Relationship Gets Worse Before It Gets Better?

[Dandelion]

My boyfriend just started therapy and he's even more closed up than before. Is it true that it gets worse before it gets better? I don't know how to handle him right now. His behavior is so irrational and unpredictable. Today he got FURIOUS over the simplest thing and just sent me a text saying he's done for the day, is turning his phone off, and is not feeding into this. I've done nothing wrong and he just cuts me off and slams the door in my face.

Help please!

 

[just me here]

In short, yes. My personal story is one of almost pointless therapy with diagnosis of dysthymia and depression that lasted through almost 2 decades, no better, no worse, just living with a ball of anger inside, living with people that had learned to be cautious and sympathetic and supportive, living one day and it's unexplainably unbearable frustrations at a time.

I knew I had finally found the therapist that was going to help me when the right questions were asked, and the right buttons were pushed, and I had an actual CHANGE in my general mood. It was worse than it had been by a power of 2 or 3, but it was a reaction, an actual effect from therapy after years of nothing but side effects.

The diagnosis was made and the path was charted and I am working through it, already much better than
I had been for so long, but my awareness of how damaged I am is much clearer now. I can see that I will never be "normal", but I will also not feel like this forever, and I have no idea how much better I can become.

You are a lifesaver if you can get this man through the worst of this, an Angel if you stick it out and make his damage a facet of your relationship that you both learn to live with. I am so grateful to my wife, I owe her my life as surely as if she had talked me down from a ledge or thrown me a rope before I drowned.

 

[Dandelion]

Thanks. I'm glad things are changing for you. I hope things are going to change for us as well. I'm just having a difficult time trying to figure out how to act around him. Something that is perfectly fine one day sends him into a rage the next.

I guess it's only natural that he's on such an emotional roller coaster now that his buried feelings are finally being forced to the surface. I try to be patient and not take it personally. It just doesn't help that we're somewhat long distance and a lot of our communication is via phone. This gives him the opportunity to shut me out in the spur of the moment and I'm left just waiting for him to come back on his own, unable to talk to him or understand what's happening.

 

[sol1107]

In my case, I vowed to get myself better. I signed up for PTSDForum before I even made an appointment with a therapist, and I started to slide. It started as frustration with my supporter because I felt she didn't care to learn about PTSD (a cognitive error on my part, come to find out). Then my PCP gave me Welbutrin and OH MAN I lost it. My wife was so terrified of me that I couldn't look her in the eyes. I became paranoid and controlling. I took myself off the meds, called the emotional crisis hotline for veterans, and I was seeing a therapist 2 days later.

Now, I see a therapist every 2 weeks. I have never felt better, and my wife and I are closer than ever, even though we're still getting divorced. It's fine with me, though, because there's so much I have to fix with myself before I try to start over with her.

In short, life as he knew it is crumbling around him. He's confused and scared. He knows things are changing, but with PTSD change equals stress. Things will get much better once he accepts the change.

 

[Dandelion]

Thanks for sharing. I'm trying to understand things from his point of view so that I can react appropriately but it's difficult because it seems his point of view changes by the hour.

The incident that caused the fight was just that it's an anniversary of a special occasion for us. I brought it up and he said, "ah yes!" and just kind of moved past it. I asked if we could talk about it for a minute because it would be nice to reminisce and he said he didn't want to. It struck me as odd because it wasn't like I was bringing up a bad memory or anything. I told him that it would make me happy to just take a minute to acknowledge it and that I didn't understand why it bothered him. Next thing I know, he was FURIOUS, screamed at me, and turned his phone off.

I still don't understand how it got so bad so fast. I sent him a message apologizing for getting him so upset and explained that I'm still learning his triggers and I hope he can be patient with my learning curve. I guess he'll get that message tomorrow when he turns his phone back on.

