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Relationship Friend had bacterial meningitis twice, then raped, now suicidal
- Post starter Calder
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- #14
It’s me though that thought the meningitis was caused by her hitting her head, after i thought I read that from somewhere, i suppose it could have happened some other way though. And I don't think it is that she got meningitis twice in such a short period, i don't think it was ever fully extinguished, plus she had another 'period', 2nd in a month with heavy heavy bleeding and throwing up etc etc and was fainting and hit her head at one point again, so she was susceptible to it coming back I think.
If it was fake, it was very well planned, because the doctor she was talking about had been hitting on/told her he wanted her earlier as well, and she disliked him and felt uncomfortable around him (this kind of thing happens, I was a peacecorps volunteer in west africa for awhile, and i heard from other volunteers of rape/sexual abuse happening in places where it shouldn’t (hospital/clinic, schools, etc). and we communicate alot and it just doesn't seem like tha
I don’t feel guilty, mostly, I know it wasn’t my fault but it is really shitty, and she doesn’t blame me/doesn’t want me to feel guilty, she is a trustworthy person,
also this was on healthline: Meningitis-causing bacteria are more likely to attack the membranes of your brain after a trauma such as:
Also when she was feeling sick after taking plan-b i looked it up and some people have really bad experiences on it (most don’t but some do). That and she kept having to cook for her aunt’s family and wasn’t getting rest. (her body has strange reactions to things sometimes, she has had ulcers in past, she gets keloids, and some
I really appreciate your guy’s responses /this discussion though and please keep them up.
If it was fake, it was very well planned, because the doctor she was talking about had been hitting on/told her he wanted her earlier as well, and she disliked him and felt uncomfortable around him (this kind of thing happens, I was a peacecorps volunteer in west africa for awhile, and i heard from other volunteers of rape/sexual abuse happening in places where it shouldn’t (hospital/clinic, schools, etc). and we communicate alot and it just doesn't seem like tha
I don’t feel guilty, mostly, I know it wasn’t my fault but it is really shitty, and she doesn’t blame me/doesn’t want me to feel guilty, she is a trustworthy person,
also this was on healthline: Meningitis-causing bacteria are more likely to attack the membranes of your brain after a trauma such as:
- a head fracture
- surgery
- a sinus infection
Also when she was feeling sick after taking plan-b i looked it up and some people have really bad experiences on it (most don’t but some do). That and she kept having to cook for her aunt’s family and wasn’t getting rest. (her body has strange reactions to things sometimes, she has had ulcers in past, she gets keloids, and some
I really appreciate your guy’s responses /this discussion though and please keep them up.
joeylittle
Sponsor
Did all this happen after you left her in Africa? If I'm understanding the timeline, the last you were there to witness was telling her to try Plan B.
Correct?
ETA: also, @Calder - how old is she, and as far as you are aware, was she content/well-adjusted prior to this?
Correct?
ETA: also, @Calder - how old is she, and as far as you are aware, was she content/well-adjusted prior to this?
I just realized she is probably still in Africa. That changes things a bit. I thought you were talking about a fellow American you'd worked with there who had also returned to the States. I guess things make a bit more sense if she's still in Africa.
I'm not sure there is much you can do to cheer her up. If she's going to counseling, that's already a good start. I'm sure the videos you're sending don't hurt either. But if she said she didn't want you to come, there's not much else you can do.
I'm not sure there is much you can do to cheer her up. If she's going to counseling, that's already a good start. I'm sure the videos you're sending don't hurt either. But if she said she didn't want you to come, there's not much else you can do.
D
Deleted member 541
Ok, first off. You don't just "take some antibiotics" for bacterial meningitis. They are given through intravenous. And believe me, you don't talk when you have this either. Seriously the pain is almost unbearable. And it isn't something that you have for "days" either. Each time I had viral meningitis I was hospitalized from 5-7 days, and then at home recovering for at least a week. Bacterial is way different and you are there for weeks..... Yes, it's possible to relapse, because I did one time. But again, mine was viral and not dangerous at all.
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- #20
So ya she is African, she is a university student, 21, I am 26. She was kinda well adjusted beforehand but didn't have a lot of friends because all hers are getting married and she moved around alot with her aunt prior to this. Her aunt is paying for her expensive tuition, but she has to work and do lots of chores for her, and she is overworked with this illness but doesn't want to complain, either she thinks, or it is actually happening, that the aunt is holding the tuition over her head to work hard/not complain and such.
