Gf Has Ptsd And Has Requested No More Contact.

[illusionist]

So as not to feed the idea that it is all about us, the sufferer, can I say that my partner gets just as much in return. He gets a very special trust, a very loving woman...I show my love on a daily basis , my hugs come from deep in my heart... not just physically, a woman who never takes him for granted as I know and appreciate how unique he is, a woman who would do all in her power to help if asked, a woman who respects him as he does me, a woman who feels free to have her own choices/ opinions so no need to scream and fight for what I want...easier life for him, a woman who doesn't care if the toilet seat is up or any of the trivial things others complain about.......they really are not important to me..they are very very minor things in the grand scheme of things, a very fulfilling sex life....Yes sufferers can go on to have a great sex life , and a woman who has learned that material possessions and gifts are not important...a simple thought/ effort means far more to me.
I think that's fair returns for something very basic as respect.

 

[ekane]

You reaction is a bit excessive, to the extent I'm immediately reminded of every guy who is not emotionally stable, mature, and self-aware. Also, you sound quite selfish. Although I can sense to a degree you care for this girl, your response is so selfish. People with PTSD have to cut out all "dramatic" people in their lives, and you are being quite dramatic and angry. It's not even about PTSD. Any human being who wants to grow into a responsible, self-aware, person who knows how to have HEALTHY relationships would get away from you right now. Your reaction hints at narcissism. You sound like the type of guy who no one needs to be in relationship with right now, whether or not they have PTSD. You need to learn empathy, if possible. Her life is about her. And your life is about you. You need to focus on yourself. Give yourself the respect of moving on and learning how you can become the best possible version of yourself and how you can more forward and create a life you love living. And you need to respect other people, like this girl, who is doing exactly what she has to do --- PROTECTING HER HEALTH, SANITY, AND SAFETY.

 

[Ronin]

@ekane, thank you. I didn't have your eloquence for saying that, but, there.

 

[Friday]

I completely understand needing space. Space is a week or two tops to get back on your feet p, but 3 weeks or more is just asking to push the good people out of your life.

Thats your definition... And it's a good one to know. In a relationship that works for you, both of you will have a pretty similar definition. But it's hardly everyone's. For some, space means hours, for others months. Self selecting groups/ birds of a feather/ we tend to fall into groups of like minded people. But just because our definition works for us, or even those around us, doesn't mean that it's a universal definition. There isn't a "right" one. 2 weeks fine, 3 weeks not fine? One of those arbitrary lines. Could as easily be 2 days fine, 3 days not. Or 2 months fine, 3 months not.

You might argue "the good people" leave at 3 weeks. Well, some, for sure. Other good people leave immediately, and other good people will never leave. When people leave us (you, me, anyone) has almost nothing to do with us. It has to do with them. What are their tolerances, rules, definitions? I've had people show up in my life after 10 years, and I'm thrilled to see them. Meanwhile some of their friends were furious at them, how dare they just show up after 10 years??? My friend is the same bloke. The difference isn't in him. It's in his friends.

 

[Friday]

I was just confused (and still am a little confused) on how she acted like she was fine when we got breakfast before I left (apparently that was after she saw the guy). We were even fine the next day I was two hours away. That's why it seemed out of the blue to me.

She probably was fine.

Compartmentalization, disassociation, denial, or delayed reaction could and often does cause that sort of thing to happen. It's what people do when they go into survival mode.

It's not like when I'm terrified of dropping my son of at the first day of school wih new parent jitters so I put on a big smile and get really excited for him and act fine for his benefit. It's not a pretend thing, or a manipulation thing, or even a willpower thing.

In 3:4 of the above options... (Compartmentalization, disassociation, denial) ...The stressor never happened. Not to her mind, in that moment. She would have been completely fine because she'd either compartmentalized things, disassociated during either the stressor or her time with you, or zip/nada/zilch... Denial! It didn't happen, it doesn't bother me, I'm fine! :D. It's still different than when I know I'm not fine, and I'm putting on a brave face. Worlds apart different.

Delayed reaction, meanwhile, would also mean she was fine. Stressor happened, she was aware of it, she was coping just fine, even expected that to be the status quo. Cool. I'm fine. Awesome. And then fell apart later.

