option for me now or in the foreseeable future.

T is going to talk to my boss this morning apparently, and will then ring me. I don't know what I want. Part of me doesn't ever want to answer the phone again.

Maddog

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Employment definitely has many benefits as you described Maddog. If it reaches the point where you need to take some leave though, and this is the important bit: it's not easy to accept the message from someone who doesn't have the relevant experience to give that message :( . It should have been handled better, it's not your fault, your employer has a responsibility of care for all employees.

It's just my opinion but it maybe helpful to view this as 'preventative' sick leave as often we are the last to recognise our health may be deteriorating (due to stress?) and we need to take a break.

You have a good therapist and with his support I'm sure you can turn this around and return to work when ready.

((Maddog))

LH x

 

[Hashi]

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I especially feel for you having to face this when your T's about to go on leave.

I understand about work being a positive and safe place, and although it's a stress in itself it can also an important source of support. It sounds like you've done an amazing job to keep going, keep trying and doing your very best. The limitations of what you've been able to do have NOT been your fault.

You have nothing to feel shame about. You've acted well in talking to your supervisor and trying to find a way through that's best for everyone. It sounds like your supervisor hasn't dealt with things nearly as well as you have, actually. I'm sorry that she doesn't seem to have the experience or ability to have taken a more constructive approach, which she so easily could have done. (This sounds like one of the examples in a management textbook of how not to handle things.)

I'm glad your T is talking to your boss and hope that this brings a more positive situation for you.

One thought - and please completely disregard this if it doesn't apply or you've already considered it - I wondered if there are any policies at your place of work (performance management, capability, grievance etc) that might apply? Often there are procedures your supervisor should follow, with a number of steps before something like this. Also, is there any legislation in this area? In the UK where I am PTSD can count as a disability, so the employer is required to make reasonable adjustments and not discriminate.

Whatever happens, please know that you've acted with integrity and tried the best you can. It's not your fault at all.

Thinking of you.

 

[maddog]

Spoke to T briefly today, after he'd spoken with my boss. Turns out that as I suspected, my boss knew nothing of this decision and isn't supportive of it. He allegedly has no issue with my remaining at work and, I am told, intends to call me about that in the next couple of days, with a view to expecting me back at work in January.

T went to lengths to assure me that this was all "manageable" and that there was absolutely nothing for me to worry about. There was some discussion as to the peculiarities and trecharies of my supervisor, apparently all of which were acknowledged by my boss.

So everything is fine... right?

Except that it isn't. I don't know what's wrong with me, but somehow this news did almost nothing to lessen my horror and devastation.

Regardless of my boss's decision, it is my supervisor who I have to work with, and if she was trecharous and two-faced before now, then it won't hold a candle to her reaction when she is overruled by my boss, which it appears she is going to be.

The prospect of continuing to have to work with and for her fills me with frozen fear, which I acknowledge is far out of proportion to the extent of the genuine threat, but conflict of this nature, together with some of the things she said to me yesterday, is extremely extremely triggering for me, seemingly more and more so as time passes and the experience settles on me.

I don't know how I'm ever, ever going to be able to face going back there, and nothing anyone can say to me right now can seemingly touch that feeling.

Maddog