Forever Alone Club

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm giving up on the idea that I must be in a relationship in order to be complete! I like being single. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and never having to answer to anybody. I can't help but think that MANY people get into relationships because they don't want to be alone, and they simply ignore all of those little red flags that pop up because they are so desperate to not be alone. If people thought with their brains and stopped blindly following their hearts, then I somehow think the divorce rate would be lower. People tell me break up stories and I sit there thinking uhm, ok, those are all red flags that popped up early in your relationship but you chose to ignore them. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I no longer make apologies for being single. I have standards, and yeah, they may be higher than others, but at the same time I don't put up with BS. And when I talk about having higher standards, really, they should be BASIC standards (but too many people have low or no standards). I'm talking about things like not being abusive, not being addicted, not being a liar, etc.

Sorry, but love is never "enough". Yeah, the Beatles got that one wrong. Love isn't all you need, not in today's world.

 

[Anrish]

I never saw myself like others did - relationship, children, family. I never had these visions. That always lead to bad arguments with my former boyfriend who just wanted to have status symbols - and a woman and children were such symbols. He treated me so badly that I cannot think to get too close to a male person anymore. I fantasize about sex and adventures but I can't imagine a relationship with a guy.

I splitted up with the same woman twice. We are best friends, have known each other for years and we call ourselves soulmates. But as soon as we put ourselves in the frame of a "relationship" nothing works out. We are still very close, sleep together, spend time together - but it's free. She still dreams of marriage and children - things I can't even imagine.

I think as long as I have her to hug me (so she doesn't have to cheat on her future husband), I don't need a relationship. It's too much pressure.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

We are still very close, sleep together, spend time together - but it's free.

Well, who needs an official "relationship" anyway. This sounds pretty good actually.

Agreed a hundred percent on the thing about higher standards. I have sat here for days wondering if my standards were sky-high, but I've never let go of them, and after reading your post @Solara I feel better about that. On especially annoying days, where I feel insanely alone, or the hormones are having their way with my brain, I am tempted to cast the standards aside. But I know neither hormones or loneliness are good reasons to start anything with anyone, so I just wait it out until my normality is back. ;)

 

[MissKB]

For the last 2 years I have had 1 failed relationship after another. And most of them end with the guy breaking up with me for no reason they can voice. I've just gotten,"I don't think it is going to work for us." So of course I'm taking all this as my fault. Then 4 months ago I found my mate. It was wonderful! I was just ecstatic. Two days ago he calls and tells me his ex wants him back and he is going to give her a month and see where they go!

THAT'S IT!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@scout86 I'd like to type something for you that I just wrote down. I keep a diary where I pretty much jot down everything I think and this is a little caption of today:

"So anyway. I was checking out the moon in waterman (information on the side: the moon is in waterman right now). It's shocking how accurate the text is for me. It said that it is my intention to be rid of negativity. It said I should be alert not to be Too Optimistic and Jolly towards others because it may make them think that this is my default way of acting and expect more of the same. Can really relate to that. Then: emotional experiences in childhood and with your mother have alienated you. The result is that you are now an observer in life, which pretty much makes you capable of observing human nature from a distance, and kind of a natural at psychology."

"Then here is what smacked me in the face when I was reading it. It said "these experiences from your childhood have left you thinking that you are more emotional than you actually are. I think they mean emotional, like in a needy and unstable way. This then results in you being attracted to people who are indifferent or unavailable, or both. This pattern will be on repeat until you realize that you are trying too hard, and that it is your own aura of unavailability in life which gravitates towards the unavailability pattern. So maybe, my own unavailability makes me feel safe with people who are unavailable...".

I know most people consider astrology to be a load of BS and I do think newspaper/tabloid astrology is pure crap. But I do think that some people are actually pretty good at it, and that it is in the least worth considering. Actually the stuff on that site made a lot of sense to me. This could be an alternative explanation as to why we gravitate towards certain people.

@MissKB Hi miss KB! I'm sorry to hear you had a hard time with relationships as well. But I think it's neat you have decided to come chill in the FA club for a while. ;)

 

[scout86]

@Radise , those are interesting thoughts! I too, can relate to the warning about being too cheerful and optimistic. Although, most of the time, I AM, there's more going on than that. The unavailability part I'm going to have to think on. I know that I grew up believing there was no one who cared and no one I could depend on, and that to think differently would go no where good. But I also have come to think that I HAVE to try hard, or no one will want me around at all, for any reason. Maybe I DO have an aura of unavailability. After all, it's not really "safe" to be available, is it? And, when you think about it, what's safer than being involved with someone that really isn't available for involvement?

Interesting ideas and much food for thought!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Radise,

I have spent a LOT of time thinking that my standards are too high, and it wasn't until I actually examined what my standards are that I realized that they aren't too high, not at all. I also realize that I have other standards which may be "too high" for others, but given my trauma, they are there for a reason..... So, I'll give a breakdown of a few of them.

Alcohol/drug use.......I don't want to be with someone who is addicted or has alcohol/drug issues. This area is EXTREMELY hazy, at least in the alcohol area, as the spectrum runs like this......there are non-drinkers like me who literally never drink, then there are "social drinkers" who run the gamut from one drink every once in a blue moon to alcoholics in denial (really, a huge range, right?), and then there are alcoholics in recovery who will admit they have an issue (as that is an essential part of recovery.) I cannot determine what is what until I have seen said drinking behavior with my own eyes. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, so this is a standard that will not relax, not now nor ever, but MANY people say this standard is too high as "everyone needs a drink every once in awhile." Funny thing is, the guys who tell me this drink a LOT! I can handle someone who drinks every once in awhile.

So I guess that one example was enough. I deserve to feel safe, and alcohol makes me feel unsafe. Standard not relaxing, LOL.

 

[jaccat]

@Solara that's not too high a standard, and it's not that uncommon either. I've the same one:).

When I was younger I worried that people would never accept that I didn't drink, nor wanted to be around people who did, but apart from a few ignorant twits I've never had any real trouble finding people who accept this about me. And I'm told (though I've never gone looking) that there are plenty others out there just like me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah I agree that's not a high standard. Pretty logical you don't want to date people who have problems with drugs or alcohol.
Personally, I don't want to date people who have as a life motto "you shouldn't expect anything from me. A life without expectations is good".

I have heard that same old tired nonsense over and over. I bought it, too, when I was younger. Lucky fellow, that guy.
I bought it because I was insecure and wasn't aware I could demand something better. But it's hard to calculate whether a fellow is going to be like that or not, a few weeks into the "relationship".

I like the thing that the website said about me thinking that I am more needy, insecure or unstable that I actually am.
Most of the time I just think I need someone, without realizing that a lot of time, I can provide my own happiness.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Radise,

I bet he expected sex though, huh?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

That guy? Oh yes he did. But he was one of the few assholes I dated.
Him and some guy that never stopped talking about death and despair. Ah, if I had a time machine...

but then I wouldn't have learned anything :p

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a pretty good marriage of 23 yrs. Then he died. I was alone for a few years, then started dating a guy, only to have him die too! I kind of think it would be best not to get attached to anyone else, as they would probably die too. So I remain alone. Also, they say that 50% of marriages end in divorce these days, not very good odds, if you ask me. I don't want to chance it, also, no one has struck my fancy either. It has been about ten yrs since the last one died anyway. I'm used to living alone. So be it.