Getting Pregnant While Dealing With Ptsd

[falling_wave]

I would like to get some thoughts on getting pregnant with PTSD. Clearly taking most meds would be an issue and I worry about prenatal stress and the mental health of the baby. I also worry about genetics passing down my predisposition to emotional pain. I also want to make sure that I give my baby 100% and do not depend on my baby for love, belonging, etc. Everyone says I would make a great mom and I have a lot of experience with babies and children. I want to get pregnant so bad but there is so much to consider. What do you all think? Have you had experience making these decisions and if so how did you make them and how did things turn out etc?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, first of all, I never pictured myself having children, nor did I like babysitting. I have two adult children and having them gave me an identity that wasine, all mine. No one stole it, beat it out of me, or steal it from me.
I loved everything about being pregnant. This was good because for twice in my life I ate well and took good care of myself. I tried not to project my abuse history onto them. It was easy, I just loved them so much. I had a great book, "Your baby and Child-birth to age five" by Penelope Leach, an English child development expert. Since my own mother had disowned me at my first pregnancy and she was fond of throwing me under the bus, I vowed to never take any advice she had. It was pretty wild and abusive. The book taught me how to be a good Mom.
I will admit that I had emotional difficulties when my daughter would be the same age as I was when I was molested. I'd get pretty messed up sometimes. They always and still inspire me to be a better person and to find love and compassion. I am happy to report that they went to excellent colleges, got jobs right after graduating, have wonderful partners and friends. They are just plain happy.

 

[ms spock]

I am against people getting pregnant whilst they have unmanaged symptoms of PTSD, active addiction or untreated mental health disorders. I am very against women getting pregnant when they are in a domestic violence situation.

The epigenetics surrounding the passing down the vulnerability to emotional problems is worth following up.

I have seen too many have children and I saw how the children were treated, and the abuse they grew up with.

Most PTSD parents, I know, who were sexually abused as children, also have children who were sexually abused as well. It makes sense right? You were never protected so how do you know how to read the red flags?

Being aware not to use the child to meet your needs is good awareness. What do you have in place to not do this?

Being stable emotionally, not dependent on others, effectively managing your PTSD symptoms, having a good network of support, a job, living situation needs to be in place for three years before you think about having a child in my opinion.

 

[Nam]

Two of my kids were born prior to diagnosis. I had a planned pregnancy 3 years after my diagnosis. First year after the diagnosis was tough. Then things got easier. I'm not saying that my pregnancy was a breeze. I have several posts on here describing my stress level about the upcoming birth. I weaned off of the depression meds (I was not on anti-anxiety meds at that time.) slowly before his birth. At the time, it was better for me to stay on the meds during pregnancy. I believe it was a class C, which at that time was from lack of study. They did know how much of the drug was in breast milk and it was too much for my doctor. So I stayed off of it until my son was 4 months old. At that point, I needed to get back on.

I'm a firm believer in the attachment style of parenting. I believe that if needs are not met in the first two years of life when children have not yet started to reason, they are emotionally stunted. There are many articles and books about that now. All my kids are thriving now, but I have not been too symptomatic. My oldest got the most of the badness. She is still, at the age of 12, anxious and very cautious. She was 2 when I was diagnosed. We have her in therapy to work through those feelings.

I did not have any doubt when I was trying for #3 or #4. My first two just happened. The fact that you are thinking about this before hand is excellent. Make sure your support system is in place before starting; significant other, friends, midwife, doctors, psychiatrists, and therapist. Call on them when needed.

Parenting is hard. It doesn't matter what you have or who you are. All parents get frustrated, angry, and out of control even. Have a plan in place for when that happens. Count to ten, go outside, take 10 deep breaths, anything except hurting your child in anyway emotionally or physically. And when you need a break, get help. A happy parent is a good parent.

I think you can be a great parent even with PTSD. They keep you grounded. They close the gap between your feelings and thoughts. They can teach you more about yourself. They are like mirrors. If you love them, they will love you. It's okay to get attached. In fact that's good! It's okay to feel all those feelings.