***

A lot of the themes here in this thread, you're a smart chick, if you stop arguing for a moment and take what people are telling you at face value; that these are not decisions people make, these are symptoms of a condition. Like depression isn't just a "Cheer up!" away from being happy. Depression isn't just being sad, PTSD isn't just being upset. PTSD is a neurological condition. I get that you THINK you're asking for a teeny tiny little thing (why can't she "just")... Dozens of posts here telling you that it's not a little thing. It's a pretty damn big thing. Like asking someone not to stutter. Sometimes it's possible, sometimes it's not. And the conditions surrounding why they're stuttering in the first place are pretty key. Make someone with Tourette's completely stressed out? More tics are going to pop up, not less. I'm using other disorders here, on purpose. PTSD is a disorder. Symptoms can be managed, but they also can be made worse. A lot of the things you're suggesting are things that make symptoms worse, not better. Hence a lot of the flak. Believe me, we've tried to "just" do certain things... And those things are made worse by those methods. Not better.

 

[Taylor30313]

I think a lot of you are misinterpreting the difference between a want and an action.. Sam wants them to be together and thinks it'd be for the better but it doesn't mean Sam its going to disrespect her wishes.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

First-time post-er, cuz this one is near and dear to my own heart and situation. A few thoughts if I may pipe in:

One - I haven't seen anyone comment, yet (and I might just have missed it, so apologies if this is a repeat), on the fact that you moving away right before this happened may already have been a traumatic thing for her to deal with .. and then to encounter her abuser on top of it? Definitely a series of HARD events for someone already prone to trigger.

Two - My man and I were "just friends" for years, but even at the beginning of our relationship, I saw him "click out" (what he calls it), and it was IMPOSSIBLE for him to interact with ANYONE during those times. His "Grumpy" side wouldn't let him. At. All. Because it is his fight/flight response on hyperdrive. He has "shut me out" for months at a time TWICE in our history. The first time totally flipped me out, but he was in contact with my brother who had the presence of mind to encourage me to just back off. I was kinda doing with him what you describe above - chasing him for reassurances he was ok, very concerned he'd hurt himself, etc. When I finally let go, and just WAITED, he sought me out a few months later by his own effort - not coincidentally by showing up unannounced at my brother's wedding. :) And first thing he did was hug me, act sheepish, and then not talk to me, nor ever explain himself, but his ACTIONS spoke volumes to me. The second time, I didn't really understand it, yet (we didn't know about childhood complex trauma PTSD and DID) but I RECOGNIZED the behavior, and had to just trust our connection was strong enough that he'd come back. And he did - he knew he could trust me, and he reached out to me, cuz I gave him the space he needed to regroup and feel SAFE. The 2nd shut out lasted only a couple months (where the 1st had been 6 months). NOW we are close enough, and so much trust built over YEARS of caring for one another, he is very unlikely to shut me out again, but I know if he does - as AWFUL and hard as it is, I really can only pray for him, and trust that our relationship is strong enough to handle the break till he reaches out to me again.

Three - your relationship is SOOOO young, and it just honestly takes TIME to build that trust and safety. In my case, there was a very real element of my man TESTING me to see if I'd respect his boundaries, not invade or chase after him, etc. cuz that could expose that I might have had an ulterior motive, etc. If I had not backed off as my brother had suggested, he NEVER would have let me back in. Backing off was AWFUL for me, AGONIZING .. but it was best for HIM, and ultimately his reaching out to me was ALSO best for him. Breaking down walls, etc.

In short .. Someone with PTSD (in any of its many forms) can have symptoms that are very difficult to understand, and it is all too easy to take things personally. (Oy, and it HURTS. *hugs* to you!) Especially if you have your own insecurity issues - like I do! But if she's worth having, she's worth protecting. Even if that means you're having to protect her from yourself for xyz reasons .. HOW that should look for you also becomes clearer with TIME.

I hope that breathes a little LIFE into your situation. :) Look into your own heart and insecurities and see if you can identify where you might need/want to adjust for the future. Consider her care-fully, put yourself in her shoes, and recognize that the best way to love her is literally to "let her go" - perhaps with CALM reassurances that you will be there for her WHENEVER she wants to reach out to you. If she's genuinely into you, she WILL reach back, even if just to test herself, and then you'll need to decide if this kind of behavior is something you can adapt to, and find ways to BELIEVE THE BEST about who she is - at her HEART. If you can see her heart, and work really hard on your own patience, you guys have a shot at making it work. :)

Best regards!
~S2B

 

[scout86]

@ptsdspouse2b , I don't know about a post like that as your first post. What are you going to do for an encore? Well said and welcome to the forum!

 

[illusionist]

Welcome ptsdspouse2b ! ....just wow! That's one very, very lucky partner you have!

 

[Powder]

To the Original poster: you did say that you felt hurt by being dropped off so suddenly under those circumstances. I content you are hurt but from the past. This is just a way to replay the tape without actually hearing what hurts too much for you right now.

