Give him a chance?

[scout86]

Just a thought. Does your husband actually know HOW to cook a meal? I ask because I've lived alone most of my life. When I was married, my ex liked to cook, so he usually made dinner. If I was given the job of "cooking dinner for the family" with no discussion, notice, or help...... We'd have probably gone with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or macaroni and cheese. Now, if it turned out that those were ok, maybe I'd have gradually gotten comfortable with taking on a bigger project. What I'm saying is, maybe he needs a chance to better understand where you're coming from and why, and they what's being asked of him?

 

[A concerned spouse]

This was a huge wake up call for me in therapy too. I am a strong women but when this came up I realized this is my weakness. I'm not just this way with my husband, I'm this way with everyone. You are right when you say it's should be so simple but it's down right agonizing for me.

Also I feel that when you have a partner with PTSD you are so fearful of rocking the boat and triggering them. I can't tell you so many times when life was good and I said something or did something that triggered him and beat myself up afterword because it caused him to spiral down, and suddenly my happy world wasn't so happy anymore.

So I'm learning it's HOW you say it. How you approach it that makes the biggest impact. I'm learning how not to say things and how to use my words. It makes aaf 'll the difference in the world. But you are SUPER WOMEN and you CAN do this!

 

[NewBeginnings]

Just a thought. Does your husband actually know HOW to cook a meal? I ask because I've lived alone most...

Thank you for your replies - he does cool and quite well but just not for me or the family. He will cook something for himself late at night if he is feeling hungry- or he will make himself food for him to take for lunch sometimes (this is a huge change because I used to make him breakfast and lunch before he went to work but when i started working full time I no longer had enough time so I stopped making him breakfast and lunch. He probably thinks that since he has to make some food for himself that I should do the rest. I am being hard on him. I did used to do a lot more.

 

[scout86]

He's probably being a male chauvinist, but I know I find cooking for anyone other than myself to be pretty daunting. I'm SURE they'll hate it.

 

[NewBeginnings]

He's probably being a male chauvinist, but I know I find cooking for anyone other than myself to be pre...

Well he actually used to be a private cook and travel quite a bit cooking for families- so he has the skill but Doesn’t see it as his place. (My word not his).
Upon reflection and reading all this I think I need to stop asking and let him know what I need - this will take some time as this seems like an incredibly vulnerable place and the thought of this screams that I am a complete failure and depending upon the response is just tough to hear.

 

[A concerned spouse]

You are NOT a failure!!! You are a strong women. You've been doing ok ALL for so long and that's strength, not weakness. You have taught him how to treat you. I know, I taught my husband a long time ago that I could and would do it all. Then I became resentful but it wasn't his fault because I never set boundries. Change is hard but it's more of an emotional challenge than a physical one.

Build your confidence up. Tell him happily what you need. When you tell someone with confidence and out of love what you need But don't have any expectations that they will actually do It, the ball is in their court.

You got this!

 

[LuckiLee]

Ok. So he actually likes to cook that definitely helps. What's his favorite thing to make? What was his specialty? Start there. Have the ingredients in the house ready to go.

It's funny with men sometimes. You have to let them think it's their idea. My guy makes the best spaghetti sauce, so I'd call and say "I was going to make sauce but I'm running late could you start it"?

Also while he's sitting there watching tv he can fold the laundry, pay a couple bills, dust and organize the table sitting next to him. Remember, please and thank you go a long way.

Keep us posted. :)

 

[NewBeginnings]

A few days ago an opportunity presented. Sometimes in T , I will tell my t that i can’t do something or after the fact let her know that I chickened out. And my t is so nice to point out that these times are just missed opportunities.

Anyway - a few nights ago it must have taken me a good half hour to ask my husband about his resistance to making dinner. I couldn’t believe how hard even trying to say what I need is - i could not say the words “I need”. I dissociated-I stuttered- and finally after at least 1/2 hour I asked if he could make dinner even once a week. He responded that he doesn’t know what to make and he is bored with everything we eat and at least I can make dinners more interesting and that the kids won’t eat if he cooks and it takes him too long cook and I do a better job - while I appreciate the complimentthat was not so helpful for me.

Somehow i followed all this and told him that knowing I didn’t have to think about dinner once a week would be good.
He asked me to make a list for him to choose from of meal ideas to which I did do and we put it on our bulletin board in the kitchen.

Today - I let him know that we were going to be busy with Thanksgivings (only 7 of us this year) and if he could please help me. He said he had to make sure he walks and gets his exercises done (he has had lower back pain and is trying to do back exercises to help) and then if he has time but it might mean he will have to help super late tonight and he could help cut vegetables in the night. I said late would be helpful too. We will see how this goes.

Clearly I have such issue with opening my mouth and communicating. I hate being so awkward. Not sure the outcomes me but trying. Anyway one step at a time...

 

[NewBeginnings]

It has always amazed me that if you are Charting a course and adjust the measurements by a small amount the destination is completely different. Life is kinda like that - going in one direction and then something small happens (or something huge happens) and we keep going but the path is so very different.

I look around and wonder how my life has come to be... small changes along the way and the end is unrecognizable to what I thought it would be. And it seems To take such an incredibly long time to change anything!!!! So hard

 

[A concerned spouse]

@NewBeginnings , I am soooo proud of you!!! You took the first step and it didn't end in a world war 3. Believe me when I say that PTSD or no PTSD, this is very normal when you have a loving women that has a good heart and one that loves her family more than anything . . . This is normal. We get excited when we a young, beginning a life. But then kids start coming, a full time job, more and more laundry with a growing family, bigger meals to prepare, more messes to clean up and it keeps getting bigger and bigger and we can't keep up and get over whelmed. It happens so quickly when babies start coming.

Then one day you have no idea who you are other than a wife and mother. You feel unappreciated. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day you are going to miss the chaos. But please take my advice a learn slowly how to ask people for what you need. It's going to take time but eventually you will do it naturally. It will empower you.

Also, take some you time no matter how hard it is. Start finding out who you are besides being a wife, mother and caregiver.

It sounds like you have a loving husband and close family. Trust that they love you just as much as you love them.

 

[NewBeginnings]

@leehalf @A concerned spouse @scout86

Thank you all! Thanks for support and encouragement.

I think I have a new husband! It is shocking And amazing how my mood has shifted as a result. He has been helping with dishes- making dinners some night (yes plural). I said to him that I really liked my “new” husdand and he said well you have been asking for awhile. I am so relieved because i went negative-like he didn’t love me - i was extra critical and it added a whole level of stress.

I have so much happening in therapy, with our children, and work that not believing I had his support was crushing. I am way embarrassed with everything in my life and it is majorly helpful that my husband has stepped up.

 

[scout86]

I said to him that I really liked my “new” husdand

Good for you! It's easy to overlook that kind of change and good if you can recognize and acknowledge it. I'm glad to hear things are going better around the house!