Getting stuck in sexual routines because that's the only safe thing to do

[Freddyt]

Can I ask how you (or anyone who is happy to answer) how you broached the subject in therapy with your T before? I can't quite visualise how that goes.

In whatever way makes you comfortable talking about it. As long as you understand what the other is saying it will work.

 

[beaneeboo]

"I would like to talk about X, but I find the subject overwhelming and would like to dip into this really slow."

"I'm worried that as I learn to trust you, sexual feelings will come up, and I don't understand how we can have a safe relationship."

It's important to go very slow and to understand how your therapist works and maintains your safety in his office. (Different therapists have different approaches.) Maybe to start, don't even dive into any sexuality, but do talk about safe boundaries.

It's not just sexuality where this comes up. A therapist can become that person who never hit you, the parent who holds you in a way that you were never held, the man who treats you with dignity.

Thanks Wendell... I guess whatever happens the words need to come out of my mouth ... I think I would feel bad suggesting I don't trust him on that level... the problem is 100% in me and I wouldn't want to offend.. but i get what you're saying..a good therapist would be able to handle any of that and not let themselves get personally affected by what I bring.... I'll give it some thought..I don't think this will arise right now but in time it might... certain questions he may ask may lead to all this... maybe having a sentence already prepared for if he goes there unexpectedly in convo? That's when I'm most likely to dissociate

 

[maddiebtw]

I relate to this a lot. I used to dissociate a lot during sex and it took me a while to even just be present in the moment. A big help in this process for me was having a partner who is patient and understanding, even when I can't explain why I'm having problems, but I still feel guilty whenever I flinch from being touched or have to tell her that I'm too overwhelmed to do anything that night. It is worth mentioning that we've been navigating these issues for 6 years without much external guidance, and things have substantially improved just with patience and *communication*. If you're both genuinely committed to meeting each other's needs and are able to clearly and confidently set boundaries with each other, then things can improve, though it may just take time 🤷‍♀️ (I'm sorry if that's not super helpful, just try not to lose hope)

 

[beaneeboo]

I relate to this a lot. I used to dissociate a lot during sex and it took me a while to even just be present in the moment. A big help in this process for me was having a partner who is patient and understanding, even when I can't explain why I'm having problems, but I still feel guilty whenever I flinch from being touched or have to tell her that I'm too overwhelmed to do anything that night. It is worth mentioning that we've been navigating these issues for 6 years without much external guidance, and things have substantially improved just with patience and *communication*. If you're both genuinely committed to meeting each other's needs and are able to clearly and confidently set boundaries with each other, then things can improve, though it may just take time 🤷‍♀️ (I'm sorry if that's not super helpful, just try not to lose hope)

Thank you for sharing...

It is helpful... that's great that you've done such good work together and without outside help. Sounds very natural 🙂

I'm lucky to sort of (be) in a loving relationship. The boundaries thing has been an issue for me internally. I've not been able to speak up until fairly recently about not wanting to/ being up for it but that wasn't coming from him. Weve built a strong spiritual connection simultaneously to me having deep trust issues (I am learning my parts are probably more defined than just being conceptual so the two experiences can do go hand in hand).

It's taken years to realise that the mistrust probably wasnt coming from anything he did (I feel guilty that I wasn't able to say anything about this to him. But really difficult to explain even after years of being intimate there's still a part of me which doesn't trust. Let alone about parts i don't fully understand. So I haven't communicated that fully).

But recently I'm trusting more and more and he has let me know i don't need to be sexual with him if I don't want to be. Which is amazing. I just need to find my voice in the moment to express that if I don't. But often it starts from not knowing if I do or I don't (this is where alot of the problem is). And if I think I probably therefore shouldn't, I literally can't speak up - even if he asks (sounds pathetic I know). He's really intuitive though so sometimes he's picks up on that and I'm learning that if I ever were to say stop that he would. So I know I'm lucky.

Think you hit the nail on the head when you say as long as we can clearly set boundaries with each other. Basically he can (although never needs to) and I can't consistently but I'm learning i need to work on this.

My bigger question is whether I should tell him about everything which is going on in the background in my head to be really transparent. Or do my own work silently. That's a bigger piece of work though!

Thank you for your in put!

 

[maddiebtw]

But recently I'm trusting more and more and he has let me know i don't need to be sexual with him if I don't want to be. Which is amazing. I just need to find my voice in the moment to express that if I don't. But often it starts from not knowing if I do or I don't (this is where alot of the problem is). And if I think I probably therefore shouldn't, I literally can't speak up - even if he asks (sounds pathetic I know). He's really intuitive though so sometimes he's picks up on that and I'm learning that if I ever were to say stop that he would. So I know I'm lucky.

My bigger question is whether I should tell him about everything which is going on in the background in my head to be really transparent. Or do my own work silently. That's a bigger piece of work though!

It sounds like you have a pretty healthy relationship and an understanding partner. Congrats!

I don't want to make specific prescriptions because I don't really know your situation and it's not really my place anyway. One general piece of advice that I've found helpful is that, we don't often have control over what influences are present in our relationships, but we do have control over whether those influences exert themselves explicitly or implicitly. Basically, lots of invisible social and psychological forces guide our actions, and awareness of those forces can help us to make choices about how to navigate their plural pushes and pulls. That being said, awareness of these forces doesn't really require a detailed knowledge of their causes if that makes any sense?

 

[beaneeboo]

It sounds like you have a pretty healthy relationship and an understanding partner. Congrats!

I don't want to make specific prescriptions because I don't really know your situation and it's not really my place anyway. One general piece of advice that I've found helpful is that, we don't often have control over what influences are present in our relationships, but we do have control over whether those influences exert themselves explicitly or implicitly. Basically, lots of invisible social and psychological forces guide our actions, and awareness of those forces can help us to make choices about how to navigate their plural pushes and pulls. That being said, awareness of these forces doesn't really require a detailed knowledge of their causes if that makes any sense?

Thank you maddest... am trying to digest what you're saying to understand... Will chew it over!