My childhood and adolescence were characterized by hatred, bullying and rejection. In all situations or life situations I was alone, had no friends and did not encounter friendly behavior of others or was rejected. At a young age I was beaten up by 2 classmates several times!
Because of this, I developed a real hatred against everything and everyone from my environment for a long time.
The problem of the whole thing, I was in my childhood and youth every damn day in my life alone and lonely. Everything that should be normal I could not do. I was afraid or just didn't have the strength to do it: party, go to the movies with friends, etc. I was simply abandoned by everyone! Everything was simply taken away from me!
I have tried again and again to find connection and again and again I was disappointed. This then led to loneliness and hatred or insecurity towards others.
The last years I have tried to change something in this situation. I constantly asked people if they would do something with me or invited me somewhere, just so I wouldn't have to be alone. But I distanced myself more and more from myself. If I was at home, none of the people were interested in me.
I avoided going to certain places or doing certain things for years because I was afraid of the others again. I moved away, back again and started hundreds of things but never became happy.
When I met my partner it was a little better in the short term. But in the back of my mind there were always those feelings and experiences from before.
I am f*cking 30 years old and have never celebrated a birthday in a "social" group in my whole life. Always only with my parents or my partner but never with a group of people. No one wanted anything to do with me. They said it to my face like that!
Whenever I take a step out of this situation now, I feel bad, insecure. I just notice how I lack these years of social experience, how something like this actually works. I am still a child inside and finally want this shit stops and I have fun in life.
Because of this, I developed a real hatred against everything and everyone from my environment for a long time.
The problem of the whole thing, I was in my childhood and youth every damn day in my life alone and lonely. Everything that should be normal I could not do. I was afraid or just didn't have the strength to do it: party, go to the movies with friends, etc. I was simply abandoned by everyone! Everything was simply taken away from me!
I have tried again and again to find connection and again and again I was disappointed. This then led to loneliness and hatred or insecurity towards others.
The last years I have tried to change something in this situation. I constantly asked people if they would do something with me or invited me somewhere, just so I wouldn't have to be alone. But I distanced myself more and more from myself. If I was at home, none of the people were interested in me.
I avoided going to certain places or doing certain things for years because I was afraid of the others again. I moved away, back again and started hundreds of things but never became happy.
When I met my partner it was a little better in the short term. But in the back of my mind there were always those feelings and experiences from before.
I am f*cking 30 years old and have never celebrated a birthday in a "social" group in my whole life. Always only with my parents or my partner but never with a group of people. No one wanted anything to do with me. They said it to my face like that!
Whenever I take a step out of this situation now, I feel bad, insecure. I just notice how I lack these years of social experience, how something like this actually works. I am still a child inside and finally want this shit stops and I have fun in life.
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