Giving Up On Sleep

[Leah123]

My lack of sleep seems to be competing for primary issue lately. I haven't slept well in eight years, since I had my daughter. I gave up on sleep, because she had sleep issues, and she didn't sleep for more than 20 minutes or so for a long time. She still has sleep issues (going to sleep and staying asleep), I've been working on them, but it's an uphill battle some days.

Lately, I'm so short on sleep I think I'm going to have to give up on it again. My therapist had been helping me work through it, but lots of terrible setbacks lately and I'm beyond frustrated with trying to rest. Sleep seems like the biggest tease!!!!

I have intrusive thoughts, nightmares, anxiety when I wake up, not enough time for good sleep, and then disruptions by my daughter, and loud fights sometimes at night that just deliver me right back to my childhood when a lot of being in bed was trying to sleep through shouting.

Last night was another terrible one. I feel so defeated. I have therapy today, and already wrote out a beautiful essay about the issue I wanted to tackle, but ended up sending a desperate, not-so-pretty blow-by-blow of the sleep issue to my T instead late last night.

I was in a hit and run car wreck on Saturday too, and have had a horrendous couple of weeks, so... I'm really drained right now. I feel I will never ever be well rested again, like I'll never catch up.

I've been trying a lot of things to make it better, but nothing's helping right now.

How do you all cope? I have a 60 hour workweek, full time college coursework, and need to manage my household not to mention raise my daughter well. Sigh.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so sorry sleep is hard to come by right now especially. I can imagine especially after the hit and run, it would be much worse.

I have had sleep troubles all my life and it is the worst. But I feel for you - especially with your work schedule and course work and daughter! I don't know how you do it all. I think you are amazing.

When I am super sleep deprived and I have done all the things I know to make me sleepy and it still doesn't work, the only thing that works - and it is hard to do sometimes - is to empty my mind. This was always very difficult because it kind of feels like inhaling but not exhaling. Then I started a mindful meditation practice and it helped me when I tried to empty my head because I would focus on what my body was feeling. Then there wasn't a terrifying blankness. When I can do this, I can drop off then. I sort of observe what's happening.

The trick for me is to let go of thinking, which again I find difficult but doable.

Sometimes I just accept I won't be getting any substantial sleep and try to get a nap in the next day, but with your schedule I can imagine that is next to impossible!

I hope you get some sleep soon!

 

[Leah123]

Thanks so much. :) I just feel like I have no time to catch up on sleep. I can fall asleep, mostly, I just... struggle w/everything around it, and then, when I don't get enough sleep, like this last.... ok, this last eight years, lol, I do not know how I'll ever find the time to catch up on it. It is my schedule, partly, but I have a brand new boss, so I don't even want to ask for a few hours off to catch up or anything. I just feel like it's unsolvable. I must be wrong, but... it feels hopeless. It's a... two steps forward three steps back issue lately.

I should have explained too, last night was so terrible because my daughter stayed up 3 hours late, she couldn't sleep. Our routines have been disturbed a lot lately, so I've been trying to help her sleep, but it's not working yet. It was a very ugly night, I was so tired, I don't know how I handled it, sometimes I can't even tell if I'm being at all reasonable or not. I hate to be so tired that I can't be a perfect mother for her. It kills me, all the stress and failure.

 

[Mommyof5]

I know exactly what you mean. Sleep is so hard to come by around here. At least for me.

Between 12:00 am-5:00 am I am up at least twice an hour to help my 3 yr old and 18 mo. old in their sleep. Once they settle down, around 5:30 am or so, I am up every 20 min. telling my ADD twin boys to be quiet, stop jumping around, stop yelling, stop fighting...

The lack of a peaceful, restful, entire 7-8 hours of sleep, makes me imagine blowing my brains out. Not that I really will, but in those moments all you want to do is give up. You get angry and irrational, and at least I keep asking myself, "When will I get one night, even just one morning, of peace?"

I hope yours comes soon, and know that you are not alone in this deprived sleep state of mind.
- Mommyof5 <3

 

[Leah123]

Yes, I wanna be dead.

I told my therapist. We talked an hour and a half.

It didn't help.