I really didn't see that coming and I have no idea why he was so resistant to celebrating a happy occasion. I just hope he'll feel better tomorrow and won't be so angry with me.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Hi Dandelion

I feel for you, I really do. From my posts you will see I have had a very trying time with my partner (now ex as of yesterday). He has been doing emdr therapy the last few months and reached the point of almost having a breakdown. We separated and I bought him out of our house we had only just bought together 6 months before. I continued to support him but maintained some distance as it was starting to drag me down. I felt it was a compromise. I wasn't deserting him but at the same time I needed some space. He was also the one who demanded he be bought out of the house as he couldnt handle the financial stress.

Things do get worse before they get better, however when they get better don't fall into the trap that its all over and everything is sudenly rosy. There can be setbacks. I think it is a good thing that there is some distance betwen you as in where you both live. This can give you the much needed space you need in order to look after yourself. You are doing a fantastic job by being on here to learn more about his condition and supporting him.

However, do not let his illness take over your life. I speak from experience here. You need to look after number one and by doing this you are not being selfish you are being sensible. In order to look after others you need to look after yourself (hence why after 3 years of holding my partners hand so to speak I now leave as I thought things were getting better but a very aggressive outburst yesterday was the last straw).

You had no reason to apologise for what recently happened. It is not your responsibility to learn about his triggers. Yes, by all means be aware but ultimately he is the one with the illness and he needs to take responsibility in controlling his triggers. You are not to blame! On a good point, he is doing therapy which is fantastic.

I'm sorry if my message seems harsh but it is really so important not to get dragged down by your partners illness. Please stop apologising and thinking you have caused his trigger outbursts. You must set boundarys early on or he will get used to being able to behave that way and get away with it. I wish I had known all what I know now from this site and my experience, when I first met my man.

To put up with your partners PTSD and stay sane you will have to become quite tough. I really hope your partners therapy helps him. Hang in there and take care x

 

[KevinP]

Hi Dandelion,

I totally hear you about the whiplash feeling when things can go from nice to horrible with the simple turn of a phrase. I am experiencing that on a weekly basis these days as the stress of our wedding planning is bringing on more and more symptoms. We can't seem to get through a serious planning session without crying. Her mood is so precariously balanced between stable and complete depression paralysis that one (seemingly) minor thing can throw her off for a week. I know that my own stress is contributing to the problem, but it's so hard because I feel like I'm not allowed to show stress lest it set her off into a PTSD vortex.

Your post caught my eye because I'm wondering the same thing: Does it get worse before it gets better? In my own experience with my fiancee - we've been together 4 years - there is no "better." That's one thing that comes out in our fights over and over. I am such a solutions-based thinker and I always want to solve the problem, but that path of reasoning always makes things worse. She will never be "fixed." As hard as it is to admit, there is no end to PTSD. It is always going to be with her. AND THAT IS SO CRAZY HARD TO LIVE WITH. I am not just marrying her, but marrying her PTSD too.

PeekieBlue's tough love is right on though. "To put up with your partners PTSD and stay sane you will have to become quite tough."

It's true, you will need a thicker skin to deal with a PTSD partner. But I'm saying this to myself too. I am total softie! It's the hardest thing in the world not to take her moods personally, especially when she dishes out harsh criticism on something that I know is my fault. I get defensive and pouty. I turn it all in on myself because I feel like I'm causing her harm...but none of that helps her when in the grips of a PTSD attack. You just have to give LOVE LOVE LOVE. That's it.

Remember, his moods aren't in his control. There is no logic. I wish I could offer better advice, but I'm also seeking guidance here.

Take time to manage your stress. That's something I'm trying to work on too. It is true that you can't help anyone until you help yourself. I'm new here, but these forums seem like a good place to start sharing. It's helping me at least, just to vent. Thanks for listening.

 

[Dandelion]

I'm sorry if my message seems harsh but it is really so important not to get dragged down by your partners illness. Please stop apologising and thinking you have caused his trigger outbursts. You must set boundarys early on or he will get used to being able to behave that way and get away with it. I wish I had known all what I know now from this site and my experience, when I first met my man.

This the part I need definitely need some guidance on - setting boundaries. I'm stuck between standing up for myself and angering him even more. When he was getting so angry yesterday I told him that I didn't understand why he was so mad and didn't feel I'd done anything wrong. That lead to him just cutting me off completely.

