Unfocused Mental Pain-do You Have It?

[Kim500]

It seems that almost every evening I go through something which I think is weird and I call it mental pain. Things will seem to be going ok and then all of a sudden I'm filled with pain that is not physical. I just hurt in my mind and say "Ow!" over and over a lot. It hurts so bad that it's hard to do anything when I feel like this. The only cures I have so far is to go lay on my bed until I fall asleep or lay on my bed and read. Reading seems to switch my mind to another thought track and off the pain track. The pain is weird because it's not like I am thinking about anything distressing when it comes upon me or during it. It's just pain not focused on anything specific.

In my case, I have a theory but I'm not sure if it's correct. Since I believe I hold repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse in my mind, I think my subconscious, while still not letting me in on the "secret", is full of pain, which leaks out and I consciously experience it.

Have you experienced this kind of unfocused pain?? If you have, please share your thoughts! :)

 

[Kim500]

Or maybe it's just that since it takes everything I've got to make it through each day, it's my mind's way of saying that I can't endure any more for the day and makes sure that I stop and rest by giving me pain. (A powerful message from my brain to protect me from having a breakdown.) That makes sense too because pain is supposed to alert you that something is wrong. Hmmmm...just writing that was weird because I'm so used to it I never really considered that something was "wrong" with it.

 

[Venusian]

There are times when this happens to me. For a long time I didn't know what they were. I had repressed most of the trauma that happened to me for over 40 years but once the memories came back a lot of what I experienced growing up began to make sense. I think what you may be experiencing is a form of flashback. Flashbacks are not always visual, they can be auditory, emotional, any type of sensory flashback.

There are a lot of threads on here that can explain it much better but the hardest part is not knowing what it is you are looking for. I hope this helps.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I agree with Venusian. Take good care of yourself. I am glad that reading helps you. I am always glad for something that works to relieve the pain. Hugs.

 

[Kim500]

I think what you may be experiencing is a form of flashback. Flashbacks are not always visual, they can be auditory, emotional, any type of sensory flashback.

Wow! That definitely helps! I didn't know that flashbacks could be anything other than a picture suddenly put upon the screen of your mind! I will definitely have to read threads here about flashbacks so thank you!!! I think I understand what you mean about repressing trauma for over 40 years because I'm 43 now and still basically in the dark but I KNOW something is there because of all the signs and hints I get from my mind about it. I desperately want things to make sense but I know not to force it but let it come naturally.

I have such a feeling that if I remember what happened to me, that I will understand WHY I am the way I am. I feel like KNOWING will enable me to have compassion for myself because I will know the reasons I have these problems and will see myself as hurt because of them, not that I am and always was a bad and twisted person. One example is that as long as I can remember I knew I could never have children because I KNEW I would sexually abuse them. Why??? I feel it's just a deep knowing that I would become an abuser because I was abused. I don't have any children. I went off-topic! Oops! Thank you so much for sharing! I'll have to write that bit in my Trauma Diary.

 

[Kim500]

Hi, I agree with Venusian. Take good care of yourself. I am glad that reading helps you. I am always glad for something that works to relieve the pain. Hugs.

Thank you so much for your support dear gizmo! :hug:

 

[Rumors]

I feel you, Kim. I try and stay busy until it is time to go to sleep bc of the same feelings. It is overwhelming at times. I go until I can't anymore so I can avoid those feelings. It is painful. :(

 

[Kim500]

Rumors, thank you so much for sharing. It is so painful! :inpain: I wish you did not have to suffer this kind of pain, but it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this....

 

[Kim500]

Thank you gizmo and Venusian for 'liking' my post where I mentioned how I knew I could never have children for fear that I would abuse them. I really NEEDED someone to give it a 'like' because if someone didn't, I would have felt ostracized and that what I wrote was so horrible that no one would stand by me and add their support. So it means more to me than I can express...

It's the first time I ever shared that.

 

[Venusian]

Kim, I am sad that whatever happened made you feel that way but I do applaud you for recognizing it and doing what you could to stop the abuse before it actually happened. Being abused does not always mean that you, yourself will become an abuser even if there is so much evidence that it is prevalent among abusers. I think it shows how strong you are for stopping the cycle.

I have 3 children that have never abused nor was I ever scared that I would abuse them but I never liked looking after other people's children. It made me nervous that I would do something wrong, I never did though. I have never shared that with anyone either.

 

[Kim500]

Venusian, thank you so much for sharing that. I am sure that other people will relate to it and be glad that someone expressed it so they know they are not alone, including me! I think a lot of our fears are probably common to those who have suffered abuse.

I actually never questioned why I believed that I would be an abuser(it makes me ill to write that). I thought it was just "who I was" because for years it never even occurred to me that I might have been abused myself! Thank you for applauding me for ending the cycle because I know I did. When I was in my early teens I was babysitting for a little boy. I touched him for a second with my finger where I shouldn't have. It was over his pajamas. I pray to God he doesn't remember it or that he didn't even notice it.

The only people I ever told that to was to a priest in confession because I needed forgiveness from God for that sin, and to a boyfriend who made me feel a LOT better because he told me I was a kid myself when it happened so it wasn't like I did it as an adult. I never did anything like that ever again. It's really sad because I have a strong maternal instinct but it's been twisted.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You learned and changed and that makes you a pretty good person. If you are aware of something you are afraid you will do, odds are that you will not do them. It is when we are unaware that we get in trouble with ourselves. I wish you the very best. Hugs.