Friend being abused

[Aval]

It triggered rage in me, not flashbacks or anything, and today I'm sad as hell.
Going anon because he goes to forums, don't know which ones and seems like I'm the only one from my country here.

He manipulates her into having sex when she doesn't want to, is making her believe the phsysical violence is her fault, having her thinking she has a mental illness and going for therapy to help him with his own mental illness because 'she just doesn't understand'. I have a bunch of severe mental illnesses myself, one that he has as well, that's why she comes to me for help I think... and I was never abusive, and told her abuse is abuse and mental illness is not an excuse like he's making it seem it is, hiding behind his triggers to do whatever he pleases.

He's taking advantage financially as well, and making it seem he's too weak to help out, when he has solutions (sorry I'm being vague, I don't want to get her into trouble) for taking care of himself, with her willing to help out without being taken advantage of. His parents are willing to help him out, but he keeps taking advantage of her.

It's all very sad and I feel like I'm not doing enough to help her. She hides a lot of stuff, and doesn't tell him she comes to see me.

I'm so angry and sad at the same time, just want to yank her out of that situation and kick him in the nuts.

I've been searching for ways to help out, and it seems I'm doing all the right things. She just needs time. So frustrating.

 

[Aval]

I forgot to ask in the end... Anyone has any ideas how to approach this situation? I'm trying to be more present in her life lately, he's trying to isolate her.

 

[Owe]

Does anyone else in her circle have any knowledge or suspicion of this? Ie; family, other friends?

 

[Aval]

Some friends are aware and told her to go to therapy, others defend him, her family is not aware. He's pretty slick. If she didn't tell me I wouldn't have guessed either, he keeps appearances right.

 

[Orej]

Is there any way to get her to tell her family?

 

[Aval]

She would need to stop blaming herself first and stop seeing him as a perfect human being capable of no harm, then to have enough confidence in herself to accept it's abuse and then that she doesn't have to take it. Can take a long time..

Although her parents are present in her life they don't pay that much attention to her I think, and like him a lot.. also it happened something similar before with a previous boyfriend and they don't seem to see it, or they just leave it up to her I don't really understand the logic behind it to be honest.

Which probably explains a lot about her choice in men...

I don't have a close relationship with her parents, wouldn't know how to contact them either.

 

[Orej]

I'm not sure what you can do for her. It's such a frustrating and sad thing.

I really wish I could tell you something useful.

 

[Aval]

It really is... Thank you, your idea of talking to her parents is good. I might tell her in the future to talk to her mother about it, probably has more sympathy, they get along pretty well. We'll see...

 

[Orej]

Hopefully it's enough to get some eyes on him.

 

[Ito]

Have her talk to people at a women's abuse shelter. That should enlighten her.

I'd probably have to confront both of them. Even if it risked losing the friendship.

 

[Aval]

She's big on volunteering... maybe ask her to volunteer at a women's shelter to see what it's like? Or is that too much of a shock therapy?

 

[Sedomi]

This is a very sad and frustrating situation. I have a friend in a similar boat (though probably no physical abuse, as far as I can tell) but there is definitely emotional abuse and I have sort of mentioned it to her before but she thinks he's great and he (and quite possibly her own family) seem to blame her for all the problems because she has a mental illness. From the bits that I know, he is possessive, always wants to know where she is (she sends him snaps...probably as proof), he has said and done some things that many women would have dumped him for. She tried to dump him too but I guess isn't strong/confident enough to make it permanent. There are many other issues at play (family, culture etc...her family seems to love him and there seems to be an expectation that they will marry)...Anyway, you've probably done what you can - she has to want to help herself...Unfortunately, you probably can't save her from this. Neither of us can (that doesn't mean we stop looking for ways to try anyway). Good luck!