Getting Used To Being Alone

[Chincho]

I'm fairly new to the forum and I must say that I feel like I found "my place in the world".

I've been reading around and it seems as if sooner or later everyone ends up alone, or almost alone. I also read that it seems to be the preferred way to go. Only some friends or family stay.

I was diagnosed a few months back and I find myself more and more alone. Some days that feels just fine, but other days it doesn't. It's like I tend to push my friends and even my family away with my behavior sometimes. Some of my reactions scare even myself.

If I think it through, I don't know if I'd like to be my friend.

I was wondering, when does it stop hurting? Because some days it feels okay, but there are days like today when I miss my friends a lot, and it hurts like h*ll.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think its a common misconception that people who isolate themselves don't care or love the people they isolate from.

I'm very isolated, but the times I've moved away from friends have been times when symptoms have been too much and I've not been able to communicate whats going on in my mind. So the choice has often been between the friend or trying to get a handle on the symptoms.

I cried for a long time over lost friends and not knowing why I was doing it. I don't know if its time passing or me having a better understanding of whats wrong with me, but its much easier now.

Not everybody isolates themselves. And when I did it, I didn't know I had ptsd so it was the only way I could think of to respond to what I was feeling. But I like to think that with better recognition of symptoms, I could have time out without pushing people away permenently.

Its hard when you lose friends, but it will get better. But maybe you could find help with how to handle those feelings of wanting to isolate to make it easier with the friends and family that are still around.

 

[Chincho]

Thank you Meadowsweet!!!!

It's so hard sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to get a grip on my ptsd, or at least to not let it get a grip on me. Today is a really bad day.

I lost one of my best friends when my ptsd was totally out of control, and I was also trying out some meds with awful side effects which in the end didn't work.

I'm really looking forward to it getting better!

 

[Hashi]

I used to be Ms Sociable. I was known for making and keeping friends, going to lots of places and doing interesting things. It was difficult to see the transition happening from that to spending so much time alone, it made me question my sense of identity. But socialising and keeping up with people took too much physical, mental and emotional energy. I often don't like being so alone, but being with other people is worse.

I also used to be friendly and chatty with everyone at work, I was the one who knew everyone and didn't take sides. Now I'm wary and defensive, and instead of staying away from toxic people I find myself in confrontations with them. In my previous job, management and staff both asked me to be the union representative because I was seen to be always calm and fair-minded. In my current job, I'm called to disciplinary meetings for aggressive and rude behaviour - is this really the same me?

Bad as this is, there are some things about it which are useful. By withdrawing, I have more time and energy to spend on therapy, journalling etc. I can use the time to work on healing, and feeling isolated actually helps with that because it makes me "be" with myself in more ways than just literally.

I was surprised that so many of my circle of friends were intolerant and unsupportive of my need to draw back from socialising... was I no more to them than a night out? A very few good friends have remained, sending me texts or emails every now and then even if I'm not up to seeing them for months at a time, and now I actually feel glad to have lost many of the others.

It's also new to me to not make such an effort socially or at work. I realise how much I put into being nice to everyone and trying to create a good atmosphere - but that was disproportionate to what other people put in. While I don't think PTSD-fuelled aggression is the answer, I'd like to find a way to politely keep to myself a bit more and not use so much of my energy on people who are not spending that same kind of energy on me.

I think this situation I have now is extreme - being so isolated and alone - but I'm learning things from it and I hope eventually that I won't go back to how I was before, but will get to somewhere more balanced. I'd like to be able to socialise a bit while still having time for myself and my feelings. I'd like to have a few good friends rather than a big circle of social-only ones. I'd like to give less of myself at work, while still doing a good job and being a good colleague. Hopefully, this time of unchosen isolation will actually help me get to that point.

 

[Belle]

When you have PTSD you find out who your true friends are. They try to understand, they see the good and bad days, they get why you can be angry. But you end up with less friends because the fairweather friends disappear.

I don't know when it stops hurting but I imagine it is when you can accept the truth. The truth being that some friends will be waiting for you when you feel better enough to reach out. Others will be lost.

It is lonely, it is isolating but you are not alone ((((Hugs))))

 

[Meadowsweet]

There was a friend I got back in touch with not long ago. I'd left her because I was pouring out all my crap to her, and the way she responded felt like she was deliberately misinterpreting, minimising and turning everything back on me.