The forum is here when certain things come up. I know that I've wanted to post about how sometimes I just get so mad when my kids are so flippant about the wonderful world they are growing up in. I'm jealous of their childhood. They are getting what I didn't. But the flipside of that is that they are happy and thriving. All things a mother would like for her child.

Just a disclaimer: Certain times, the PTSD seems to rear it's ugly head (especially if you have a history of childhood sexual abuse).

The first one is pregnancy. The same sensations, the lack of control, high emotions...they are all triggers. Birth can be traumatizing if you are not given control. I urge you to search for a health care provider that is willing for you to control your surroundings as much as you can.

The second is when your child reaches the age that your own abuse started. Depending on how well you are doing with your trauma work, you can experience a relapse. I'm in that phase at the moment. My youngest is right at the age that it started. But I'm handling it just fine. There are some nightmares, anxiety, and a few flashbacks. But all manageable.

 

[falling_wave]

Thanks @Nam for your insight having gone through this. I understand the others opinions that you shouldn't have children while symptomatic but I don't want to continue to be victimized by not having a family and following my dreams. I feel like at this point I can put my all into finding the right way, getting help when needed, and you said it right being grounded. A child would bring so much love and purpose into my life and I feel like the times when I do have those things my symptoms greatly decrease. I want to learn now and get prepared for the struggles and challenges because I know they will happen and I want to know how to manage and not avoid. Anyone else who has tips and suggestions so I can prepare in the right way I would appreciate it. I also really love attachment theory. That I can do. I can give them unconditional love and support.

 

[ghotiff]

The first one is pregnancy. The same sensations, the lack of control, high emotions...they are all triggers. Birth can be traumatizing if you are not given control. I urge you to search for a health care provider that is willing for you to control your surroundings as much as you can.

Absolutely agree with this. My first pregnancy was incredibly difficult for these reasons.
Consider a Caesarian if sexual abuse is your history and you have relevant issues.

The second is when your child reaches the age that your own abuse started

For me it was not when the abuse started, but a when my eldest hit a critical age in my abuse history.

I didn't know about PTSD when I had my kids, but I knew my history would make it difficult.

I will never know if I have done (or am doing) a good job. I don't how one can ever be sure. My mothers denial of my childhood fills me with doubts about my parenting. But, I love my kids and I'm glad I'm a parent.

I hope my story helps somehow.

 

[Friday]

I got pregnant whilst on 3 forms of birth control (pills, condoms, & spermicide). Okay, miracle-baby, here we go!!! So I didn't have the early decisions. But as far as how have things turned out?

Pregnancy was rough. I get antepartum depression (come to find!) which is like PPD but while you're pregnant. Upside is that the moment they're born, everything starts going back to normal. Huzzah! Felt better and better literally every single day. Downside is that I was literally suicidal (not ideatiation... But literally loading onto the chairs seat so I wouldn't get up, and screaming from the pain of it... And sometimes simply cuffing myself to the radiator. Hint, if you're gonna do that, do it in the bathroom! Pregnancy makes for a small bladder) for apx 6 months for 1-3 hours every day. Upside was that I really learned to wait suicidality out. Hormone driven, it really was like a light switch being turned on & off. So, after the first couple, I knew all I had to do was wait. My then-husband was at work, or out with friends during these hours so It didn't affect anyone else.

I never wanted kids. I've always lived a fairly dangerous lifestyle, mostly working in war zones, & countries in transition, and kids didn't fit into that. After my son was born I realized I wanted 10! 5 minimum. Since being pregnant was a nightmare for me I looked into clomid & other fertility drugs to shoot for twins and triplets. PPD & ante tend to run in families, so my mom & aunties are all familiar with "the suicide hours" & volunteered for babysitting duty during those months. (Come to find there are antidepressants safe for pregnancy, but they didn't know, and because this is common in my fam I didn't think to tell my OB, she found out after my son was born). Yep. I really was serious about having a whole thundering house full of kids.

The sticky wicket was that I realized my then-husband should be nobody's father within the first year of my son's life. I already wished he wasn't my son's father, and I refused to do that to any more kids. At the time he was a fairly decent husband, just a bad father. It wasn't until later he also turned into a terrible husband.

