Childhood Seeking forgiveness for childhood regrets

[haruru]

Hello, i’m 14 and i remember forcing one of my closest friends into i think sexual activities…? Im pretty sure we were both 7 or 6 when it happened. I remember that we would go to a room nobody used in her house, we would both pull down our pants and show each other our behinds. At first we would both find it funny and would laugh at it, but i remember one day, she told me that it wasn’t right because God didn’t like that stuff and it was just bad. I told her “it’s okay, we’re doing it because it’s funny so it’s not bad, right?” and i’m pretty sure she just agreed with that and we did it again. After that i started feeling so bad. I didn’t understand what i was feeling after that, but i remember that a year later i just couldn’t stop feeling this pain in my chest whenever i thought about it. I felt so, so bad and i didn’t know why. I told my mom, but i lied by saying that my friend was the one who forced me. Did i feel better after that? no, i knew i was lying, and now that i’m 14 i feel even worse. I want to apologize to my friend and tell her that i’m really, really sorry. I feel like a monster who took advantage of her. i think that happened seven years ago, and i still feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. I’ve been feeling even worse now that i made some research about cocsa because it made me find out that it was my fault. I had access to phones at a young age, and i remember finding pornographic videos on social media, finding pictures of my dad naked on my mom’s phone, and there was also a little kid who would always make me watch pornographic videos his mom had on her phone and it was uncomfortable. I think that’s what made me do those things, but i still feel extremely bad, i can’t stop thinking about how i was able to do such a thing. I never touched my friend’s intimate areas, but i can’t stop thinking about the fact that i probably traumatized her and it makes me want to throw up. I feel like an abuser and it’s just so disgusting. I need help, i don’t know what to do. I haven’t told the truth to anyone because i don’t trust anyone enough to tell them about it.

Could somebody please help me? do I deserve forgiveness?

 

[Sideways]

do I deserve forgiveness?

For being a regular kid, doing the exact same thing that most kids do? No forgiveness required. This sort of behaviour is as normal as it gets.

If this is causing you distress, I recommend reaching out to a youth mental health support network in your area.

For example, here in Australia, that would be Headspace.

 

[beaneeboo]

For being a regular kid, doing the exact same thing that most kids do? No forgiveness required. This sort of behaviour is as normal as it gets.

If this is causing you distress, I recommend reaching out to a youth mental health support network in your area.

For example, here in Australia, that would be Headspace.

Exactly what @Sideways said...

Nothing you did was abnormal... you haven't done anything wrong... but given how much this seems to be bothering you, I'd go talk it through with someone in confidence - a professional is best and preferably one not affiliated with the church, just to ensure religious beliefs don't get in the way when weighing up what you did (you didn't do anything wrong).

Go gently

 

[Strange]

Hi. I’m 42 now and often remember two incidences in particular with friends around that age. As others have said, it’s not abnormal — a lot of folks around my age and older called it “playing doctor”, which feels creepy to write out and also understand why we feel icky after. I’ll also say it did impact me negatively and I wish I spoke about it earlier, so like others, recommend that too, just so it doesn’t fester in you.