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Not in a Good Place

Rorster93

Confident
I got fired from my job for medical marijuana while I was attending college for that job. I changed my major to something completely different and decided to work at a restaurant in the evenings while I attend school during the day.

My job is hell on earth. I hate it. Not only do I have to deal with terrible, entitled, pushy customers, but I have to deal with rude, self-absorbed coworkers. I do this six days a week.

So with full-time school and working six days a week, I feel as though I am neglecting my cat who lives in our "guest house" because my boyfriend is mildly allergic and we have a dog that is not cat-friendly.

Then, my boyfriend decides to enlighten me on his thoughts on marriage. When we first met a few years ago, I told him my goal was to get married and he agreed. Well, I should have talked about it more because I am just now finding out that he plans on us "living life together first" and then get married at the last minute. My idea is get married first then live our life together. But, speaking to him about it, he just accuses me of wanting to start a fight which is his way of avoiding the discussion altogether. I can't afford to move out.

I know my mental health is not where it should be because I started to have a drink every night which would be okay if I did not have an early-to-rise, late-to-bed schedule but then I realized that I eventually could not stop myself from binge drinking. The last time I could not control my drinking was when my abuser died, and I would consume large amounts of alcohol to the point I had to put away alcohol for about a year before I could socially drink again. And when I was with the job that fired me, I would only occasionally drink, never had the need to drink every day.

When I drink, I get angry, and I fight with my boyfriend which is tearing us apart and making things worse.

This job I have makes me hate myself because no matter what, I am always a piece of sh*t, to someone, somewhere, and I can never not be. If I'm not a pos to a customer, I'm a pos to a coworker. I even tried to be the bigger person and apologize for something I didn't feel I did wrong, but it didn't work. I just simply was reprimanded by a coworker (not even the boss) for saying something that he took wrong. No matter what I do, or where I go, if it be at work, home, on the road, at the store, I am faced with people who hate me. My depression is getting worse, I am having suicidal ideation, I am angry, and because people hate me and are only out for themselves, f*ck everyone else, I hate them, too.

Even though I can't afford it, I've scheduled an appointment with my therapist who I haven't seen in a while due to losing my job with insurance. I feel like I'm going crazy, I feel rushed when there is nothing to rush about, I'm anxious that my life is about to collapse in on itself and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
 
It sounds like things are really difficult at the moment. Making the appointment with your T was a good move.

Do you have any short term goals that you can work towards? Sometimes that helps me refocus - instead of all the shit things around me, that are out of my control, it helps me concentrate more on what I’m doing for myself, and things that I do control. It also gives me meaningful things to celebrate, which can help shift the pointlessness feeling that grips me when I get depressed.

Either way, hope things improve for you soon.
 
It sounds like things are really difficult at the moment. Making the appointment with your T was a good move.

Do you have any short term goals that you can work towards? Sometimes that helps me refocus - instead of all the shit things around me, that are out of my control, it helps me concentrate more on what I’m doing for myself, and things that I do control. It also gives me meaningful things to celebrate, which can help shift the pointlessness feeling that grips me when I get depressed.
THIS.


My job is hell on earth. I hate it. Not only do I have to deal with terrible, entitled, pushy customers, but I have to deal with rude, self-absorbed coworkers. I do this six days a week.
If you’re comfortable in the restaurant industry, maybe a back of the house position? True BOH (rather than a kitchen open to the front), so you don’t have to be “on” all the time… using up all of your “good behavior” energy on work, & then crashing/exploding once you get home (and not only is all your self control used up, but alcohol strips the last shreds of impulse control away).
 
It sounds like things are really difficult at the moment. Making the appointment with your T was a good move.

Do you have any short term goals that you can work towards? Sometimes that helps me refocus - instead of all the shit things around me, that are out of my control, it helps me concentrate more on what I’m doing for myself, and things that I do control. It also gives me meaningful things to celebrate, which can help shift the pointlessness feeling that grips me when I get depressed.

Either way, hope things improve for you soon.
1. I have a biology exam this Thursday.
2. And next week an algebra exam.
3. Bake something for my boyfriend for valentine's day.
4. Go six months w/o drinking. I can drink chamomile Lavender tea to wind down. It helps me sleep better anyway and I'm less likely to lash out.

I would love to start a garden this spring. A little one that is within my budget. I was thinking a few herbs would be nice.
 
I was reading another post that is similar to my current feeling/depression. I can count my blessings as a way to see that all is not lost or on the verge of loss. I am in school and I have a house and a vehicle. I have a job, I am not jobless. I can pay my bills. My cat doesn't show any signs of negligence. She might actually be a bit overweight, but it's been cold outside so she's been holed up inside.

Everything is going for me. What overwhelms me are the customers and coworkers. It shouldn't shock me that people can be this way, just having to actually deal with it every day. Constantly nagged on. It gets old and tiring and effects my mental health. I swear to whatever God exists this will be my last restaurant job. I will never go back.

My boyfriend won't be easy to talk to. He gets mad at me and we don't talk for a few days. He probably isn't the one, but for now I love him. Besides, I don't have the capacity to "start over" in a new relationship anyway. I shower and smile less frequently nowadays, and dress with the least bit of effort. I'm not attractive emotionally or physically. If I didn't have my bf, I would have no one. Hell, I feel like I have no one now even in a relationship because he's mad at me.

So what's the point? I always hear that death is peaceful. But, why rush it? We're all gonna die one day and we will be dead longer than we are alive. Besides, I am too chicken to croak myself. And my dog acts like she can't live without me...so there's that.
 
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