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Life is not going well - Fired from my job


In July of this year, I was fired from my job for taking medical marijuana for my panic attacks from ptsd.

I absolutely loved my job and I worked for the agency for two years, planned to work for another 30 with the same agency but they fired me.

Since then, I lost my health insurance, making it harder to get therapy and medication.

I am a full time student and got another full time job but quit that one myself because it was such a toxic work environment. It was overwhelming, my workload was way too much and there was no working together as a team.

I took a part time job thinking I would get enough hours at a restaurant while I go to school, but they cannot give me enough hours and I'm not able to pay my bills.

I wanted to re-apply with the agency that fired me, but they filled all of the positions already in the department I was in. I will have to work in a different department, doing work that I'm not even going to school for.

And the positions don't come open very often. Everyone basically has my idea of retiring in those positions.

I had a dream that I longed for suicide. I wanted it instead of living on. I feel like I'm too scared to kill myself. But, what else am I gonna do? I can't pay my bills. I am so maxed out my with work and school my relationships are suffering.

I have to suck up to a narcissistic boss at the restaurant and literally thank him for giving me ANY hours at all.

My school is all like, "we'll help you with employment, we have an app" all of the employers on this app want students who are already graduating and the competition is so high that I would not be a first pick anyway.

I just want something to go for me and it's not. I feel stuck. If this life doesn't have anything for me, why live it? Why continue living when my life is going to be nothing but, why couldn't I do this, why couldn't I do that. I'm trying to take care of my responsibilities but I just can't.
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It feels horrible, and you need the time to grieve the situation and assess what you learned from it later.

I'm sorry this is so hard right now.

You will find a better fit some time soon.
If this life doesn't have anything for me, why live it?
It seems like you don’t value yourself -or your creativity- very highly to think that the only meaning/purpose you could ever find in life was this one job.

I’ve had to leave dream jobs. Everything I ever wanted, in one place, right there… and me on the outside. It’s heartbreaking. But the world is a much bigger place, than one agency/business/career. There are other dream jobs out there, as well as jobby-jobs you DGAF about, to earn some money whilst looking for the next one.

ETA… Speaking as someone who has worked the line (restaurants) all over the durn world, whenever I need a few bucks to cover a gap? Restaurants eat your soul, if you take them personally. (Food out the front, souls out the back! Fire fire!) It can be hard not to take that shit personally, but? Don’t. Just don’t. Unless you own it, it’s just a stepping stone. Hopefully a fun one (or leave and find one that is!) And being paid to work out.
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It seems like you don’t value yourself -or your creativity- very highly to think that the only meaning/purpose you could ever find in life was this one job.
I can't tell you how much this hit home right into my soul. I don't think very highly of myself and part of what I would tell myself is that I have a job that is stable and I like, so I am doing well, I am a contributing member of society. I never thought of how much I defined myself with this job. This makes me have a different perspective on things.

My grief is on-going, but your response has truly helped me see things differently. How am I of value? This job did not make me valuable, I am valuable already as I am.

My current dilemma is finding a way to either supplement or replace my income, because the restaurant job is not sufficient. I am planning on re-applying with the agency, willing to work in a different department for the time being. As a professor who himself had to work in an industry unrelated to his degree for two years post-graduation said, there are not too many who are willing to be uncomfortable in the moment in order to achieve longer lasting satisfaction.