Sexual Assault Forgiveness

[Wondering_Loner]

What does it mean to forgive oneself in relation to sexual trauma?

When I was 5 or 6 my older sister used to make me take my clothes off and wear these bad outfits. I never fought back or told her to stop. I went along with it, but I had no idea that this thing would happen to me. She was really young too. I don't think she knew what would happen to me.

I don't know why but I can't stop reenacting certain aspects of it. I also think something else may of happened that I don't remember for sure. For a breif period I had these hallucinations, but I only remember tiny snippets.

I've been told I need to forgive myself, but I don't know what that means, or how it lets me stop doing this.

 

[Tinyflame]

This probably isn't useful, but if it has anything to do with wearing women's lingerie, you're not alone in that. When I was in pre-med apparently many men brought in to the ER did, but the thing being most were in high positions of authority, or business. Other than the nice feel of silk etc, it says to me it has a lot to do with pressure (on the person), (regardless where it started).

So maybe self-forgiveness starts with it's not that big or uncommon a deal.

Good luck, starting to say it means something.

Sorry for your experiences as a child. :( :hug:

 

[Adrian2016]

I believe it means that you need to address the fact that what happened was out of your control. I dont believe I was ever sexually abused although it is likely that I could've been and just blocked it out. But I have heard the same advice many times in relation to my own struggles. It means it was out of your control, not your fault, not caused by you, you are the victim, not the problem...what happened to you isn't deserved by the worst of humanity. There is nothing you could have ever done in your lifetime to deserve to be sexually assaulted. So try to let go of the guilt. It is much too heavy to bear friend. Keep your head up and I will keep you in my thoughts...I hope this helped a little...

And i believe the purpose of letting go of the guilt and shame is too free your body and mind of the stress and negative impact that those emotions have on humans. For instance, have you ever cheated on a test, or stole a cheap dvd from the movie store, or lied to someone you love....it makes you feel guilty...because you don't enjoy the feeling of knowing you did something wrong. It is conditioned in us all as children to feel bad when we break the rules. Sometimes, when we have enough trauma occur in life, it changes the chemistry in our brains. It offsets the normal good/bad meter if you will. Our brains begin to make things that are not our faults, that are scary, that have anything to do at all with the trauma...seem like you stole from the store...like YOU controlled the situations...when in fact you didn't, and you were a victim. I could be scientifically wrong but that is my take on it, in laymans terms. So removing your guilt is basically all about removing any shadow of a doubt that you could have prevented what happened, to clear your mind and relieve that subconscious load that is breaking your back. To make you free again, to bring you back to the days when you knew the bliss of innocence, knowing that it wasn't your fault....much love....

 

[Suzetig]

There's something in there about self compassion, remember you were very little and couldn't have known really what was happening. Someone told me off recently for being harsh with myself - think about how you would talk to someone else in the same position and say those things to yourself.

 

[Adrian2016]

I didn't read closely enough. One of those days. You didn't explicitly say you were abused. But you seem to be hinting that you think you may have been and at the least tou under went some very abnormal experiences as a child. But as far as the forgiveness portion and why, my points remain the same. You have got to free yourself friend. Once you figure out how to let go of some of the shame and guilt, I think you will start feeling more and more relief.

 

[Sideways]

If I was ready to tackle the Forgiveness part of recovery, it would be about accepting I was just a kid. It wasn't my fault, I didn't understand what was happening, and I was frightened. The fact that I didn't ask for help, the fact that I went back for more over and over again - that's what innocent kids do.

And I'd have to forgive myself for the stuff I did when I was older. The frayed boundaries, the warped self concept, and all the things I did as a result.

Potentially, I might look at forgiving other people: mum for not noticing, dad for being f*cked up, my sister for abandoning me because she didn't understand, my friends for never doing anything more than idly comment on the f*cked up shit they were witnessing.

Some people go so far as to forgive their abuser.

Forgiveness is big. Forgiving yourself for being a fragile human and not some abuse-busting superhero is the main one. Some people take it further.

But hey, sounds all nice and rainbows and bunny rabbits, but how to do it? No idea. I'm a long long way off the Forgiveness thing.

 

[Adrian2016]

If I was ready to tackle the Forgiveness part of recovery, it would be about accepting I was jus...

Ditto

 

[Wondering_Loner]

I didn't read closely enough. One of those days. You didn't explicitly say you were abused. But you...

I really don't know. I had delusions of being attacked by giant bugs "down there" when I was a child. I don't know if it goes anywhere or if its another dead end after that. I had other stuff happen that were less sexual, but my fetish bothers me so much its hard to think about much other than getting rid of it.

 

[WillyKat]

It's about the guilt (things you think you have done wrong) and shame (the mistaken sense that there is something fundamentally wrong with you). I'm not sure forgiveness is really the right word, cuz you didn't do anything you need to forgive yourself for. I understand why forgiveness was used: because of the lingering feelings of guilt and shame.

It's about telling yourself that there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with you. You were born with core worth, like everyone else, and nothing can ever take that away. Things you have done might look suboptimal from the perspective today, but you did the best you could at the time.

So its not really forgiveness IMO, it's acknowledgement that whatever gave you PTSD is to blame, not you. Know that the guilt and the shame are products of the traumatic stress, not you.