Relationship Gets Worse Before It Gets Better?

[Dandelion]

Thank you both for sharing. The bookshelf metaphor helps make things a little clearer as to what he's going through. I do understand that I need to back off when he's angry, but like I said, it usually blows up so fast that I don't even realize he's angry until he snaps. Sometimes this happens over text conversations (as was the case the other day) so I really don't see it coming because I can't hear his tone of voice or see his body language.

You're absolutely right that I don't want to walk on eggshells the rest of my life. That's what I feel like I'm doing now and I hate it. His anger seems to be completely random so I never know when something that I consider to be a totally safe topic will set him off.

If he's not angry though, he's neglectful. This is a person that used to genuinely be interested in my life and wanted to talk about how our days went, etc. Now, if I don't text or call him, then we don't talk. Sometimes I've left it alone just to see if he even noticed I'm missing. A few days will go by and he'll finally call asking where I've been. Once he's got the comfort of knowing that I'm ok and nothing's wrong, he goes right back to his shell and barely speaks. It's like he didn't miss me in the sense that he wants to spend time with me and catch up - he just noticed I wasn't present and wanted to make sure nothing happened to me.

I think the neglect hurts me more than the anger. We used to talk about everything. With the help of therapy, do you think he'll ever get to a point of initiating conversations and interactions with me again?

 

[just me here]

I don't know the man, I can't make guesses about how he will be long term. I do know that my wife was never open to marriage counseling, she refused it many times back before I was diagnosed PTSD and we all thought it was just clinical depression. The diagnosis changed everything, now we can both understand it for what it is and she has come to marriage counseling willingly and we have both learned very much.

I can't say what is going to happen for you, hopefully you can get some insight from what has happened for us.

 

[KevinP]

Dandelion,

She is not in counseling at the moment. Immediately after her trauma, she went to a few counselors but stopped because she either ran out sessions on the insurance plan, or felt that the counselor didn't understand her problems. She naturally has problems with authority and thinks that no one can possibly understand her. She knows herself pretty well, so she does a pretty good job telling me what she needs, but sometimes I need help. Major help. When we're in the middle of a meltdown, I just want to scream for help at the top of my lungs because nothing makes sense any more.

PeekieBlue is right about boundaries: Back off when they tell you back off. Don't poke the bear. But that can be very hard, especially when you're deep into a PTSD-induced fight. You want to say the exact things you're not supposed to say. Responsive/active listening is KEY in these moments too. I'm not sure how it is with your man, but most of the time, my fiancee is just fighting to heard. If you tell them you hear them (by repeating and summarizing what they said), you can diffuse a good deal of the problem.

Sounds like you're having a rough time and I really feel for you. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But keep loving. And keep writing here.

 

[Dandelion]

I really do try to back off, but sometimes it's so unexpected that I naturally get inquisitive or defensive before I can stop myself. It's hard not to ask a question or two in those situations. Like the other day, I thought he was just playing around at first. I questioned why he didn't want to talk about it and BOOM!!, there I was in the line of fire.

That's the other thing I can't stand. My needs never got met since I'm expected to just drop everything because it upset him. We can talk about the fact that he was upset, and how I need to back off, etc..........but do I know why he didn't want to take a minute to celebrate a happy occasion with me? Nope. Will he ever let me ask him about it again without getting angry all over again? Nope. Is that occasion pretty much ruined for me now? Yes.

I'm just so tired of all of my needs being dismissed. If I try to talk to him about it, I'm met with more anger - either in the form of him yelling at me for making him feel guilty or yelling at me because he hates counseling and he's only doing it for me. I've tried to express how much I appreciate him finally going, but he doesn't hear me.

Needless to say, I know exactly what you mean when you say you want to scream for help at the top of your lungs because nothing makes sense anymore. I'm right there with you!

 

[99Phoenix99]

To answer you're first question, in my own experience yes it gets severely worse before it gets better. When I first started therapy I became very volatile and retreated into myself for a good solid 6 months. Because even though I was going to therapy on my own volition, it was dredging up too much all too soon. It was like a snowball, one thought led to another, from one memory to another. With my eyes open or closed it just wouldn't stop. It was like a movie reel would play over and over again and there was no stop button. Day and night I would go from perfectly fine to crawling into a ball crying on the drop of a hat.

It was horrible. Nothing helped. And what was worse what that I was scared and confused. Scared because I was so afflicted with fear all the time. Confused because it would come on seemingly at random and I could lash out or retreat before I even knew it. And that in turn made me angry. SO angry that I couldn't control myself. I couldn't understand WHY this was happening to me. Much less could I have explained it to anyone at the time. I just knew I was angry but I couldn't pinpoint at what or why. Everything was muddled and nothing made sense.

It was just an instinct. I didn't think, there was no rationalization it was sheer fight or flight. The best analogy I can give you is this: I couldn't stop myself from lashing out anymore than you could stop yourself from wrenching your hand off a hot burner. It's an instantaneous reaction. It's wired into you to react.

