General Going to See a Therapist...

[blue_eyed_angel]

Well, I go back tonight for my second session. Last week went really well. I am still feeling nervous and anxious. My b/f finds out some important things today. So hopefully I will find them out before I go in to see the therapist. Because I really would like to talk to him about what we find out. I whole heartedly don't want to lose my relationship with my boyfriend. I know that we have only been together for almost 6 months now. But I am so in love with him. He has told me in the last few weeks that he loves me and that he's not saying that we can't have a future together. But he really needs to know in his heart that he can be ok with the things that I am willing to commit to him. I am almost 23. Will be in like 7 days. That's the one down fall that I have... That I am ONLY 23! But I believe that everyone has a choice in what happens or what path they choose to go down in life. And I want nothing more than to take that path with him. I just don't know how to get him to understand the things that I am willing to commit to him. That's what I struggle with the most I guess. He knows what I want. But I know that he needs to find it in his heart first before we can go anywhere with our relationship at this point. He talks about me being young and there's a possibility that I may want to explore other men.. blah..blah..blah... But honestly I know that I would never do that to him!!! I am so much in love that I don't want to be with another man!!! I am doing O.k. with us taking a break I guess. It's really hard though! I mean we talk on the phone at least once a day. And we see each other at least twice a week. So I mean we haven't completely cut off communication with each other. And that is one thing that I can honestly say, is that we have very communication. There's nothing that I think he keeps from me and there's nothing that I keep from him! He's always straight forward and honest with me. But I am just not sure if he can accept things or not....

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

So, Wednesday night I had my second therapy session. And let's just say that we opened "Pandora's Box" so to speak. Which is something that I guess I wasn't completely prepared for. My "T" thinks that I have a pattern of co-dependence. I knew that in my heart, but to have someone else point that out to you is kinda hard to take in. I am a very introverted type of person. I don't have many friends. I tend to keep to myself most of the time. I am more than willing to do things for others without wanting anything in return. Which he pointed out is not necessarily a good thing. That I have needs that need to be fulfilled as well. He said that since I have a pattern of co-dependence that that might be the reason why I am so quick to accept the current situation with my b/f. There is a sense of security by being with him. And in a way I feel he is kinda right.

The hardest thing for me seeing a "T" is that you are sitting there and have to open up about what's inside. I usually keep things hidden within myself. Which I know is not healthy. But I would rather keep these things to myself than have someone know the imperfections in me. That maybe I am not "normal". That's very nerve racking for me. And I don't know why... I don't want people to think that I am crazy! I know that I am not crazy. I just happen to have a very full plate at the moment. Trying to juggle a full time job, full time college night classes, and dealing with the current situation with my b/f.

Well, that's all for now... Will write more later.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

So.. I continue...

This past Wednesday was my 23rd B-Day!! I had the best day that I have had in a long time. I went shopping and then my b/f took me out for lunch. When he took me back to my place he decided to reassure me about us taking a break. He told me that I need to get out and live a little before he can allow me to make such a committment to him. That over the next few months he wants me to go out and have fun. Maybe go on a couple of dates. And that I need to not feel guilty about anything that I choose to do. Then in a couple of months after I have done this if I still feel like I want to be with him then maybe he can accept the things that I am willing to sacrifice for him. I don't know. I feel so very confused. I mean I love him dearly! He told me that he knew that he was a lot to take on. As far as mental wise. And yes he is very hard to take in sometimes. He walks around pissed off at the world most of the time! And I know that I am not the cause of it. Mostly it's the situation that he's going through. And to be honest I don't see how he does it. I see where he is coming from on wanting to take a break. He's right he has lived a lot, been through a lot, and seen a lot. And I haven't. But I have been taking his advice. He doesn't know this and I won't tell him unless something comes of it but I gave a guy at work my phone number the other day. He wants me to get out and live a little.. well then I guess that I will!!! The old saying "ask and you shall receive". But at the same time in the back of my mind I know that I will not be able to fully open up to someone knowing that I am still technically dating him. But he wants me to have no regrets. And I know that if anything were to ever happen between us then he is someone that I want to be in my life forever. He is so much more than a boyfriend to me. He already holds such a special place in my heart that no one will ever fill. And he knows that and feels the same way about me. He doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life either. And I mean really who does?? Nobody wants to go through life and not have someone love them. I remember when we first started dating he told me once that he didn't feel like he deserved to be loved, but maybe he was wrong. He also told me the other day that if I wanted to continue to go to therapy then he would pay for it. I don't feel like he should have to pay for it. I am going to benefit me. And to be honest I haven't felt this good in a long time. I feel that it is really paying off. And I want to continue going. I feel that there are things that stem from my last relationship that unfortunately I am carrying over into our relationship without even realizing it. Kinda like the co-dependence thing. I never seen that in our relationship. Because I don't really rely on him like I did my ex-fiance. I used to depend on him for everything (i.e. financial support and everything else) And that is one thing that I will never do with my current b/f. I have never asked him for a dime. I mean if I got into a bind then I know that I could always ask him and he would help me out. But I guess that I am relying on him for more emotional support. Which is something that I really didn't have in my last relationship. My b/f told me the other night that he needs to know that if something ever happened to him or my family that I will be able to take care of myself on my own.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

