Relationship GHOSTED, feeling stages of grief.

[haleyquinn]

I met someone, a combat vet with c-ptsd (ofc) although short-lived, was the most organic love and it all seems so unreal. We had the same vicious sense of humor (I also suffer from anxiety, depression, INSANE ADHD) which helps us cope with our traumas. I truly believe, I met my match. We laugh hysterically together (this never happens to me) and we’re able to communicate honestly, reconfirming each other’s safety. We didn’t make grand future plans! We both have dogs and that’s our everything, truly our biggest selling points to each other. I know he is suffering rn, I saw the signs; alcohol bender, not sleeping, becoming irrationally short with me. He is so genuinely good. He has given me some insight of the combat he’s experienced and the compassion he has is incredible. Not a lot of people could survive such trauma, I truly want to give a piece of my heart to every sufferer, despite how ridiculous that sounds, just so they could feel safe.

We are both living with our parents, early 30s, in a very small town where running into each other is very likely. I know I must be stoic, leave him alone, but god damn, I miss him. This may be a selfish post, I’m aware. Also, work in behavior with kids experiencing trauma behavior; reactive attachment disorder is an example. Am I completely wrong to keep hope alive? O feel like I’m barely living and I need to accept this. Easier said than done.

 

[Weemie]

Am I completely wrong to keep hope alive?

Does being hopeful benefit you, or is it harming you? He might come back and he might not. The emotional sensation of love isn't enough to mitigate years of unhealthy trauma responses, unfortunately. As it often happens, many people with PTSD go through cycles where they become symptomatic, ghost their loved ones, and then come back. How will you feel if he comes back, everything is normal or fantastic again, only for this to happen again? And again, and again... probably for the rest of your lives? (Or at least, the rest of your relationship.) You can remain hopeful. There's nothing wrong with that. But understand what it is you are hoping for.

 

[haleyquinn]

Does being hopeful benefit you, or is it harming you? He might come back and he might not. The emotional sensation of love isn't enough to mitigate years of unhealthy trauma responses, unfortunately. As it often happens, many people with PTSD go through cycles where they become symptomatic, ghost their loved ones, and then come back. How will you feel if he comes back, everything is normal or fantastic again, only for this to happen again? And again, and again... probably for the rest of your lives? (Or at least, the rest of your relationship.) You can remain hopeful. There's nothing wrong with that. But understand what it is you are hoping for.

Thank you for this helpful input! You raise an excellent point and I think only time will tell, for now.

 

[Friday]

Take VERY careful note, the first time someone you love -with PTSD- is isolating.

Where you were totally fine, concerned, starting to have a problem, definite problems, f*ck you I’m done. These form your soft & hard limits.

And once they’re OUT of needing to isolate? Can usually be discussed/negotiated to some degree.

For example? People I’ve been in relationships with we usually have codes. For when I/They WANT to reach out, but can’t, or don’t want any pressure.

But those codes? Are born from a) collaboration & b) understanding ourselves and being exceptionally honest about what we can & cannot do, want and don’t want to do, need & cannot budge on.

 

[arfie]

the heart goes where it goes, haley. calling myself names for feeling what i feel is rather like hating on myself for the need to breathe. this from an engineer who would outlaw feelings, altogether, if such were possible. ya can't fight mother nature. saying, "i love you" carries a death penalty, doesn't it? till death do us part. . .

i've been married for 43 years, but we've lived separately for a good many of those years. i count those separation years as the most important years of our bonding. those are the years where we learned to live and let live. healing happened for both of us.

never give up hope, nor try to control where that hope takes you. the healing mysteries go where they go.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk if this is at all helpful, but I think the decision to trust (or not) affects everything, and perspective. It can't be based on only feelings. Then the rest is up to what @arfie said, the dynamic and communication between you. But also much time and circumstances. And what your heart tells you, but teased out from past wounds, (lots of times since childhood, and with trauma(s) ).

Best wishes to you.