I was apx 92% sane during these years / they were part of my 10 good ones. The other 8%? Looooooved being a mom. I got to seriously put my symptoms to work for me. From up around the clock (night feedings, illnesses, etc.), to being used to high functioning during sleep dep, to hypervig, to 10,000 projects, to emotional monitoring and regulation (my son also turned out to be ADHD, like me, so that means intense emotions, and teaching the control of them... Carrots not sticks)... Everything just worked. And worked really, really well. Especially during the years that most people struggle with the most (first year & terrible 3s). It wasn't easy, parenting is never easy, but I had a hell of an advantage over most of my friends... And PTSD gave me those advantages.

I did occasionally have the thundering house: 3-5 ADHD kids (I did kinship care for a few years: my then-husband is a far worse parent than my then-sisters-in-law, but unlike her, he was almost never around... The courts found that in 9 years he'd only been physically in my son's life for about a month.). Loved. It. So much fun!!! Even if "Don't ride the dog!" Ended up being something repeated almost daily. Cornflake snow angels in the kitchen. Learning the alphabet with shaving cream on sliding glass doors. Mopping the floor by strapping sponges to all of our feet & "skating". Beautiful chaos. Systems for our systems (every additional kid points out all the glaring holes in previously well working systems, and forces you to fine tune. With a forklift, from time to time.) I absolutely looooooved being a parent. I even homeschooled for 5 years, which is like parenting on steroids (homeschooling is easy, parenting is hard). I was super happy. Even when I was tired, wrung out, frustrated... I was super happy. <Chuckling> And my house has never been cleaner! 1 kid or 5, the mess is spring loaded. Serious Kaboom! messes each and every single day. In order to beat the mess back with a stick, that means a lot of upkeep. Daily, weekly, seasonally, and annually. It's bizarre... I haven't washed my walls in 2 years, and that used to be a quarterly chore. My floors used to be a daily one. Sure, things may look cleaner now... But I guarantee they were cleaner then. Then it was just daily clutter on top of clean everything. Now? There's weeks (months & years) between things in my house getting thoroughly scrubbed. Shrug.

I hit a few PTSD bumps, but it was all minor turbulence. I didn't have my second PTSD tailspin until after I divorced & my now-ex got half custody ($1000 attorneys... Can get you custody even when the courts find you abusive & neglectful & can ban you from being within 100yds of anywhere kids are present because you're such a danger to them :rolleyes: #HateOurJusticeSystem). I can usually keep it together when I have my son, even now. But it's not a lot of time. A few hours in the evening between school and bedtime? Meh. No worries. Really, I'm more of a visitor & sometime mentor in his life than a parent. That may be true in teen years, anyway. I wouldn't really know.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It's so easy to romanticize motherhood, as well it should be. To be that close to a newborn is mind blowing, especially Breast feeding.
You have to be prepared for those souls to have a different path than what you might fantasize about. My son is dyslexic, I had to move heaven and earth to get him the services he needed and deserved. I am not a fan of public education. Move to a town that has award winning schools and if your gut tells you your child is struggling, believe it with all your might. Dig in your heels and don't let go. I hired an advocate to fight the assholes at school which freed me up to simply love him and find experiences for him (like learning to fly) that boosted his self esteem. We skied a lot if you live near mountains it's a must. And the time just flew like a snap of the fingers. Love, compassion, patience and a wicked good sense of humor- you'll need these characteristics in spades. Even if you are not religious it helps to expose them to the spiritual realms. Simply being gifted in some way can be a spiritual experience.
I didn't get a diagnosis of PTSD until I was in my 40's. I always knew I was damaged by sexual abuse but my intellect has always gotten me through the rough parts. You know we all have different identities and being a mother, for me, is my favorite. And by the way, we lived in the woods without running water for their first seven years. They were incubated in peace and tranquility and it so prepared them for a rich creative life. Having been abused did not make me incompetent. Quite the opposite. I'm haunted by my past but I lived in the present where their needs were concerned. I always had therapists helping me with the things that were difficult for me. Mothering is THE work of the world. As Friday pointed out, the men can be a real disappointment but I've never thought of them as anything but bystanders anyway. My husband helped cook but he never read to them or played catch or built forts. I built the swing set alone. Kicked him to the curb as soon as my son got his drivers license-didn't want them to miss out on after school activities while I was at work!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think the big part of your post that you are leaving out is that you either aren't with a partner right now or you aren't living with him/her. What happens when you have a resurgence in symptoms? You don't have a partner to turn to in order to lessen your load. I think that in the case of PTSD, it really IS optimal to have two parents in the home. (I'm NOT ragging on single parents, but c'mon, we all know how bad our symptoms can get.....we all have been at a point of being non-functional at times.)