We met online through one of those chatting apps/meet new people apps, that is how we met, met like a week or so before hand, I was looking for a casual relationship while I was there and that was stated, was only to be temporary. The last time I saw her she was fine, a little abdominal pain which is normal after taking plan-b - i last saw her like 1 day after she took plan-b.
She was raped at a private hospital in the city. Now she is getting treatment from a different hospital, and saw a counselor through Marie Stopes, hopefully she will go back to this counselor and join a women's support group, but she can be very stubborn and at the moment she does not want help. I am debating going to east africa for a week and seeing her to try to help out.
Ya i think the first time she had the meningitis she was in the hospital for like a week, and she was getting penicillin injected, but she has keloids, so she is really against that - keloids mean she has scare tissue that over-grows when there is any sort of wound, tiny or big, and she just really hates injections and doctors, especially now. She really wanted to go home, so they let her and for a few days would visit and inject the penicillin, and last time apparently she refused to have them visit or something and demanded they give her the shots so she was giving herself the shots at home, I don't quite remember what the situation was exactly but something like that. And ya she has been really weak, can't walk that much or else feels dizzy, lots of dizzyness.
Now she is taking pill-form antibiotics i think, i think because she has probably refused to take it by needle, and I am assuming the doctors can't strap her down against her will, and she can be stubborn with this kind of thing. Like i said before, she can be responsible for some things, and irresponsible about others, like her own health (and maybe without realizing it-others health), plus she doens't really trust people since she was raped.
ok, cynical old man question..... ive sent her $300, and i sent her $100 today. I sent in bunches of $100 because she needed money for meds and for tampons because was bleeding so much, and its been like 2 months now. so like rehydration mix, tampons, meds, counselor session (like $5 for each), plus staying in hospital last time was expensive, like $80 for 3 days. She has never asked for money, she has always said no, but I have insisted on giving it to her, I tell her because I have the money, and I am partly responsible because we had sex and I suggested the plan-b pill, and I care about her.
We met online through one of those chatting apps/meet new people apps, that is how we met, met like a week or so before hand, I was looking for a casual relationship while I was there and that was stated, was only to be temporary. The last time I saw her she was fine, a little abdominal pain which is normal after taking plan-b - i last saw her like 1 day after she took plan-b.
She was raped at a private hospital in the city. Now she is getting treatment from a different hospital, and saw a counselor through Marie Stopes, hopefully she will go back to this counselor and join a women's support group, but she can be very stubborn and at the moment she does not want help. I am debating going to east africa for a week and seeing her to try to help out.
Ya i think the first time she had the meningitis she was in the hospital for like a week, and she was getting penicillin injected, but she has keloids, so she is really against that - keloids mean she has scare tissue that over-grows when there is any sort of wound, tiny or big, and she just really hates injections and doctors, especially now. She really wanted to go home, so they let her and for a few days would visit and inject the penicillin, and last time apparently she refused to have them visit or something and demanded they give her the shots so she was giving herself the shots at home, I don't quite remember what the situation was exactly but something like that. And ya she has been really weak, can't walk that much or else feels dizzy, lots of dizzyness.
Now she is taking pill-form antibiotics i think, i think because she has probably refused to take it by needle, and I am assuming the doctors can't strap her down against her will, and she can be stubborn with this kind of thing. Like i said before, she can be responsible for some things, and irresponsible about others, like her own health (and maybe without realizing it-others health), plus she doens't really trust people since she was raped.
ok, cynical old man question..... ive sent her $300, and i sent her $100 today. I sent in bunches of $100 because she needed money for meds and for tampons because was bleeding so much, and its been like 2 months now. so like rehydration mix, tampons, meds, counselor session (like $5 for each), plus staying in hospital last time was expensive, like $80 for 3 days. She has never asked for money, she has always said no, but I have insisted on giving it to her, I tell her because I have the money, and I am partly responsible because we had sex and I suggested the plan-b pill, and I care about her.
You seem to be going to really great lengths to help someone you barely know. Which is commendable, but I also think you need to keep reminding yourself that you really don't know this girl, and it's not your responsibility to take care of her. Especially since it seems like she doesn't even want to take care of herself right now.
This seems almost like some variation of "wounded bird syndrome." It seems like you're getting really attached to her precisely because she has all these problems and is a bit broken right now. (Maybe attached isn't the right word, but you seem to have a really strong sense of obligation to her, and it almost doesn't correspond to the circumstances)
It's incredibly kind of you to be so nice to her; not all guys would be so caring. But it does seem sort of concerning that you're sending her money. Even if she doesn't ask for it. Not all scammers come right out and ask for it -- many of the female scammers I've known (and I've known plenty from when I lived in Ukraine) are clever enough to NOT ask for money and to actually say they don't want it. But they do exactly what she's doing and describe really pitiful situations that makes men inclined to help them by sending money.
