Teasel
VIP Member
Really I'm not sure what to call this thread I just want to try and start talking about some of it all.
Lots is going on at the moment. I have been having trauma therapy for 18 months - it's been very difficult for me yo trust, open up, and still us but there is some trust now and some progress. I find this wonderful and terrifying! Also I have been devastated and frightened as therapy is due to end in the summer and I know I have been dipped my toe into all the stuff I haven't dealt with yet.
In the past 2 years I have been unable to shake the idea that I really don't matter to anyone, not really. I manager to cut out a one sided abusive "friendship" which is good. But that meant losing the only person that would sometimes listen compassionately.
Also have effectively lost the only other friendships I had through various reasons.
I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and have been for a long time. I know I need to leave, I don't have the money to do so, and sometimes we would get on well - when I denied myself - no good I know but there isn't another human being much in my life. I already feel quite abandoned, I'm a bit frightened to leave him too.
Recently - maybe because of the therapy, it feels like some parts of me are slowly waking up again - I have loved some things about that - have even liked mysrlf sometimes. Am aware of being interested in some things again. Feel less dead.
And havecstartt3d defending mysrlf against my partner again which feels great for my self respect. But terrible for my ability to cope. It's made him very angry, sometimes frightening and nasty, constantly accusing me of all sorts, putting me down, tring ti define my reality and shut me up - win at any cost.
Some days I can only bar to be in his presence for 30 minutes. I've become very withdrawn, my world has shrunk, spending most of my time in my bedroom.
Also recently I've been humiliated and ridiculed by some people I thought were friends.
It's truly extroadinarily ary t9 me how there is just no one who accepts I could be right about what's happening to me at all. Even with the therapist my words regularly dry up as she suggests I should make more effort with these friends and my partner
Today defended .ysrlf against my partner. I refused to give up.defending myself, refused to ccept him saying how good he is and how abusive I am. He was angry from morning to evening.
Eventually he accepted there was some validity to something I said and he said sorry. Soundedike he meant it too. Though I'm under no illusion hell not be abusive again soon.
I'm low, frightened actually, tired of being used or let down by people, very isolated, have terrible urges to punish myself. For some reason all my good habits I built up, self care and so on, I can't make myself do them anymore. Huge amounts of shame...
And just am sick ti death of people telling me the many ways that I'm wrong!
Thanks to anyone that's listened, would be great t9 feel heard.
Lots is going on at the moment. I have been having trauma therapy for 18 months - it's been very difficult for me yo trust, open up, and still us but there is some trust now and some progress. I find this wonderful and terrifying! Also I have been devastated and frightened as therapy is due to end in the summer and I know I have been dipped my toe into all the stuff I haven't dealt with yet.
In the past 2 years I have been unable to shake the idea that I really don't matter to anyone, not really. I manager to cut out a one sided abusive "friendship" which is good. But that meant losing the only person that would sometimes listen compassionately.
Also have effectively lost the only other friendships I had through various reasons.
I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and have been for a long time. I know I need to leave, I don't have the money to do so, and sometimes we would get on well - when I denied myself - no good I know but there isn't another human being much in my life. I already feel quite abandoned, I'm a bit frightened to leave him too.
Recently - maybe because of the therapy, it feels like some parts of me are slowly waking up again - I have loved some things about that - have even liked mysrlf sometimes. Am aware of being interested in some things again. Feel less dead.
And havecstartt3d defending mysrlf against my partner again which feels great for my self respect. But terrible for my ability to cope. It's made him very angry, sometimes frightening and nasty, constantly accusing me of all sorts, putting me down, tring ti define my reality and shut me up - win at any cost.
Some days I can only bar to be in his presence for 30 minutes. I've become very withdrawn, my world has shrunk, spending most of my time in my bedroom.
Also recently I've been humiliated and ridiculed by some people I thought were friends.
It's truly extroadinarily ary t9 me how there is just no one who accepts I could be right about what's happening to me at all. Even with the therapist my words regularly dry up as she suggests I should make more effort with these friends and my partner
Today defended .ysrlf against my partner. I refused to give up.defending myself, refused to ccept him saying how good he is and how abusive I am. He was angry from morning to evening.
Eventually he accepted there was some validity to something I said and he said sorry. Soundedike he meant it too. Though I'm under no illusion hell not be abusive again soon.
I'm low, frightened actually, tired of being used or let down by people, very isolated, have terrible urges to punish myself. For some reason all my good habits I built up, self care and so on, I can't make myself do them anymore. Huge amounts of shame...
And just am sick ti death of people telling me the many ways that I'm wrong!
Thanks to anyone that's listened, would be great t9 feel heard.
