had a dream i was cutting myself again and it felt good

[William_Peters]

It has been many, many years since I last cut myself. Two days ago, I had a dream where I was sitting in a chair all by myself, there was no one else around and there was completely quietness. The chair was oversized and so was the knife I was holding. Everything felt big except for me, I was small. I felt a sense of release and peace as I was cutting. When I woke up I felt kind of disappointed as the peace I felt was gone. Now I am feeling the need to get that peaceful feeling again. I put all knifes and sharp objects out of site, but still I have that feeling inside. Does this make any sense to anyone?

 

[Sideways]

Definitely makes sense to me. When I dream, SH is a theme that comes up a lot for me.

Are there stressful things going on in your life that may have triggered this? Maybe it’s worth investing some extra energy into self care for a while…?

 

[William_Peters]

I have been been in therapy for months now. Told my therapist this morning but I feel like I still need to get it out. Yeah, lost of stuff Recently I have been diagnosed with PTSD, MDD, and anxiety, oh what fun . I am at the end of a work contract and I will not be applying for a new one as my ability to functional daily and safely has declined to the point where it is not safe for me to go out alone as I get disorientated.

 

[Sideways]

Ah, things are pretty tough right now then.

So, emergency hits to the system (DBT offers some good strategies) are things like jumping under a cold shower (do it fully clothed if that’s what your head needs - the shock to the system is what makes this so damn effective), or keeping a couple of oranges in the freezer that you can pull out and hold in your hands. They don’t offer the visual impact of cutting, but the physiological impact is similar, and can be very effective if you couple it with your thought-stopping strategies (see DBT or ACT for thought-stopping or thought diffusion techniques).

Definitely it sounds like upping the self care is in order. Things are particularly difficult right now - life has thrown some major curve balls at you. You probably don’t feel like doing nice things for yourself, things that just make you feel calm or safe. But those activities built into your daily routine can be incredibly powerful, because they support recovery on a number of levels.

Cutting gives a rush. But it’s deceptive, because once the rush is passed? You will already have experience with what happens after for you - usually some pretty nasty (and spiralling) self talk, shame, and ultimately chasing the temporary ‘relief’ again and again (and the thing it’s meant to relieve still as big as ever, if not more so). You probably didn’t experience that in your dream, but there’ll be a reason that you stopped using SH as a coping strategy last time. Use that experience, and knowledge of yourself, to your advantage.

 

[Muttly]

I also haven't cut for years but this morning was wishing I could. Is it peace you are wanting to find through cutting? Anything else? I am sorry things are so hard for you. For me, it helps to remember I quit for a reason.