I'm not saying she is a scammer, by no means. But i'd be cautious about taking on too many of her problems. Especially financially.
This seems almost like some variation of "wounded bird syndrome." It seems like you're getting really attached to her precisely because she has all these problems and is a bit broken right now. (Maybe attached isn't the right word, but you seem to have a really strong sense of obligation to her, and it almost doesn't correspond to the circumstances)
It's incredibly kind of you to be so nice to her; not all guys would be so caring. But it does seem sort of concerning that you're sending her money. Even if she doesn't ask for it. Not all scammers come right out and ask for it -- many of the female scammers I've known (and I've known plenty from when I lived in Ukraine) are clever enough to NOT ask for money and to actually say they don't want it. But they do exactly what she's doing and describe really pitiful situations that makes men inclined to help them by sending money.
I'm not saying she is a scammer, by no means. But i'd be cautious about taking on too many of her problems. Especially financially.
- Post starter
- #22
Ya you make good points. I am pretty sure she is not scamming me, but I need to take care of myself too and not get too invested in helping. We did have a good connection though (feels like we became good friends, shared alot with each other) and it is tough because I feel like she has no one else to depend on (this is partly her responsibility though as she has been pushing people away away well). I definitely am closer to her/more attached/attentive to her now that she has all these issues than a month ago, but ya i want her to be better and thinking that I can make the difference. But ya i need to realize I can only control myself and my actions and can't fix everything/don't have control over everything.
A small part of me thinks, I think, that I am in a position where I can help her/she needs me, so if I don't do what I can, then if she ends up dying or something, that I will kind of blame myself, and that I kind of have an obligation in that sense to try to help her.
But ya it is good advice to be cautious about taking on her financial problems, I never promise payments in future, but she is in such a hard spot and I can help out (and I do still believe she is telling me the truth, I can understand that the story sounds fishy though).
A small part of me thinks, I think, that I am in a position where I can help her/she needs me, so if I don't do what I can, then if she ends up dying or something, that I will kind of blame myself, and that I kind of have an obligation in that sense to try to help her.
But ya it is good advice to be cautious about taking on her financial problems, I never promise payments in future, but she is in such a hard spot and I can help out (and I do still believe she is telling me the truth, I can understand that the story sounds fishy though).
joeylittle
Sponsor
@Calder - if you truly believe her - don't send over any more money. Just go. You said you have the time and resource; so, go and help.
I suspect you are going to find she's not sick. But if she is, being there and helping will be more effective than sending money. And if she's not, you'll know and can start dealing with having been lied to.
I'm sorry to sound harsh. But you really don't know her. A series of escalating crises is a common internet relationship scam. And her crises are highly implausible.
Mental health wise: her telling you - too far away to intervene - that she is suicidal, puts you in a really bad spot. It's very difficult to hear someone say that and not give them whatever they need.
But it's a kind of emotional blackmail - whether she means it to be or not, doesn't matter. You aren't helping her by being the only person she can talk to. If what she is saying is true, then she needs real human help of some kind. I don't think that's easy to find in many parts of Africa - but you said she is in school.
Does the school have mental health services? That may be an option.
I suspect you are going to find she's not sick. But if she is, being there and helping will be more effective than sending money. And if she's not, you'll know and can start dealing with having been lied to.
I'm sorry to sound harsh. But you really don't know her. A series of escalating crises is a common internet relationship scam. And her crises are highly implausible.
Mental health wise: her telling you - too far away to intervene - that she is suicidal, puts you in a really bad spot. It's very difficult to hear someone say that and not give them whatever they need.
But it's a kind of emotional blackmail - whether she means it to be or not, doesn't matter. You aren't helping her by being the only person she can talk to. If what she is saying is true, then she needs real human help of some kind. I don't think that's easy to find in many parts of Africa - but you said she is in school.
Does the school have mental health services? That may be an option.
D
Deleted member 541
@Calder As I've mentioned before, I don't believe any of it. I think you are being played. None of her story adds up, medically at least.
I knew someone that got into one of these scams. She took him for everything he had. When he died, I called her and her first question was, "He said he was going to send me some more money on Thursday, do you know if he did?" I lost it, told her, "He's f*cking dead, I don't know what he did."
I knew someone that got into one of these scams. She took him for everything he had. When he died, I called her and her first question was, "He said he was going to send me some more money on Thursday, do you know if he did?" I lost it, told her, "He's f*cking dead, I don't know what he did."
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