Full of rage

[Theasylumsystem]

My teeth hurt. I keep clenching my jaw. Tonight I don't think sleep is coming. I'm too f*cking angry and filled with hate. My entire body wants to revolt. There's this great big ball of sadness too. Like my chest weighs a thousand pounds and my bones ache. I want to crawl out of my skin. I can't focus on anything except how angry I am. I can't even remember my own address anymore. I got lost on a walk with my service dog today. I was only a block away from home and I got f*cking lost. I can't remember anything because they f*cked me up. I was just a kid. How could anyone be that f*cking cruel to a kid? My entire life I'll be dealing with the shit they did. There's nothing left in me; I'm empty. I can't hold a job. I can't go back to school. I can't even remember where I f*cking live. I've lived in this town my entire f*cking life and can't remember where I live. It's so f*cked.

 

[shimmerz]

Hi @Theasylumsystem . Sounds like you are coming to some really difficult truths. I am so very sorry you were treated this way. I often wondered myself while going through this type of thing. Was anger better than grief or grief better than anger. I think they say anger is meant to propel - and I don't always think that is true. Sometimes the injustice; the shock; the betrayal etc can be so incredibly overwhelming. Try to give yourself some time to process. My thoughts are with you.

 

[arfie]

gentle empathy, @Theasylumsystem . rage is one of my more therapy resistant symptoms. i am quasi-relieved to say that i am tempted to put that in the past tense, but every time i think i have conquered one of my symptoms, the powers that be send me a lesson in humility. humble pie is not my favorite desert.

i'm still prone to outbursts, but getting proficient at catching myself and making amends while the wounds are still fresh. keeping up is so000000000 much easier than catching up. anger channeling is my number one tool for remediating my anger. my most effective anger channel is hitting things rather than people. when i first started anger channeling, i would staple pictures of whomever i was raging at and blast away with a stick. sometimes i dipped my stick in catsup for added effect. these days, a vigorous workout is enough. at 68, my definition of "vigorous" seems to be mellowing considerably. once i have purged the toxins of anger from my system, deeper untangling of the psycho snot knot becomes possible. while i am angry, i have the IQ of a badger. i'm not capable of much more than attacking.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what works for you.

for what it's worth
i got full dentures last year and discovered that i'm a teeth clencher, too. now that i have teeth to clench with, my jaws are an achy mess. i strongly suspect the ache is even deeper when the teeth have roots inside the jaws.
plying therapy tools. . .

 

[Deleted member 53257]

i have really bad anger issues through my ptsd somebody looks at me or says something about friends and or family i feel like bursting into flames and i go from zero to excuse the language to f*cking 100000 in the flick of a switch to the point i wear a lanyard warning people i have ptsd i feel stupid wearing it when asked what is ptsd how did i get it im fortunate to have a very understanding girlfriend she trys her best to understand but i dont think she really understands when i try and explain whats going on in my head

 

[Nixx]

I feel all of you right now. Anger put me in the situation that led to my abuse, and let me tell you that abuse only amplified my seething and rage once I was out. But the terror of being sent back muzzled me from physically hurting someone again (tho ill be honest there have been times ive come close and that's a hurt in and of itself). No I use my words to inflict pain and let out my rage. My skin just physically feels raw, like its been peeled away and the underlying tissue is exposed. It physically hurts. When it gets there I go shower in the dark or go speed my car around the hills near my house just feel something different. I probably have drank it away one too many times, locking myself in my bedroom and just laying in bed waiting for unconsciousness.

 

[Deleted member 53257]

i try and keep my anger under control but sometimes it bubbles to the surface but its like an automatic reaction i see a red mist then after the event all i do is appologise to everyone my work dont understand we have mental heath chapions at work i told on i have ptsd. the reply i got was priceless i was asked what is ptsd then they just walked off

 

[Freddyt]

I was thinking I was much better with that until my new T said "there's a lot of anger there" in my last session. You realize that you have been so busy trying not to drown that when you can keep your head above water while standing on the bottom it seems much better......

It's difficult and it takes time to get to the roots of what causes that anger. For now, find a way to let some of it out when you can.....

 

[Friday]

Been there. Will probably be there, again.

 

[Aprilshowers]

After reading all these posts I felt compelled to reply, but doubt this will go over well. My primary Abuser had a huge anger problem and an explosive temper. His anger terrified me my entire life until his death. His anger played a huge role in all the forms of abuse I suffered. What helped me conquer my own anger-related issues toward my trauma was realizing that I did NOT want to be like him. It took years, but when I was finally able to forgive this man for my sake (definitely not his) and let go of the poison, I was also able to release the anger. It was so very important to me that I not resemble this person at all. I hate myself when feel angry.

 

[Weemie]

I'm too f*cking angry and filled with hate.

I don't think there is such a thing as being "too" angry. It sounds like the anger you are experiencing is overwhelming, and distressing. But there's no maximum amount of anger that a person is allowed to feel. Anger is our brain and our body's way of sounding the alarm that an injustice has occurred. And it sounds like that is exactly what this is: an injustice which was perpetrated onto you, by the adults in your life who were supposed to protect you and care for you.

In my own therapy recently the word "betrayal" has come up, and I am not someone accustomed to recognizing the impact of being betrayed by others. To me it is illogical, and imperceptible, because my child-like processing cannot determine why someone would behave in such a way unless they were psychologically deficient. (Ultimately, this may in fact be the truth.) And the fact that someone did cause me harm, does not seem... relevant. It just is, why should I care that I was hurt?

The idea of being angry at my abusers is unfathomable, because for me, it is akin to being angry at a tornado for razing down the house. As though my abuse was simply a natural occurrence, a fleet of the weather. But you have already overcome this barrier. You see that there is injustice, unfairness, cruelty, betrayal. All things worthy of anger (though you do not need to meet any arbitrary "correct reason for anger," either).

Fortunately, there are methods that exist that can improve build your tolerance to enduring these emotions, so that they do not cause you as much distress. These are techniques you can learn online through dialectical and physiological regulation. I find "STOP" and "TIPS" from DBT to be particularly helpful, and I use some behavioral modification apps like AIMS to cope with my destructive and aggressive tendencies.

I've found the most significant coping mechanism in the moment where I am so angry I could hit someone, is humor - so I've loaded my phone with a lot of memes and screenshots of funny things my friends have said. I also do my best to keep my body as still as possible, and I commit to not taking any action until I am confident I can control my behavior. (This may or may not apply for you.)