Hello all,
Besides having a long history of familial, non-famial, and professional abuse (sexual, physical, mental, medical, and emotional) and neglect (basis survival, physical, medical, and emotional), and very rare autoimmune disorders that interfere with my activities, work, and relationships, I am also gay, or more accurately gender neutral with no partner, kids, family, friends, or acquaintances - just a few precious four-footed furry companions.
For the first 20 years of my life I was kept captive and isolated and forbidden from speaking to anyone while enduring in silence such taboo atrocities as mother-daughter incest, repeated gang rapes, a teacher's star prey, an employer's instructor's target, and a professional's paralytic/amnesia induced assaults. Once "free", I tried to establish a life of meaning, a career, and a few supportive connections, but with each job relocation and serious health issues, those much needed ties faded away. As I am both a Master's Level Engineer and Social Worker who has been coping for years with PTSD, DDNOS, and MDD symptoms, I could choose to speak intellectual jargon, but would rather speak from a heart in distress.
Over this past year or so, I have lost a long-term therapist to death, my primary autoimmune physician who departed private practice, and my voice. I have also had three unsuccessful knee operations, a vehicle that stopped operating, many ER trips to reopen my airway, a therapist that I felt was a good fit who abruptly terminated our alliance after nine months because "my level of human deprivation and abuse damage was too excessive and taxing", my SS Disability case went in for a full review without that therapist's willingness to be involved (leaving me high and dry to substantiate the continued need) , and I had to (without much warning) euthanize two of my furry felines (8 and 9 years young) - one as recent as Friday 8-5-2011. On top of that, my search for both a new primary physician, a new trauma skilled therapist, and some much needed gay accepting human connections has failed miserably. Now I fear that the only hope I have to turn things around is if someone somehow reaches in and stops this current withdraw into the wasteland of toxic shame and despair.
Sorry to be so depressing, I can honestly cope fairly well with much of the physical health and abuse related symptoms, but my body and mind ache with such extreme isolation and sheer level of isolation. But to cope, I do need at least one steadfast support to routinely check in with before this escalate to where I have trouble regrouping from (like my first posting). However, my one true long-term support was a therapist prior to this last attempt who unfortunately and tragically died in a car accident while in vacation. Yet being inherently human, we can do many things for ourselves, but caring kinship or nurturing support is of course the one true gift we can ONLY give to others - and hope that at least some will freely want to give it to us. Hard to do when each new hurt, each new loss, steals more and more of the me I know I can be, uses what little resources I have left, and taps into the horrible terror, shame, and grief driven retreat of my past. Sadly, as of now I've run out of the stamina and sense of worth needed to continue searching for that which I know I need - I've given all that I have in me but to no avail. I'm not sure I can generate enough to start anew, especially when I was once oh so close to having much of what I wanted.
Thank you for this outlet and for giving me a second chance - perhaps a door that I hadn't seen before will open? Perhaps I will see it in what you write on this forum?
Alex
Outskirts of Philadephia, PA