But with a better understanding of myself I figured she probably just couldn't comprehend what was the matter with me, and that I shouldn't have expected so much of her. So I got in touch, asked how she was and said it would be nice to say hi. The conversation went something likethis.

Her - I don't want to stay in touch because I can see the conversations going the same way.
Me - I'm sorry I went on so much. I have ptsd and a therapist who's helping me now, so I wouldn't go on about that stuff, and I gave her a link to understand ptsd a bit better.
Her - was your ptsd caused by falling out with friends.
Me - :confused: erm, no its to do with violence and sexual abuse.
Her - Sorry, I can't be the friend I used to be to you. Theres too much water under the bridge.

Thats the response of a fair weather friend.

Whats upsetting is that she will go back to her bubble with the belief that its not the weakness of her friendship, its my weakness for not having a happy life.

Thats an attitude I try not to take on.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear MS, I'm sorry. Some friends are true or more understanding or kind, some others will not or can not understand. The same in many ways could also be said for family. Much I think is projections of their own beliefs on you, rather than being able to hear or accept what you are saying.

No one and no relationship is perfect, but there are vast differences between them, and whether or not people truly care about one another.

I make friends easily, but am not necessarily interested in sharing the same interests on a daily basis any more. I'm not 'up to' the bar scene or heavy drinking, and I don't have the commonality of in laws and new children to raise (or even grandchildren)! And definitely not confrontation! Same goes for one night stands.

I think with ptsd, beyond it's 'challenges', I'm at a different point in my life. I'm not really interested in being surrounded by 'numbers' for the sake of it being expected, I'd rather have quality relationships than toxic ones. Perhaps it's just me, but I don't have the heart for it anymore. I think too, ptsd simply puts you in a different 'place', in terms of understanding and self-understanding, and defining what's important to you (or not as important).

 

[Belle]

. I think too, ptsd simply puts you in a different 'place', in terms of understanding and self-understanding, and defining what's important to you (or not as important).

Yes I like this :) You kind of whittle down to the core of what really matters/ is important.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think so Belle. To some degree it's almost ineveitable I think after life-and-death experiences and issues. Not something one talks about but changes one's 'reality' noneththeless.

Even to some degee also no longer allowing (or wanting) to be around those who are unkind, or really do not understand.

For example, today I am beat, and my body has taken a toll. I have still Easter things to drop off, but not sure I will make it. But I can only do the best I can. How it would/ could be viewed, that I can't control. Not being 'able' as I want, or even have been, is just as frustrating and a 'downer' to me. For someone else to understand that, is simply part of the 'understanding' and much (infinitely) appreciated on my part.

I think ptsd has a way of putting the end of our lives in greater focus earlier on (whether we like it, or not). That changes so much.

And there is much to have to accept, for ourselves and others. Such a great difference, between 'needs', and 'wants' or 'hopes'.

 

[Chincho]

Wow! This thread has taught me so much about what to expect. I also saw myself described in some of what I read.

Meadowsweet, your conversation was so like one I had with a "friend"!

I was a lot like Hashi, a social being. I guess as time goes by, the pain of the fairweather friends dissappearing will subside, and I will come to terms with the new me.

I still have to learn to accept myself for what I am now, and learn to be with myself. That's a really hard one, learning to be with myself.

 

[Abrasky]

I use to also feel like you Chincho. My real self at 5 was a very social creature who found energy in being a happy little friend to everyone. I seemed to draw people to me. My mum and dad over years with bad abuse and isolation and violence that came after I made friends made me develop a severe fear of people. I learned early not to have friends through school or join things like choir or appear happy so in response I actually got everyone to hate me by being a pain and saying things that annoyed people just to avoid violence at home.

It got really bad when I was attacked life threateningly, I actually got to the point I would try to infuriate people I was that scared of them and the violence that followed. It went from people to avoiding work closeness.

It is really wonderful I am making friends again now after so long, starting to let that happy 5 year old through again after most of my life she hid away in a distant place. I also got a job (after 13 years of isolation from paid work) where I can be social to make my 5 year old self happy. I was always a really social person pretending to be someone else even though I isolated myself for so long. PTSD can make you do some strange things. It doesn't mean you don't like people, there may be elements of you that are protecting yourself I find. It took me 13 years to heal them so it is never too late.