Ok so last night I had kind of a revelation to my whole situation! I finally figured out some of what is causing the co-dependency problem. As you all know me and my b/f decided to take a break from each other about a month ago. We are down from seeing each other from 5 days a week to only once. But we are still routinely calling each other at least 3 times a day. On a regular schedule. It dawned on me last night that I am in my heart even though I know that he is still there I have the feeling that I need to talk to him and know what he is up to. Do you know what I mean? It's like I have to have that reassurance there. Which I know is not healthy. We went on our first date back in May and have been together ever since then. Our relationship got pretty serious really quickly. I know that if it weren't for the fact that we got so serious then we wouldn't be as close as we are today. And I am not saying that that is a bad thing. But at the same time that's what I think kicked in my co-dependency needs or issue with it :rolleyes:. He is in the process of getting himself together and that is absolutely great :smile: and he is not going to let anything stop him from doing that either. So now that I have kinda started to figure things out (even though it is a little bit at a time) I feel so much better inside about the whole situation that we are in. I am so excited to talk with my therapist tomorrow night and tell him what caused the light to come on finally! But it's going to be a slow process for me. But I feel now that I can do this. And I need to realize that guys are going to come and guys are going to go. And if it comes to a point then I know the old saying "If you love someone then you have to let them go. And if it is truly meant to be then they will come back to you." I don't want our relationship to come to that but, if it does then I know that I will and always love a great man. And I have so many things to be thankful to him for.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

So, I have been down the last few days :( I haven't talked to my b/f since Wednesday and he won't answer my calls or return any of them. I am kinda worried but I don't want to make to big of a deal incase he has just been busy. But this is completely out of character for him. Which strikes me as a red flag. I almost feel like he is pushing me away slowly. I feel like he is doing this slowly to eventually completely break things off with me. But I don't know I am so d**n confused!!!!

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

So my b/f finally called me on Friday night. He talked for maybe a whole 10 minutes. He knew that I had plans to go out with a friend from work. And when we got on the phone he starts telling me about how he might be going out with some of his friends. I am thinking the whole time "What in the h*ll do you mean you are going out with friends??" Because since we started dating 6 months ago we have been out "TWICE" that's it. And it really really p*ssed me off!!!!! He can go out with his friends whenever he feels necessary, but won't even take me out to dinner?? :wall: So, that night when I went out, my friend introduced me to two guys. They were both very nice. I ended up drinking probably more than I should have. And I ended up leaving the bar that night with one of the guys that I met and stayed the night at his place. Which is something that I would normally not do. Let's just say that I did things that I am not necessarily proud of, but at the same time I feel not one bit of guilt. :think: Then Saturday I had to do some shopping and was on my way home. Well, you can see his driveway from the highway and there was this girl's car parked in his driveway. She is supposedly his sisters friend, but my question is: Why was she at his house?? I haven't asked him about this because I don't want him to think that I was checking in on him. So, my friend that I went out with the night before called me to see if I wanted to go out again that night. I was still beyond p*ssed so I agreed to go out again. But that night I only had 2 drinks. So I knew what was going on. I ran into the guy that I had stayed the night with the night before and we got to talking and joking around. And then I ended up leaving the bar with him for a while and about 45 minutes later we went back to the bar. (Note: still totally out of character for me!!!) So I ended up leaving the bar on Saturday night with the same guy we went riding around with this guy and other girl. We dropped them off and we ended up back at his place around 4 a.m. Sunday morning. I left his place and didn't get home on Sunday til like noon. Still having not one single regret about anything that I did. Which saddens me in a way, because my b/f has "no clue" what happened this whole weekend. I am feeling like I need to confess what happened. :dontknow: This weekend also has made me really think that I need to end my relationship with my b/f. As I feel like I have sacrificed so much of my happiness being with him. Never saying anything to him when he p*sses me off or anything. I realized that I am young. I need to get out and live!!!! He is 36 and has way to much going on in his life right now. And mentally for me I just can't take it anymore!!! I know that I will always love him. But I am feeling like it is time that I move on. I am so hurt inside that it has come to this. But at the same time I know that I need to be thinking about myself and what is best for me. And right now that's just the way that I feel.

