Giving up on intimacy

[Adon]

I don’t think my SO can be intimate the way I need him to. So I’m thinking about just going back to having sex with him just on like a biological level. Since we are married and have kids, might as well make the best of it. I’m waiting for him to have empathy and he can’t (yet?). Whatever. The point is that I know that by my having sex with him in this way there’s an element of self-denial. Like I realize that I wish i had a partner who could temporarily put their needs aside for my sake, but I don’t think i will get it. He likes having sex. It feels good if I allow myself to let go. But that’s the thing, i cant dissociate in sex anymore. And I did it for so long. That’s why I’m afraid to have sex with him. Because I don’t know how to be present to someone I dissociated with for so many years. And now I realize that i was dissociating to protect myself. So that’s really weird. Maybe it wasn’t to protect myself, maybe it was so that i could be in control, by separating myself. We could do couples counseling. But I feel frozen. I’m scared of him and his penis. That’s stupid! There’s nothing to be scared of! You’re confusing him and your dad! Am i? Ugh. Too many penises waiting in my face. Wait, what?! The point is, I. Can’t. Face. Him. I want to have sex, just to have sex, just to make it better! And keep having sex, forever, and then we will be okay, Why is that so hard for me to understand?!

 

[Hewupu]

Does this really sound like a healthy thing to do?

 

[Adon]

No, not really. And after I posted I realized it. I also realized that he might not even want to have sex with me anyway since I didn’t do it for several months.

It’s a need fulfillment for him which I used to provide about every 3-5 days until the memories re-surfaced. I isolated and expected him to support me.

He felt rejected. I have been trying to reach out and give him little hugs but he seems totally walled off to me. I think it’s retaliation for my PTSD behavior. He says he’s depressed and can’t help how he feels.

Since the memories surfaced, he has said I could have “stopped all this” if I wanted to. I want to now. But it’s not true, I can’t stop it. I can’t stop the PTSD.

I want to “give” him sex and “get” some for myself. I read that sex ought to be two people coming together spontaneously and intimately, to share a feeling. But since I don’t have that, and since my SO either cannot or will not allow himself to try intimacy, I thought I could try doing it like before.

But I would be doing it out of guilt and fear. Guilt that I withheld for months and fear that if we don’t have sex soon the damage I’ve caused will be irreparable.

At the same time, there’s a part of me that says that if he can’t be trusted emotionally then I will never have sex with him consciously.

But I honestly don’t think I COULD dissociate in sex ever again, unless, god forbid, I were ever assaulted again but I don’t think I would ever ever put myself in a situation like that again.

So my dilemma is that I feel like I should be having sex. But I can’t do it unless I feel emotionally safe. And I don’t feel it with my SO. I mean, I feel safe enough to live with him, but not to be intimate.

So... couples counseling would be a last ditch effort if I agree to go, but I’m scared that my SO only wants sex to be happy in marriage. It all feels so mixed up and wrong but I committed to him and he’s good enough to the children.

I need to try or do something. My SO’s depression is my fault because he doesn’t know how to change for me. I can’t force him. I’m waiting for him to develop empathy or compassion and he’s waiting for my PTSD symptoms to heal or clear. That would be a good place to start for couples counseling, if I agree to it.

I keep flip-flopping in my head. I want to connect with him, and yet I also want him to make a demonstrable effort to support me, to temporarily put his needs aside. Part of my PTSD brain says, “You’ll never connect with him because that’s not who he is and that’s why you chose him as a partner—you knew you could keep yourself truly hidden with him (which is what you wanted) because you knew he was self-centered, just likfe all the other partners, and that way you could put your attention on his needs and ignore yours, which was how you operated all your life, as a survival mechanism.”

If that’s true then I will just stay with him until either of us can no longer stand it. That doesn’t sound very responsible, but that’s how I feel. Not sure what else to do. Oh yeah, couples counseling, if I will agree to it.

 

[Adon]

Things seemed to be briefly better in that he was trying to hug me and reach out. Then just now, I was watching cartoons with our kid and he came in and stood next to me and said, “Do you think we’ll ever be intimate again?”

I felt heat go over my face. I hate it when he puts me in that spot, like I’m supposed to carry the fate of our future with my answer. I feel trapped. I think that if I don’t say anything then he can’t use anything against me, but I’m wrong.

“It’s a simple question, yes or no?”

I stare at the tv, glance at our kid, look straight ahead. Part of me wants to launch into a talk about how unfair of a question that is, but part of me says I’m so tired of this.

“No? Ok, that’s what I thought.” And he walks out.

Without saying anything I am now once again responsible for his disappointment, rejection, depression, and the wall that is now being built back up.

 

[Veteco]

Throw it back on him.

Don’t let him make you feel anything.

He’s responsible for his own feelings

 

[Adon]

Throw it back on him.

I remember my therapist said something like this. I’m not exactly sure how to do that? Like just say, I don’t know?

 

[Mikicuw]

Say... When we are working on intimacy together. When I feel comfortable and safe .

 

[Adon]

Ok, let me go through it. He asked, “Do you think we will ever be intimate again?” An answer I could have said, and could say at any time if I feel like I want to, or if he brings it up again, is, “I think we could be intimate again if I feel safe and comfortable or if we focus on working on intimacy.”

When he gets bristly at the fact that I don’t currently feel safe and comfortable that’s his feelings, not mine. How do I throw *that* back on him?

I think that you are right. I have to be able to do that. I need to become more and more comfortable with throwing his feelings back at him. Right now I’m just in the stage of being able to even recognize these kinds of encounters. I guess not saying anything is the first step toward saying what I want to say versus whatever will soothe him or get me out of the hot seat.

At least I have an idea of what to do and how to do it, even if I currently lack the confidence and skills to consistently pull it off.