Thanks for your post, I don't know why it's so bad, but to not be able to sleep, and to get woken up a lot in my sleep, to get woken by screaming... I can't bear it.

 

[Leah123]

"When will I get one night, even just one morning, of peace?"

That's just how I feel. I told my therapist, and meant it, that I wanted to kill myself because I feel very unsure of whether I'll ever be rested. I am so weary that I can hardly bear it, emotionally, physically, spiritually, just tired.

It's like a flashback for sure, an endless seeming loop through the frightening nights of my childhood and the hopeless nights as a mother, going without sleep, so very long to help my daughter, until all that was left was anger and despair. This is one of my darkest places. It's all because I am so far past my limits, my mother's visit, the trauma work, the hit and run car accident... they all added up a little too high, my seemingly endless stamina has run out.

I'm trying hard to recuperate, to be gentle, to find an ounce of compassion. I'm managing, but it's a hard process, hope is foreign to me right now.

Thank you very much for your empathy and sharing. I know you know, as a mother, with PTSD, the unique stress this is.

 

[Abstract]

Oh I am so sorry Leah. It sounds totally intolerable. :(

I am so sorry about the accident. You have great timing I must say. Remember that this intensity will pass even though I am sure that does little for you in the now.

Have you told your husband how you are feeling? The best thing for all concerned at present may be for you to leave the two of them for a day. I can only imagine how you are after mother, sleep, accident and your responsibilities as a mother. Can someone come and spend a night with your husband and daughter?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Part of sleep hygiene is shedding all possible non-essential energy drains.

Leah123, your description of your life could have been mine a few years ago. The workload you have posted would exhaust even the healthiest most resilient human being on the planet.

We simply cannot be healthy nor a good parent without adequate down time to rest, even if we don't sleep. I had to accept that I couldn't do it all, and it still is a struggle.

I hope you can shed some of those responsibilities because it's not good for you or anyone you care about to have such an excessive workload.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks, BloominWinter, it's a struggle. I need the hours of work to pay bills, I'm already in debt. I'm working hard on my daughter's sleep issues, that helps some. I've been consciously asking my husband to share more household responsibilities, and taking shortcuts where I can to cut down on housework and nonessentials.

Summer is hard, because my daughter's out of school and my routine is disrupted. I can manage better ususally, but it's true, I don't have the resiliency for my mother's visit, the trauma work and the car accident on top of it all.

I did go back to school so I could change jobs though, get something 40 hours a week instead of 60... I hope, when my degree's done in March 2015. I'm trying to devote another session with my therapist to sleep also, just seems I can't even do that right at the moment. Sigh. But, my class this month is actually "Personal Health" and I'm devoting my project to improving my sleep, ha. I just hope I can pull through until I start to feel some relief.

 

[Leah123]

Have you told your husband how you are feeling? The best thing for all concerned at present may be for you to leave the two of them for a day. I can only imagine how you are after mother, sleep, accident and your responsibilities as a mother. Can someone come and spend a night with your husband and daughter?

Thanks Abstract. Well, I did not tell my husband just how down I felt, but I did tell him I was very tired, stressed from the week, and achy from the crash. He's been kind about it, ran me a hot bath last night, run a couple errands for us so I didn't have to. We've had a heavy week already in the wake of my mother's visit- very stressful, sigh. I don't see a way to get away from them right now, but.. my in-laws are going to let my daughter spend Sunday & Weds. night with them next week I think, so I can keep my therapy appointments and have a couple quiet days.

I hope I feel better if I keep trying to... so far, seems like the best I can get to is apathetic. :(

 

[Abstract]

I am glad you are asking for help and sharing more. I think we can make our lives so much more difficult by trying to keep it all to ourselves. I know I have anyway. Remember you don't have to hold yourself to some idea of what you should be able to cope with. Anyone dealing with what you are would be coming apart at the seams.

You need to rest and rebuild and its OK doing whatever you can to do that. I went for a year with one or less hours a night and I just about went insane.

Things can get better so hang in there. Its amazing how you are helping your daughter with sleep.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Does your husband have a 60 hour work week? If not, it's time for a serious talk about needs and responsibilities.