Forced To Take Leave From My Job

[KP the nut]

(((Maddog))), still here and listening.

Linking arms
KP

 

[Eleanor]

Positive energy sent your way from the "Left Coast" Maddog!;)

 

[maddog]

i'm going back to work today...

I feel the need to come back to this thread and write this post, because right now I am more afraid, more sickened, more daunted, more downright bloody terrified, than is easy to admit.

I have done this a hundred thousand times, or so it seems, and so why is it filling me with a brand of trepidation that feels impossible to conquer?

I know this fear, this fear of failing all over again, of not being abel to avoid repeating the same patterns of struggling and failing productivity and communication that sparked all of this in the first place - the fear of having to confront just how far I have fallen and the fact that the old competent professional me is gone right along with the old semi competent personal me - the fear of never being good enough, of everyone knowing, of everyone knowing that I'll never put the pieces back together...

I know this fear, I can name and describe it, and so maybe that will be enough to help me get out the door in 5 hours from now, and get back to my life and my world.

I spoke to my boss on Friday and he has no issue with my return.

Which is nice, of course, but does not solve the problem I had/have with my supervisor in any way. Presumably the two of us are going to have to come to some arrangement about that, which is the adult thing to do of course, but is part of what feels impossible.

I didn't want to rant here, I should be asleep of course, or at least trying to rest, but I wanted to come back here, where it all started, and hope that in doing so, I can find a little hope and inspiration from all of the support I received when this all went wrong, seemingly so long ago on 20 December.

I hope it's ok...

Maddog

 

[Sterre]

It is okay maddog!

It is also okay to feel terrified, confused or anxiuos about the whole situation with your supervisor.
It is perfectly "normal"to feel the way you are feeling right now, dont judge yourself to harsly about feeling this way.

I will think of you today, and send you lots of positive vibes and some inner strenght to cope with returning back to the workplace.
You will do just fine. You are smart and sensitive, please alowe yoursef to feel frightend about having to meet with your supervisor again. If you fight and judge your fear to much you hgave to battle not only the confrontation with your supervisor, but also you have to fight yourself over this.

You can do it!

Maybe your supervisor is just as anxiuos over meeting with you again, as you are.

Hang in there, this day will be akward, but it will soon normalise itself again.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Maddog))).

I hope more than anything it works out for you. Be kind to yourself and take time out if you need to.

Remember, I and others are here if/when you need us.

KP

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Maddog, I hope you are ok tonight! Kept you in my prayers at church this AM ... strangely at just about the right time:cautious::O_o:.​

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((((Maddog))))), thinking of you today. And when you're feeling alone with PTSD, like no one at work will understand, try to imagine all the people here, who DO understand, standing right beside you supporting you as you face it.

 

[maddog]

Wow, so humbling to read and to feel all of the words and thoughts of support today.

It makes it that much harder to report back...

I didn't make it.

As a word of warning, I'm not feeling very eloquent tonight, so writing may be uncharacteristically difficult, but after having done a fairly appalling job of managing and minimising my rising stress throughout the night, I set out for the train close to panic, and got there before I'd even reached the station.

It was frightening, humiliating, horrible.

It seemed to take forever to even make my feet move in the right direction to take me home again when I knew I could go no further. It took hours to stop shaking and feeling cold. Actually, I'm not quite sure that either of those things have really stopped yet.

E-mailed my boss, too much of a coward even to do the adult thing and phone in. His response was that it was ok to have a false start (he may have even anticipated it), and that I shouldnt' stress, etc. I barely read the rest.

It's been a long day, a day full of shame, of needless and self defeating self hatred and sabotage. I hate it when I get like this, when it seems almost physically impossible to stop the onslaught of hatred and failure that pour out of me like some sort of toxic bloodletting.

T phoned this afternoon, just as he'd said he would, to see how my first day back had gone...

That hurt too. More guilt, shame, failure...

God, I'm so tired.

He pointed out what he always does, that regardless of the challenges, I am always better off, and better generally, when in the routine of work and with the human contact and connection that it brings. The longer I am alone and isolating, the worse I get.

He wants me to try again tomorrow. I told him I would. I don't even want to think about what I think or feel or believe.

God, so tired.

Maddog

 

[Sterre]

Oww maddog!

Dont feel ashamed. Sometimes it's good to listen to your body and to make some space for overwhelming emotions.

When I had to go back to work and face my supervisor and collegues again, I felt the same as you did. I was so scared, it consumed me completely.
But what I noticed once I walked in, was that my fear was not in comparrison with the situation, it was stronger and bigger than it should have been, given the situation.

You will notice once you walk in things will normalize very quickly, it is hard to imagine now, I know, but people are ussualy drawn to make akward situations, back to normal as soon as possible.
The hardest part for you will be the trip to work, and the enterence of your workspace.

You can do it maddog. I know you dont feel up for it now, but really, you can do it. You have been trough worse than this, and survived!We will be here thinking of you and sending you support.
((((( maddog))))

 

[Sterre]

If you would imagine yourself as a little girl facing to have to go back to a situation that she fears, what would you do?

I assume you would take her by the hand and accompagnie her towards the fearfull situation, while reasuring her.
Make her see that the demons she fears, are really just wooden sticks with blankets over them.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Maddog))).

Please don't be too hard on yourself. I and I'm sure others can relate. I once drove to work and then sat in the car unable to go into work - I drove home, feeling as you described.

Some things which helped keep me grounded and the panic at bay.

• Essential lemon oil (a couple of drops on a tissue and breathe deeply)
• Something small which can be held in your hand, I use a moss agate stone turtle. It is small, solid and I can feel the texture - it seems to give me strength.
• Regular breaks, I would go and stand outside and just breathe.
• I had a colleague/friend who used to keep an eye on me. Occassionally she would pass my desk and whisper 'breathe' into my ear.
• Write the names of people who support you - I'll be one and keep it in your pocket. It helps to remind you that you are not facing this alone.

If you feel able, try again tomorrow, but maybe go for just an hour or 2.

Linking arms
KP

 

[Meadowsweet]

((((Maddog))))

Please don't be hard on yourself.