Gf Has Ptsd And Has Requested No More Contact.

[joeylittle]

I am upset because I merely wanted to know if she harmed herself and physically okay.

You are upset because she did not respond to you. You felt badly, like you had been pushed out of her life. It makes sense. I guess the part I'm wanting to challenge you on is the notion that you were wronged by her. Like @Justmehere said, would you get angry if someone was in chemotherapy and too weak to keep up their end of the conversation?

It just hurts when you have done nothing but be concerned about someone's well-being and they tell you not to contact them.

Yes, it does. But concern doesn't have to be conditional. I have concern for people that have too much going on to report to me how they are doing. It's not realistic to expect someone to prioritize you when they are in a crisis, whether they are your girlfriend, best friend, spouse, parent, anyone.

Full disclosure: I've survived rape, and I'm pretty sure I'm having such a strong response because I just want you to understand how absolutely devastating it is. PTSD or not. It's a life-altering event, and even when you become accepting of what happened to you, it's never ever going to be ok that it happened.

 

[Sam115]

I appreciate your input joeylittle. I'm still just trying to understand the disease. Yes, honestly, I did feel abandoned. I did visualize this great long distance relationship once I started classes at a university I wanted to go to. I was just confused (and still am a little confused) on how she acted like she was fine when we got breakfast before I left (apparently that was after she saw the guy). We were even fine the next day I was two hours away. That's why it seemed out of the blue to me.

 

[Justmehere]

Again...I'm not upset that she didn't talk to me or wanted space. I am upset because I merely wanted to know if she harmed herself and physically okay.

You keep coming back to this. You are very defensive about this. No one is saying you had NO reason to be hurt. You had a reason to be hurt and feel scared, even mad. PTSD sucks. It is horrible that she is going through this and that it means she can't be in a relationship with you.

I know you say you merely wanted to know if she was ok. Frankly, that is BS. You wanted much more than to know if she was ok. You were in what you call a rage for at least long enough to delete an app used to communicate with her. People don't get in a rage if all they want is one "mere" text of someone saying "I'm ok" and then would be ok with never ever contacting you again. You can BS us all you want, but please at least be honest with yourself.

You are mad because she abandoned you. That sucks. You can't change it. It doesn't matter how justified your actions were, you can't change where things are now.

Again, if you fear for her physical safety and think she will die, call the police. Otherwise, even questioning if she doesn't want to see you anymore after she has told you she wants no contact is a very big sign that you need to focus on you and your own pain and struggle.

Not hers.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm still just trying to understand the disease.

I appreciate your heart to want to understand PTSD better. I think you need to put more work into understanding and working on your behavior than hers, as the only thing you can change is you. However, in the interest of helping make PTSD easier to understand, let me try to explain.

PTSD is often from trauma from humans. PTSD symptoms make it hard to stay in a relationship with other humans. PTSD makes relationships FREAKING SCARY even when everything is safe and sometimes it is impossible to endure any contact.

Asking or demanding contact from her when she can not contact you because of PTSD and the effects of running into her rapist - it's like if someone asked of you, right now, don't be upset, do not feel the pain of losing her... or if someone asked of you to be happy and jovial when you were depressed... and then when you could not be happy, this situation is like that person getting FURIOUS with you and now demanding you to be happy EVEN MORE.

Would that work?

 

[joeylittle]

I was just confused (and still am a little confused) on how she acted like she was fine when we got breakfast before I left (apparently that was after she saw the guy).

We cope. Coping happens when you don't want to disappoint the people you care about but aren't able to tell them what's going on because you don't know them well enough yet. Truly, don't even get too hung up on understanding the disease. I think maybe you could benefit from learning more about survivors of sexual assault. Not so you can help her, or talk to her, I think you'll just need to let that go (as you've said). Just so that you can maybe be more informed and empathetic if you ever meet another person who has survived rape.

