Thinkingman85
Gold Member
Hello. Before I ask the question, here's my story...
I lost my mother to a brain anyeurism, which she had on Thanksgiving day, when I was 15. For a week, I witnessed her on life support (tube in skull, respirator tube in throat, colonostomy bag, catheter). When I was 17, I woke up and saw my father dead on his bed after suffering a massive heart attack during the night. His body was a dark blue/purple color and blood was dripping from his ears, nose, and mouth.
I am comfortable with who I am. However, suffering is immense when I am being myself. If I fake who I am, I have to bury the memory of my parents', which hasn't been successful thus far. I don't want to be fake anyway. How I concentrate, converse, organize my day, create, etc, is by being attached to the pain of my father's death. I am not trying to forget my father's death, but the memory should not affect my functioning in a negative way. For example, I'll feel mentally drained at the end of the day because much of my time was bearing the pain of my father's death. Also, I don't get a normal night of sleep because my brain remains in a heightened state. I have processed my mother's death and am not affected negatively. This pain has blocked me in getting many things accomplished even though I am looking forward to doing many things in my life. It's like I'm in a marathon race and I have a cramp that won't go away, but I'm still running because I want to and have to. How can I get rid of this "mental cramp". I know that the pain can go away, but I don't know when it will. BTW, meds won't work. I was on Wellbutrin, Xanax, Buspar, and Adderall. None of them worked. Also, I saw a psychiatrist, but to no avail. Love hasn't even gotten rid of it. There has to be a cure.
Also, has anyone been through something as devastating as me? To be able to connect with people who have suffered as much as me may give me hope.
I lost my mother to a brain anyeurism, which she had on Thanksgiving day, when I was 15. For a week, I witnessed her on life support (tube in skull, respirator tube in throat, colonostomy bag, catheter). When I was 17, I woke up and saw my father dead on his bed after suffering a massive heart attack during the night. His body was a dark blue/purple color and blood was dripping from his ears, nose, and mouth.
I am comfortable with who I am. However, suffering is immense when I am being myself. If I fake who I am, I have to bury the memory of my parents', which hasn't been successful thus far. I don't want to be fake anyway. How I concentrate, converse, organize my day, create, etc, is by being attached to the pain of my father's death. I am not trying to forget my father's death, but the memory should not affect my functioning in a negative way. For example, I'll feel mentally drained at the end of the day because much of my time was bearing the pain of my father's death. Also, I don't get a normal night of sleep because my brain remains in a heightened state. I have processed my mother's death and am not affected negatively. This pain has blocked me in getting many things accomplished even though I am looking forward to doing many things in my life. It's like I'm in a marathon race and I have a cramp that won't go away, but I'm still running because I want to and have to. How can I get rid of this "mental cramp". I know that the pain can go away, but I don't know when it will. BTW, meds won't work. I was on Wellbutrin, Xanax, Buspar, and Adderall. None of them worked. Also, I saw a psychiatrist, but to no avail. Love hasn't even gotten rid of it. There has to be a cure.
Also, has anyone been through something as devastating as me? To be able to connect with people who have suffered as much as me may give me hope.
