Supporter Girlfriend Of Returning Veteran In Search Of Answers

[celia]

Hello, I'm not sure what to say, its really tough to reach out. My wonderful boyfriend came back home for good in July 2011. I am in disbelief that he left me out of nowhere after becoming so angry for reasons I'm still unsure of. I don't know what to do. A week ago he told me I was the only woman for him. This week I don't even recognize him. I'm lost.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

There is a wonderful supporters section here, with some great people. I would start by reading the 'sticky' threads at the tops of the pages. Those are very helpful.

Remember to take care of yourself too.

Take care.

 

[ProudWife99]

(((((((Celia)))))))))

My husband is a veteran and, like you, when he came home I hardly recognized him at all. I wish I had answers, but without knowing more about your situation I'm afraid I'd muck it all up. Do know that you are not alone! As Ayesha said, make sure to read the sticky threads and take care of yourself. YOU are important.

PW

 

[celia]

Thank you for all your thoughts and notes of encouragement. Just knowing that I'm not alone makes me feel more sane. I'm reading a lot about PTSD and its really hitting the nail on the head of what I have been experiencing with my boyfriend during the last 8 months. I am starting to feel more that this is not something that I have caused, although when he is in a rage, he has put all the blame on me and even told me I am the root cause of all his problems. I have been his only true friend. He was a handsome gentleman, loving , peaceful, made my wishes come true, promised to never leave me, a hero, someone I was so proud of , made me feel beautiful....and then about 3 months ago....his symptoms kicked in to high gear. He denies to get help, refuses to talk by voice only text. Last week we were picking out paint to move into a new house, we went to therapy last week( by the way for "ME" to get help and change) and I haven't seen him since. This is a true nightmare.

 

[ProudWife99]

Has he been diagnosed, Celia? Also, it is good to hear that you are seeking counseling, as sometimes we cannot make sense of our loved ones actions all by ourselves.

When you click through and read in the supporters section of the forum you'll read a lot about Boundaries and self-care. A lot of us have lived the nightmare you are referring too. I thought I was crazy for a while. Actually, I thought I was crazy until I found this forum. Vent away, as we're not here to judge you or him.

Sending peace your way!

 

[celia]

He was diagnosed last summer but swept it under the rug as did I. Symptoms started increasing. His run away from home became more frequent. He never said ugly damaging things to me until beginning of this year. He's never hit me. He never apologizes anymore but wants me to apologize for everything and I do just to keep peace. I tell him I will change. I am a career woman and self sustaining woman. On the days that he has abandoned me, I am in slow motion in everything I do. I had no clue what PTSD was. I now see my home chores being ignored, my exercise routine has been put on hold, and all I do is pray for a sign of hope. Can you tell me ProudWife99 if you have experienced this?

 

[ProudWife99]

Oh Celia have I ever. Much like you I ignored the symptoms of PTSD when I first learned about it. He was "handling" it then so I thought I had no real role in it.

For me, it got worse before it got better. I was blessed in that I refused to marry my husband until he began to seek treatment. He did so immediately (1 month) following our wedding and has not stopped. He wanted to get better as badly as I wanted him too, so we were blessed in that regard.

However, because I expected him to continue to get help it was often "my fault" when he was raging. If I had not wanted more from him, he would not be hurting. So yes, I have been at the crap end of his anger and hurt. He has stormed off, left, asked for divorce, and ran away a number of times. I had to learn how to set boundaries that were healthy for me. That was the first step.

 

[sisu]

((((celia))))
I have been dating a wonderful man with combat PTSD from his military service. We met 5 years ago this May and dated happily for 9 months. I knew he had PTSD from the start, but I never saw any signs or symptoms during those first 9 months. Then everything hit - I didn't even recognize this man ~ he was so depressed and shut down. I got shut out and we broke up. It was awful and horrible. The worst thing I had ever experienced because just days before this break up we were so happy and talking about the future. When we broke up, I made several attempts to make contact because it all happened so fast I felt like the rug was ripped out from under me. I called, emailed, texted - no response. We spoke once or twice shortly after the break up in person....it was so strange because his eyes were just empty. He was physically there, but no longer the man I knew and loved. He decided I deserved betterthan him, so we were done - no talking, no texting, no emailing, no nothing for 2 years. I moved on, he moved on....and so I thought that was the end of that.

We reconnected 2 summers ago and were both in different people, but all of that love and the connection we felt was still there. He had worked on his PTSD and I had been reading about PTSD the entire time we were broken up (still not sure why I did that). We are in a great place now and he is able to tell me when he is having a flash back, or feeling depressed or having a panic attack. Whatever he feels he knows he can trust me now - which is a huge deal in a relationship with someone who has PTSD. I always say that trust has to be the foundation of any relationship, but an almost "super trust" is necessary in a relationship if one or both have PTSD.

I just wanted to share a bit of my story so you didn't feel so alone. I think we have all been in your shoes at one time or another. Be kind to yourself - and keep reading and asking questions.

Sisu

 

[celia]

Sisu, what an amazing story and thank you for sharing with me. I'm in the same exact boat you were in when the rug was ripped out from under you. He refuses to see me or talk to me right now. I have to have faith that he will get help on his own because I can't do it for him. At this time, I have so much floating around in my head, I even wonder if he's seeing someone else. I know he's drinking. I want you to know that the replies on my thread are huge support to me and they are miracles in themself because not even my family knows whats truly going on with me right now. Thank you Sisu and Proudwife99!

 

[sisu]

I do not believe that love can be turned on and off like a faucet. However, these are military guys who are trained to do just that. I think they can turn off "feeling" those feelings for a period of time, but the love doesn't really go away. He is protecting you from his "evil mind"....these men have been asked to do things that are beyond what we can wrap our head around. And just because it was "their job" doesn't mean the guilt goes away. They can turn off that "feeling" of guilt for a while when they are in the combat location, but that guilt returns when they come home. They KNOW that they were doing what they had to do, but we all have our personal set of moral standards. Over there they have to do things outside of their moral standards. My guy feels a tremendous amount of guilt even though he KNOWS he did what he had to do and what he was asked to do. (got off on a tangent there...)

Anyway, keep reading about PTSD and learn everything you can. Keep going to counseling for YOU. He still loves you, but has possibly turned off that "feeling" right now so he can protect you from him. (not sure if this made any sense - ask questions if I wasn't clear).

 

[celia]

Sisu, the last thing he said to me was....You need to move on because things are going to get crazy and you won't want to be around...what did he mean? I asked him to explain and he didn't respond. He's nowhere to be found.

 

[sisu]

Your guy has unmanaged PTSD - no meds, no counseling and some denial. Because he is unmanaged, all of the "crazy" is whirling around in his mind. He may be experiencing flashbacks, see things that aren't there (IED's, people following him, etc.), nightmares, panic attacks~ he is probably feeling out of control right now. AND he is trying to protect you from this ~ which is why he said "things are going to get crazy and you won't want to be around". He doesn't want you to see how bad he really is. To you this makes no sense because PTSD is so hard to understand. Your perception of the world is through your experiences. His perception is through his experiences (which I have no doubt were horrible). And right now his perception is made worse by the fact that he is not managing his PTSD.

You can't help him if he won't manage his PTSD. He needs to go to the VA and get counseling and meds as soon as possible. Encourage him if you can. If he won't listen to you, maybe he will one of his friends or military buddies.

Be kind to yourself - NONE of this is about you. It truly is all about him.