 

[Sam115]

Justmehere don't tell me that I'm bullshitting anything. I was concerned for her. I really was. I still care for her. I am greatly relieved that she is alive and well.

 

[Sam115]

I guess I still have hope because I have read stories of people coming around once they have healed on their own. I know for right now we cannot be in a relationship. She is still recovering and , frankly, I don't think I am ready to handle this type of relationship right now unless I know she is wanting to open up. I know that seems impossible for ptds sufferers...but I dont know how sufferers have a relationship with those who do not have the disease.

 

[Justmehere]

A big part of what makes a supporter-sufferer relationship work is for the supporter to work on their own stuff. Everyone has stuff. I'm not reading anything about what you are doing to work on your part in this.

1/4 of women have been sexually assaulted. I agree with @joeylittle - it might be good to keep reading more about how to respond to survivors of sexual assault. and it would probably help the most to focus on your own stuff.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it is best for your own well being to move forward and not hold out hope that she will heal and come back to you one day. Do you know how long it takes for a single incident trauma to heal? It can take years and years.....prolonged trauma, or childhood trauma can take even longer. I've seen some supporters post about holding on for a year or more after no contact was initiated by the sufferer. I don't think this is really all that healthy, yet people somehow don't want to let go.

As for why she was ok and then not ok? Its not uncommon for someone with PTSD to have a delayed reaction to a trigger. Hell, my ENTIRE disorder is delayed in that full expression wasn't realized until 25 years after the initial trauma! And nowadays I have to be super careful about things that trigger me. If I get triggered or stressed, it may not hit me until 3 or more days later, at which point I have a full meltdown. Its then a guessing game to look back and try and figure out exactly what went wrong. This is quite confusing for people because I can be calm, cool, and collected during very stressful situations, and they think I'm ok. When I have an episode 3 days later, they don't understand the delayed expression. Does it always happen like this? Heck no. Sometimes I do show my stress during the stressful incident itself. So I think its easy to see why everyone around me is clueless when I am still figuring things out myself.

 

[Sam115]

That makes sense. I still feel a little cheated...I have some issues of my own (childhood abuse) and I told her about it after I pushed her away for a couple days. I felt so (and still feel) so lost sometimes that I almost wanted to push her away for good. Then I realized that I didn't want to live a miserable life because of someone else's mistakes. She agreed and told me she did to want the past to define her. I was so proud of her...I have thought about moving on multiple times but the person I saw in her when she said that keeps popping up in my mind.

 

[Taylor30313]

@Sam115 I think you are a really sweet person. It seems she is going through a lot right now. From what you say about her i feel i can relate. My last relationship I was in, I often pushed him away. Id talk to him but I was cold and one dimensional. It's funny you say that about a lot of people with PTSD go through bouts of shutting people out. My reasoning for that is day to day life seems to be a lot harder for us. And life is already hard. It takes so much more energy being so on edge a lot of the time. I think that's what she's going through now. And while she might not have the energy for much of anything else right now. Of course this is all strictly my opinion. I could be so wrong. But i would try not to take it personally. And once she has dealt with running into her attacker a little more i think she'll start to feel bad. Because she hasnt been treating you like she should. To give her credit though, its really hard to not push people away. I agree that you should respect her wishes for now. Give her time to process and she could suprise you. And as for the guilt you feel, i find that sometimes anger or frustration in this context signals hurt. And hurt in relationships comes from a place of investment and caring. When she has a moment to think about others i bet she'll realize that So don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[Sam115]

Thanks you so much Taylor30313. That meant a lot.it sounds kind of sick to say but I actually viewed her disease as a way to connect with her like I couldn't connect with anyone else. All my past relationships have been with healthy people and never thought they understood real trauma. She's gone through it...so she knows exactly what it's like to not have anyone else understand. I admit I should have been more understanding, but honesty I was so worried about her for the last few weeks it turned into anger. It's kind of like when you yell at a child for running away from home if that makes sense.