You should use this whole painful episode as a good reason to seek your own accurate diagnosis and much better therapy in line with it. It sounds as if what's been had has only thrown more dirt over the buried childhood memories within. It needs to be dug up and grieved first. You have a lot of work to do before you will be able to handle someone else's trauma. Best remember your own fist. I hope you are listening.

I'm sorry, but if you have amnesia that spans whole years after the age of 4, or if you can't remember most of your childhood, there is a damn good reason for that, which you are clearly holding back, and not by choice but by habit. You are clearly very angry, and that tells me you were likely BETRAYED and CURSED by someone who you trusted to have your back. Likely a parent, teacher, leader, or carer. If you have a sister, probably you are aware of her betrayal, too, and perhaps you are replacing her now with the girlfriend and trying to fix it now. Speaking from experience. I didn't let the dam break until 30 years post trauma. That is likely average for child trauma, if not more. Trust me, you don't want to wait until we are using holographic face time forums in 20 years and be right back here saying the same thing, like a broken record. I hope you get strong, trust yourself, and heal by remembering your past and grieving it healthily.

Using other traumatized people to project your issues upon and then to try to convince yourself you are right to keep on running from the past in order to live a "life you deserve" is self-deception. You want her to have a stiff upper lip and prove you right to keep on running from what you are repressing. Not so. Let her grieve. You should be following her brave example and prepare yourself to grieve your childhood. It hurts, but it needs to happen on some kind of level if you are to grow and relate.

I know you are trying, but I insist that you're projecting your trauma onto her somehow and not even really seeing your girlfriend for who she actually is. You only see yourself superimposed over her and exhibit a strong need to just have her soldier on with you. You want to heal or you wouldn't be doing this. But you're beating about the bush rather than setting it on fire at letting it burn until it's consumed by grief and you can turn away and face a new world.

It is your personal right to repress your childhood trauma. Your brain is keeping you in amnesia because it believes it would destroy/kill you to remember. That is not true. It is a false instinct. You do need to remember at least the basics of what occurred WHEN YOU ARE SAFE & SUPPORTED ENOUGH and to grieve your lost childhood in order to be a healthy person who can relate to other human beings with strong empathy, self-awareness, and the ability to see what is yours and yours alone. Any dissociation of this magnitude and you will be doomed to continue to project what is in your shadow (subconscious) on people around you, who you will accidentally be using as objects, as mirrors, instead of friends or loved ones. Best to just deal with it and be real, warts and all, and be able to feel your feelings, all of them, even the horrible ones, and come back up for air ready to engage face-to-face, if possible after you face the betrayal.

Don't try to remember in therapy. People who do remember accurately, usually do so at home or when triggered out in the world. For child trauma, look at your dreams, if you can remember them, for the pieces of the puzzle. It's up to you and only you to make them fit into the big picture of your past and who you are and what really did happen.

But if you hurt others, then that is not your right anymore and you are responsible. What's more, if you continue to believe you can go to counseling-light and tiptoe past your amnesia without consequences, you will harm others immensely with your projecting and other coping strategies that have worked well in childhood to help you to survive but will undermine you now as an adult. There are much simpler and easier ways to cope that you can learn in therapy for traumatic amnesia.

My best wishes and hopes for you to receive total, unconditional support. You have it worse than your GF in that at least she has access to her traumatic memory and can grieve it/process it.

I wish others hadn't bashed you when you clearly need our support, and I support your attempts to heal. I hope that you and your girlfriend remain mutual supporters in healing whatever level of relating you both choose.

Best Regards, it's a hard road, so take a friend, :/
Muse

 

[Sam115]

Hello everyone. I know I said I was getting off this site but I had to come back here and apologize to everyone. When I wrote this post I was so hurt about everything that was happening in my world. I was already lonely because I moved somewhere completely new and she was a source of support at the time. I do admit that I was selfish not to put myself in her shoes. I honestly just thought she was just being an asshole. I know that she is not, nor is anybody here (despite how angry I sounded towards everyone). I still do not know what the future holds for us, but I did send her one last email on her birthday and told her that it was the last time I would contact her until she felt ok. My email also said that I really did not understand ptsd fully and that's why I was so confused and hurt by what was happening. It also said that all I want for her is to be happy again and that I was sorry for pushing her away and not understanding. I told her I wouldn't even be upset if she didn't respond to my email. It's not about me. I've been pretty bad at showing that I care....I told her to take all the time she needs and I am still here for her if she needs. I'm sorry everyone. I have my own issues with abandonment and not ever being shut out like that made me into someone I didn't even recognize.

 

[The Albatross]

Classy move Sam... now no matter what happens, keep in the back of your mind your own issues with abandonment and work them through. Everybody's got their something... but, you don't need to bring it to your relationship(s). Sadly PTSD is not optional baggage.