I startet this chain of thoughts couple of years ago when I got sick leave from work due fatigue syndrom in combo with ptsd.
All my life no matter what Ive gone through Ive sweared to my self that there is certain paths I will not go down.
Like self harm and sucicidal thoughts.
I tried yet again to get help. Seems Ive spend my entire life trying to get the help I need according to traumas Ive survived. Without sucess.
They told me among other things instead of asking for help I should be helping since I sounded so ambulatory. On the other side they threaten to put me in to psyciatric for mental illness. I really tried so hard to get some one to understand me and my situation.
Lack of people who understood and support at this time was my final countdown. After a life of trying as best as I can to stand on my feets in midst of being exposed to serious violations and to get the right aid I couldnt handle it any more.
Had a hard talk with my self. That after all Ive tried - turned Noway upside down -, Ive begged and plead to each and everyone that should be able to help it seems - I should stop trying. I should allowe my self to acknowledge that no one can nor want to support or assist me in my process and yearning and path for healing.
So I decied I can no longer do this. I can no longer do this life. I want to die.
Thing is Im a coward.
So Ive decided I will give my self one year to give it my all to fix my life on my own. Not expecting nor asking pleading begging any one for help anymore. I would do all I can to be brave to apply for jobs and for posibilities to create a good life. On my own.
I failed. Again. At this point I became severly ill. I started to self harm. Just as a temperature measure to check If I was so emotionless that I could not even feel that I cut my self. Im also coward when if comes to self harm. I can never do it in proper and serious way. But for me the little Ive done is serious. It became very severe until last autumn. With the consequence I was kind of brutally arrested by police for cutting my hands and beat up severly (long story).
This was a wake up call. A very wrong one, but still. I new then that according to the state of Noway I dont owe my own life. I have no autunomi and If I continued like this they would indeed in the end put me into psyciatric and take the little of life I had left away from me.
So I stopped my self harm. At this time I were supposed to complete my promise to die.
But since I know had become a foster mom and my daughter needed me I could not.
So I decided I will have yet another year to live. This year we are in now. I will again do all my best to not ask for to much help that I know I wont get any way with out being further traumatized by non understanding helpers that only seems to want that I obey. Ive never been good at obeying. I was born kickin and screamin I think.
Ive done some progress thanks to this site on the road to create a life. My daughter is doing so well today after I supported her to get her on her feets and to get a will to live a good life. Ive taken examens. Ive got a part time job. I have school plans for the autumn. And plans for how to progress this year according to my goals.
But.
Im on social welfare on a so called work program. I have two coordinaters. One coordinator the social welfare money and one on the how - to - get back - into - worklife. None of them cooperate with me to keep the train going. They scare me with threats of taking away the social welfare money and to go to social welfare courses that sucks the little energy I got left and should be using for my own constructive ways to get out of this mess (long story again). They dont agree upon my examens nor schools nor anything else I do.
So for a couple of weeks ago me and two hiking buddies went for a hike. I was severly tired and fatigue after a long and exhauting week of self work task and fixing my broken life task such as work and school self regualte and care and more. I told them so. But also that I would be fine after an hour walk or so in fresh air. One of the guys is a bully. So he started to bully me. I tried to ignore. Dificult when some one doesnt give up and Im allready on the verge of a breakdown.
So as we were to reach the goal of this hike a lovely lake quite deep into the forest I reached my all time black hole break down. I was so ill. I sat there by the lake totally lost in a deep dark hole on such a lovely summers day in such a place.
And it dawned to me. Ive found it. Ive found the place where I can die. Ive been thinking about this for long. That If I were to let myself do this then where would I. And that has been a hinder. So to find it finally was so scary...The place I can die in peace if I can not heal the ruins of my broken life. I imagined all how I could come here and let my self go next spring if all my plans is to fail again.
On one side I am on a good flow now with things Ive accomplished lately to move ahead.
On the other side I just recently recived a mail from social welfare counsler where I understand that they will not cooperate to see me through this in a constructive way, but rather do what they can to make my life miserable.
And latter made me think that the state by its officers will be a serious hinder for me to accomplish. But I still got my free will Id I disapear into the deep forest. They can not take that away from me. Even if they where to send police officers to beat me up on my doorstep. Ill not be home.
I know where I can go now if life doesnt become worth living despite my efforts. Where I can hide in peace and quite and have my autonomi.
Its not what I want do. Deep down I want to live. I want to subcome this. I want to be content.
I guess I just have to pray that itll all work out by next spring.