It took me MONTHS to start to get a grasp. It took therapy, it took individual study on my own part, and it took this site to get me to where I am today where I can at least say I can understand WHY I act the way I have. I've definitely diffused but things still set me off I'm still learning.

I think we're just both in the beginning stages of healing and neither of us knows what we're doing

Honestly you've hit the nail on the head. The hardest thing is knowing what to do with all of it. And if he asks for space give him space. It's a hard learning curve. I agree with what KevinP said about active listening. I often feel like I'm being misunderstood, even with my therapist. When someone repeats back what I just said it diffuses me a great deal. Things like "So what you're saying is..." For me at least ever since my PTSD surfaced I've found that vocalizing how I feel is exceedingly difficult. Because what I'm trying to say isn't being processed and is lost in translation when I speak. Writing I can do. Speaking is a completely different story. Certainly I can talk about mundane things, but when it becomes anything remotely personal? I just can't process things correctly.

Sorry if I rambled. Your thread kind of hit close to home.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Dandelion
I understand exactly when you say that sometimes the anger outbursts are so sudden you don't even see it coming.

I also relate completely to what you say about your needs not being met. I feel, after three years of supporting my ex, that I could not cope anymore with the constant giving and getting nothing back. I don,t mean as in attention, love and gifts but the really crucial stuff when it is needed....strength and emotional support from your partner.

Our point of breaking up last week was when I had suddenly hit an all time low after being made to buy the ex out of our new house, raise a lot of money from family and yet after that big let down I still told him I loved him and even though he moved out we still saw each other and I continued to support him emotionally.

If you just keep giving and giving and being let down and let down, you will get to a point where you will have enough. If you get to that point don't feel guilty (I have done but had a good chat with myself). A healthy partnership is a two way street not one way.

99Phoenix99, your words are so honest and they pulled at my heart strings as they reminded me of what I have known all along, my ex never meant to hurt me. His rage and anger is out of his control. Sadly though if one continues to put up with such behaviour (whatever the cause of it) then the carer becomes a victim and ultimately could end up as unwell as the person with ptsd.

Yes show love and more love (as I did) but recognise if and when you have reached breaking point. Your health and happiness is paramount Dandelion.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Just one more thing Dandelion, embrace this forum for support. I don't know what support groups there are for ptsd carers in your area but there are none in mine and I really could have done with one.

If it wasn't for this site and the feedback which helped me to make sense of what the hell was going on I would not have been half as strong as I was in coping with his ptsd and ultimately ending the relationship.

That might sound odd as leaving him could be seen as weak on my part but it took a lot of strength and that strength I gained from this site.

 

[Dandelion]

99Phoenix99 - No, you're not rambling at all. Thank you for your response. It's responses like that that help me tremendously. I'm just looking to understand where he's coming from so that I can get through this too. Unfortunately, he's unable to explain what he's going through right now. This is why I'm here. The more insight I can get, the better I'll understand him. Hopefully, that will help us both heal and move past all this. I appreciate your tips on active listening. Keep 'em coming, anything I can be doing to help diffuse his anger will help us both.

PeekieBlue - Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Please don't think that what you're doing may be seen as weak. It's not at all. You're right, it takes every bit as much strength (if not more) to let go as it does to stay. I feel like the option of leaving is hanging over my head every day. Honestly, if we could see into the future and I were guaranteed that it's never going to get better than this, I would leave. A person can't just spend their life giving and giving and giving with no reciprocation. It's exhausting. And you're right - it's not about gifts and attention, it's about feeling that that person will take care of you as much as you take care of them. Right now, I just look at it like an illness that will heal. As long as he's trying to heal, I'll tough it out and be patient - but if he were to stop going to counseling, that would be a deal breaker. I know it won't happen overnight, but I also know that neither of us can handle this on our own because we don't know how. Hopefully, counseling and support from this site will help lead the way out of this dark hole we've been in for the last couple of years.

 

[PeekieBlue]

I really hope things work out for you Dandelion, therapy is a good start.

Sadly my ex has decided we definitely have no future. I received an email today saying although he still loves me it is all too difficult, too much damage has been done and he is moving on.

I feel sad but have to accept it and get myself together again.

 

[KevinP]

So sorry to hear that PeekieBlue. You're right, the forum is here for you. I hope you find love out there in the world, no matter how difficult.

On another note, I am starting my own therapy today with a PTSD & relationships counsellor. I'll let you know how it goes. I just know that I have to take care of my own built-up stress so that I can better care for my partner.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Thanks KevinP for your kind words.

I really hope the therapy helps you and your relationship. I wish I had perhaps had some therapy during my partners therapy but as none if the professionals involved in his care warned me about how things could get so bad, I didn't think I would need to.

I will be interested to hear how you get on.

Good luck.