 

[Nicolette]

Your whole situation sounds very unhealthy blue eyed girl as while you may feel you have nothing to feel guilty about sleeping with other men is not the best way to deal with the issues you have with your boyfriend. From previous experience if a guy doesn't take you out in public there is generally a really good reason which he would never admit to despite the excuses he may make. I'm praying that another woman isn't the situation with him but it sounds a bit like it.

Take care and do what's best for you. I would however recommend you deciding what you want and going with that rather than getting yourself into a messy situation with two guys.

 

[tardis]

Blue eyed girl, I have PTSD and I would choose my girl over my mates any day. Besides which, were I ill, I would not be buggering off with others either. I would be hiding at home by myself. It doesn't sound right to me, him wanting to be off with others and never you. I agree with Nicolette, it sounds unhealthy and maybe you should re-think it. You deserve better than that I reckon.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

Thank You Nicolette & tardis! I have finally realized that I need to decide what I want for "MY LIFE". And not base my decisions on what I think is best for my b/f. Which is so what I have been doing. I know deep down in my heart what I did this weekend is so not the answer or a solution to my problem!! I talked to my b/f and confessed everything that happened this weekend. I told him that the reason why I drank so much and probably did the things that I did was because I was p*ssed off at him. He tells me in response, "What I do with my friends is really none of your business and I was married for 15 years and never answered to her and I am not about to start now." And he is right. I don't expect him to answer to me. And I think that it is great that he is actually going out and not isolating himself in his room like he had been. But at the same time he completely missed the point about why it upset me like it did.

Thank you tardis for saying that I deserve better. I know deep down in my heart that I do deserve so much better.

And Nicolette I feel the same way you do. I question whether or not there is another woman involved... I just don't know!

 

[Nicolette]

He tells me in response, "What I do with my friends is really none of your business and I was married for 15 years and never answered to her and I am not about to start now." And he is right. I don't expect him to answer to me.

I am obviously from a different school of thought as while your boyfriend does not have to answer to you, I would expect he would tell you out of common decency based on you being in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with him.....that is if he had nothing to hide. If you were being a pain in the butt and questioning everything that is different. However the response of those words alone sets of warning signals in my brain.

My normal expectations of a relationship is that you are allowed to have some interest in what the other person does especially if it affects you.

Mind you, on the other hand, I don't see what you did due to being p*ssed off as a good way of handling things either. If I was a male and you went out and cheated on me on the grounds of being cheesed off I would probably end the relationship - one for cheating, two being that is not really a very good way of handling a problem and I'm sorry but alcohol is not an excuse in my books.

In relation to the other behavioural issues, Anthony says that it can be symptomatic of someone with PTSD to want to go out with mates (no hassle) versus a partner which means potential effort. It would also be easier to sleep with someone and have casual sex than with someone you are in a relationship again as once again the relationship needs more effort than just sex.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

If you were being a pain in the butt and questioning everything that is different. However the response of those words alone sets of warning signals in my brain.

Exactly!!! I didn't question anything about him going out! NOTHING! And he throws that at me :think: I would never expect him to do what I say or don't do something because of me. He is his own person and can make his own decisions.

Mind you, on the other hand, I don't see what you did due to being p*ssed off as a good way of handling things either. If I was a male and you went out and cheated on me on the grounds of being cheesed off I would probably end the relationship - one for cheating, two being that is not really a very good way of handling a problem and I'm sorry but alcohol is not an excuse in my books.

I agree with you here. But I must make one point though. He told me that when we decided to take a break that he wanted me to go out and meet people. He told me that if I met someone and wanted to exchange numbers and go out on a date with them that I should have no regrets.

You know I really wish that I could share the whole story as to why we are taking a break. Then I think that people would see this whole situation completely different. But I don't feel that I can share it with the whole world! And would never dream of it.

Not that I am saying everyone should take my side nor am I making excuses for what I did. I am just saying that this situation is f*cked up no matter how you look at it if you knew the whole thing.

 

[Nicolette]

. He told me that when we decided to take a break that he wanted me to go out and meet people. He told me that if I met someone and wanted to exchange numbers and go out on a date with them that I should have no regrets.

Blue_eyed_angel I forgot that you are "on a break". Unfortunately, in my world, that means you are technically single and he and/or you can sleep with whomever with no consequence. Neither of you are cheating on each other if "the break" included going out and meeting other people. PTSD aside, if a guy I had been dating said that I would pretty much consider the relationship over. I dislike the "take a break mentality" as if you can't sort out your issues in a relationship well then you have little hope apart.

I wish you happiness and with that thought I recommend you move on and don't even keep calling this guy your BF as in reality he is not and you are only kidding yourself.