Frozen?

[seedling]

I've just passed the first anniversary. Not sure if I'm still in it. Maybe, sometimes feel I'm in a time warp.

I've wanted to post, ask a question, share the experience, but I can't even seem to realize what to say or what to ask or just what it is I'm experiencing. It's all beyond words somehow.

If I took a picture of myself it would be a picture of my face with my eyes wide open, my mouth open to say something, the whole surge going inside of me and nothing comes out.

I go on day to day, experience the ups and downs, think about things, make small steps forward, try to combat the terrible negativity, sometimes take a pill when I need a break. But I don't know where I am somehow.

So, here I am writing this. I'm still here, just kind of silent right now.

 

[kers]

That expression describes pure terror and surprise. PTSD *is* a time warp, so it's no surprise you feel that way.

Anniversaries are very hard. But you made it through it. Taking things day by day sounds to me like the only way to get through it all to the other side. It sounds like you're doing a lot of things "right," you know? Give yourself some credit for that.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Seedling,
Quiet too... sending love,
Deer

 

[Lightseeker]

Sometimes even day by day seems too much. Sometimes it is nano-second by nano-second. One of the most important things I can tell you is when you are feeling overwhelmed, try to just concentrate on your breath. Breathe in through the nose as deeply as you can and control the exhale through the mouth. Just breathe. It has helped me many times.

 

[seedling]

Thanks Kers, about the expression. It occurred to me that it is similar to my avatar. OK, learning the obvious, but so glad to be seeing it

Thanks everyone, just feels good to be here and feel connected.

I was thinking that last year at this time I was very (as in very, very, very ) stunned for weeks. Maybe that is what is part of my feeling now. I am functioning with some success but don't really FEEL it. It's like it's someone else is doing it, not me.
And here comes the spaced out feeling. I guess this is the most dissociation I've felt since the trauma itself.

Didn't think I had that part very bad

It's still all such a surprise.

 

[just me here]

If you survived it once you can do it again. If you can get past that last 10 minutes, the next 10 are a sure thing.

Thats how I get through an episode, by remembering the things that came after the last one and looking forward to that part, I know it is coming again, it did before and before and before.

make sense?

 

[seedling]

That does make sense. I always remember what my psychiatrist told me in the very beginning. That it gets easier every time you make yourself do it or get through it.

It must get better infinitesimally sometimes

 

[KP the nut]

(((Seedling))) you are not alone.

I'm coming up to my anniversary. A year, surely not. I am stuck in a small bubble, just me and the crash, life goes on around me but I am stuck in the time warp.

Hang in there. I trust in a time where it will be better, I hope you can as well.

Take care
KP

 

[anni]

I'd known yours was coming up soon, but not when. Maybe there's not a whole lot you can say yet, you know? When there is, you'll say it. Just because there's an anniversary doesn't mean some profound movement either way necessarily-perhaps the recognition that the pain is still here, I don't know.

Just be kind to yourself, take care, process what you can when you can. We're here.

Hugs, if that's helpful and ok today for you.

 

[Abrasky]

I hope you feel better soon. I liked how you put that. Sometimes not saying anything says more than words.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi seedling, I posted before but I must have deleted it accidentally.

I'm not sure, when it comes to anniversaries or even some days there are just so many emotions, thoughts, feelings and questions that it leaves me speechless, too. I'm not sure if that was because words were not spoken at the time, and therefore there is nothing to retrieve, or it is simply overwhelming.

I think sometimes there's so much 'shock' involved we expect the worst for the future (or at least are not surprised) in order to cushion us from future 'blows'. But things CAN and WILL get better.

You can say you are 'here', and you 'made it', for your sake and that of so many who love you.
(((seedling)))

P.S- I like your name. I always think of a 'growing sprout'- imagine how you will grow and how beautiful and what you will 'be'

 

[seedling]

The anniversary of my son's being shot was on Dec. 12. A week in the hospital after that, then home and seeing how emaciated he'd become in such a short time. That time frame was mostly anxiety.

Now, since New Year's, it's been a frozen, stunned thing. Last year it was doctor's visits and trying to get some sort of routine going again (feebly!). I guess that's also when my sense of failure really started up. That it was "over" and he was fine and recovering but the pieces were starting to be so hard to put back together again.

Anyway, it's sun on a little new snow today and it's beautiful weather!

I'll take hugs anytime, thanks.