And then if it do I will celebrate by finally afford to go on a journey far away from this Noway country I live in.
All my life no matter what Ive gone through Ive sweared to my self that there is certain paths I will not go down.
Like self harm and sucicidal thoughts.
I tried yet again to get help. Seems Ive spend my entire life trying to get the help I need according to traumas Ive survived. Without sucess.
They told me among other things instead of asking for help I should be helping since I sounded so ambulatory. On the other side they threaten to put me in to psyciatric for mental illness. I really tried so hard to get some one to understand me and my situation.
Lack of people who understood and support at this time was my final countdown. After a life of trying as best as I can to stand on my feets in midst of being exposed to serious violations and to get the right aid I couldnt handle it any more.
Had a hard talk with my self. That after all Ive tried - turned Noway upside down -, Ive begged and plead to each and everyone that should be able to help it seems - I should stop trying. I should allowe my self to acknowledge that no one can nor want to support or assist me in my process and yearning and path for healing.
So I decied I can no longer do this. I can no longer do this life. I want to die.
Thing is Im a coward.
So Ive decided I will give my self one year to give it my all to fix my life on my own. Not expecting nor asking pleading begging any one for help anymore. I would do all I can to be brave to apply for jobs and for posibilities to create a good life. On my own.
I failed. Again. At this point I became severly ill. I started to self harm. Just as a temperature measure to check If I was so emotionless that I could not even feel that I cut my self. Im also coward when if comes to self harm. I can never do it in proper and serious way. But for me the little Ive done is serious. It became very severe until last autumn. With the consequence I was kind of brutally arrested by police for cutting my hands and beat up severly (long story).
This was a wake up call. A very wrong one, but still. I new then that according to the state of Noway I dont owe my own life. I have no autunomi and If I continued like this they would indeed in the end put me into psyciatric and take the little of life I had left away from me.
So I stopped my self harm. At this time I were supposed to complete my promise to die.
But since I know had become a foster mom and my daughter needed me I could not.
So I decided I will have yet another year to live. This year we are in now. I will again do all my best to not ask for to much help that I know I wont get any way with out being further traumatized by non understanding helpers that only seems to want that I obey. Ive never been good at obeying. I was born kickin and screamin I think.
Ive done some progress thanks to this site on the road to create a life. My daughter is doing so well today after I supported her to get her on her feets and to get a will to live a good life. Ive taken examens. Ive got a part time job. I have school plans for the autumn. And plans for how to progress this year according to my goals.
But.
Im on social welfare on a so called work program. I have two coordinaters. One coordinator the social welfare money and one on the how - to - get back - into - worklife. None of them cooperate with me to keep the train going. They scare me with threats of taking away the social welfare money and to go to social welfare courses that sucks the little energy I got left and should be using for my own constructive ways to get out of this mess (long story again). They dont agree upon my examens nor schools nor anything else I do.
So for a couple of weeks ago me and two hiking buddies went for a hike. I was severly tired and fatigue after a long and exhauting week of self work task and fixing my broken life task such as work and school self regualte and care and more. I told them so. But also that I would be fine after an hour walk or so in fresh air. One of the guys is a bully. So he started to bully me. I tried to ignore. Dificult when some one doesnt give up and Im allready on the verge of a breakdown.
So as we were to reach the goal of this hike a lovely lake quite deep into the forest I reached my all time black hole break down. I was so ill. I sat there by the lake totally lost in a deep dark hole on such a lovely summers day in such a place.
And it dawned to me. Ive found it. Ive found the place where I can die. Ive been thinking about this for long. That If I were to let myself do this then where would I. And that has been a hinder. So to find it finally was so scary...The place I can die in peace if I can not heal the ruins of my broken life. I imagined all how I could come here and let my self go next spring if all my plans is to fail again.
On one side I am on a good flow now with things Ive accomplished lately to move ahead.
On the other side I just recently recived a mail from social welfare counsler where I understand that they will not cooperate to see me through this in a constructive way, but rather do what they can to make my life miserable.
And latter made me think that the state by its officers will be a serious hinder for me to accomplish. But I still got my free will Id I disapear into the deep forest. They can not take that away from me. Even if they where to send police officers to beat me up on my doorstep. Ill not be home.
I know where I can go now if life doesnt become worth living despite my efforts. Where I can hide in peace and quite and have my autonomi.
Its not what I want do. Deep down I want to live. I want to subcome this. I want to be content.
I guess I just have to pray that itll all work out by next spring.
And then if it do I will celebrate by finally afford to go on a journey far away from this Noway country I live in.
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