You need to figure out a support system that is not just you. I also agree with @Ms Spock in that you should have a stable living arrangement and be settled into that arrangement before having kids. Right now you are living with a friend who seems to be a bit toxic and controlling at times.

So no, I don't think that right now is the time for a child. I think it is something to plan for in the future, but not right now.

 

[Friday]

Strong 2nd to @KwanYingirl on being careful about romanticizing. I strongly suggest going over to some parenting forums to read a few hundred of in-the-trenches posts. Almost as good a form of birth control as a kids birthday party ;). Seriously good information, though, and not the stuff you'll see in magazines.

@Solara is a good reminder about logistics.

From a pragmatic point of view... Having no idea how much you make (if you're independently wealthy, just skip to the next post!)... Some things a lot of people forget to look at (I don't know why, but for some reason when people hear 'Kids are expensive' they think stuff. A $500 car seat you can use for 5 years ain't even a drop in the bucket. Xmas & birthday gifts? Hah. That's cake compared to daily cost of living) :

- Make sure you can afford to work!*** In my city most SAHPs aren't stay at home parents by choice, but because the cost of daycare is more than one person makes in the early years, and sometimes bites into the second salary, as well. 50hours a week of daycare (full time for a 9 hour workday plus commute) in my area is $1600-$2500 per child per month at the low end / McChildcare. Prices drop a little once they're potty trained. AuPairs & LiveIn Nannies are increasingly popular, because it's generally a straight 2k per month + room/board regardless of the number of kids you have. Preschool can raise or lower the cost depending on tuition. Ditto Private k12 (most around here range from 10k per year to 35k per year). Public K12 school is a financial blessing. It's only an average of $800-$1000 a month for YMCA before&after school care. These prices are pretty standard in most big cities on both coasts, although there is some fluctuation. In the Midwest & small towns costs tend to be lower, but so is most median income.

- Diapers & formula. You may intend to breast feed & cannot (for a wide variety of reasons). Formula can cost as much as $20 a day, although you may luck out and either be able to nurse & pump, or have a baby who doesn't get ill on el cheapo formula. I got mastitis at 9mo, and had a kid who didn't need nutrimigen (thank god) but whose formula costs were at the $20 a day level. That's another $600 a month. Diapers are easily $50-$100 a week whether you use disposables or a service. Looooooved potty training. It was like hearing money! Cha-Ching!

*** In a lot of cities the trending is becoming
- School & casual dating in your 20s
- Work & serious dating in your 30s
- Marriage & starting a family in your 40s

In my son's 1500 child elementary school? I was the only parent in my 20s. There were less than a dozen parents still in their 30s. Most were in their 40s & 50s. In the innercity & more rural areas people are still having children in their 20s, but it's becoming increasingly rare.

LOL one of those quirky things about being on an active parenting forum is that there'd occasionally be a post about being an "older" parent. Almost universally these were people from Utah or rural-Midwest. Even on a nationwide parenting forum with tens of thousands of respondents, and several hundred regular contributors, the average age for birth of first child? 38-42. <chuckling> a lot of the time the "older" parent was only 30. It was real for them in their area, just a but of an "Oh!" Moment when everyone chiming in was is their 40s & 50s sayin, "Hon, you're still a baby!" So if you're under 40 & freaking about time? Know that the trend is waiting until you're secure, set up, and have a life to add a child to, instead of figuring out what you're going to sacrifice this month! There are ways to do it on a shoestring budget... I did, lots do. But it's smart to wait. Saves a lot of struggle.