I made it clear that I was apologizing not for what I did, but that it made him so upset. We talked this morning and he said that I was trying to force him to react differently to make myself more comfortable and that made him angry. I told him that I was indeed looking for comfort because he was behaving so out of character and it was leading me to believe something was wrong. He said that I needed to back off when he gets mad like that. I told him that I could try, but the problem is that it usually goes from 0 to 150 before I even know he's angry. I explained that from my side of things, something perfectly acceptable one day suddenly isn't the next and I'm not going to be able to know which days are the bad ones if he doesn't communicate it. He says he'll try.

I think we're just both in the beginning stages of healing and neither of us knows what we're doing. I've obviously joined this forum in an effort to understand and started reading some ptsd books as well. The thing is, this behavior actually started a long time ago and I had no clue what was going on. He went from being my best friend that talked to me constantly and craved my attention to a person that barely speaks at all. It's taken a lot of time, arguments, and observation to figure out it was ptsd. Now that we know, I feel like there's a whole new set of rules to learn.

 

[Dandelion]

KevinP,

I know exactly what you mean about being a solutions based thinker. I'm the same way. If there's a conflict, I want to resolve it and move past it, but talking about it only seems to make him angrier. As much as it kills me to wait, he really does seem to do better if he has time to cool off and then he's able to talk about things a little. I just hate it because by the time a fight has happened, he's stormed off and abandoned me for hours, and then we finally sit down to talk about it, I'm traumatized and afraid I'll say something that'll make him storm off again. It's a vicious cycle.

It sounds like you're experiencing the same roller coaster I do. Is your fiance in counseling as well?

 

[PeekieBlue]

The setting of boundaries is a tough one as I totally relate to what you say about this could anger him even more.

What is the alternative though? Walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?

The only person who can make your partner get better is him. By setting boundaries you are merely letting him know that how he is behaving is unacceptable to you. If he chooses to work on it and keep getting help to cope with his ptsd then you have a future. Sadly if he doesn't then in my mind he is not the one for you as if you love someone you should want to make them happy and even though your partner has an illness there are still ways to try to stop the anger.

Sadly my partner in my mind does not realise how bad his ptsd is and how much more work he needs to do. Unfortunately his anger overstepped a boundary big time two days ago and I said enough is enough. He will either seek further help or he won't. That really will be the answer as to whether we ever might have a future.

Sadly I don't think this will happen but life is short and although we had good times the bad started to outweigh the good. If this happens you need to really dig deep and seriously think about how you want to live your life.

Stay strong and put yourself first. If it's meant to work out it will and if it doesn't, you will cope x

 

[PeekieBlue]

One thing I would add. If he tells you to back off then do so. At that point his stress level has probably reached breaking point and backing off and giving him time to calm down would be the best thing for both of you.

 

[just me here]

Thats good advice. Sometimes I need my wifes help so much it hurts, sometimes I know there is no helping me and letting me sit and marinate in my own sauce for awhile is the only route to a peaceful evening.

I had to learn how to deal with a whole new understanding of my disorder when I was diagnosed, it is hard to explain.

Imagine having a bookshelf in your head with books that you have already read and didn't like but can't get rid of. He is being forced to pull down some of those old books and dust them off and reread them.

For many years I stopped myself from reaching for those books, letting them sit and carrying their weight with me everywhere I went. Now I go to therapy every week and dust off old books. I went this morning and right now I am trying to stay clear of any kind of interaction with my wife that could lead to anything more than the mundane. I am feeling surges of adrenaline from reliving a very bad memory, it isn't my favorite night tonight.

I just found out our car insurance is going up 30 bucks a month, but we aren't going to talk about it tonight. I have someone on the way here to purchase some stuff I know she would rather hang onto with the idea that a grandchild might want it in maybe 12-15 years, she isn't going to argue the point with me, not tonight. We are keeping things superficial, she asked me how therapy went and I told her it sucked and we won't talk about it again till tomorrow or maybe the next day, maybe never.

It's a give and take, there is a lot to learn for anyone on either side of any relationship, PTSD makes it tough but most definitely not impossible.