Good Job Interview With One Bad Ptsd Patch

[Hashi]

I've been off work for nearly a year and only started looking for a new job recently. I still don't really feel ready to go back to work but I have to, financially, so I have to hope that it'll be OK.

I had my first job interview today. Although it generally went well and I'm very thankful for that, at one point I had a PTSD brain stoppage and obviously couldn't explain that to them. They'd asked me a basic technical question to test my knowledge and my mind not only blanked but I went into unreality and struggled to make myself care and answer anything. I wanted to put my head down on the table and sleep. Or just sit looking out of the window for the rest of the afternoon.

I forced myself to respond. They'd asked me to map it out on a piece of paper, and I wrote about 1/10th of what should have been the answer, but I put it in backwards order, plus I wrote something completely wrong and idiotic. I said my mind had gone blank from interview nerves, but that didn't make any sense. It's the most basic technical question they could ask and what I did wasn't just forgetting, it was bizarre.

I answered the remaining technical questions without any problems, some of them much harder, but I couldn't go back to the first one and give the right answer because my mind was still in shut down about it and it still is even now. I've looked it up in a book and I can't take in what it says.

The rest of the interview was fine, I answered some things better than others but nothing terrible.

:cry:

I feel really exposed, like I might as well have a big sign over my head saying "Can mostly pass for normal but with some psychotic breaks". I'm wondering if this is how it's going to be if/when I start work. Managing OK then disconnecting and acting weird in front of people. I realise that this isn't unusual for PTSD, but I'm usually super-controlled and thought I'd been doing much better recently anyway.

I doubt they'll offer me the job, but if they did I'd feel so embarrassed about this. The only good thing was that I wasn't bothered about it in the rest of the interview because at that point I was still in a weird space where I didn't care.

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry that happened in the interview. I have done the same thing. Also I don't like it the times I have been addressing a room full of people and suddenly - poof! I am outside, separate, looking in and searching for continuity.

I like to think in interviews when that happens that some part of me knows it isn't the job for me and was making its opinion known. I don't know if that's true, but it works for me.

But I totally empathize though, especially when you need the job and know the answer. You handled the whole situation like a pro I think. I like how you responded to what happened with them, and the fact that you went on and answered the rest of the questions show you know your stuff.

I used to hire people and I could tell when they knew their stuff but were just thrown temporarily. It's as human as it gets.

 

[Leah123]

I've spent a few years as a hiring manager, doing lots of interviews, and a couple more as a career consultant. I just wanted to congratulate you on working through that lapse so well and on getting the interview in the first place. It's still a tough job market. I appreciate that what happened to you is related to your PTSD symptoms, but... just wanted to give you the perspective that this particular gaffe, to miss a question and blank out on it, happens to all kinds of job candidates for different reasons, and I hope you will not feel unduly embarrassed about it. Also... it was your FIRST interview! Pat yourself on the back, eh? Hehe. Interviews are hard for the majority in my experience, and the first one is a true challenge. Best of luck with your search!!!

 

[ashdawn8287]

I wish you luck on your job search!! Don't stress the interview, they expect you to be nervous. I doubt you were as bizarre as you think you were. Anyways good job on going to the interview! I know how difficult it is to muster up the nerve for that with ptsd.

 

[mamachick]

Hashi-kudo's to you. I applaud you on your first interview and keeping it in perspective. I agree with Leah, people blank out and stumble for all kinds of reasons. I find interviews really tough and do feel exposed. Like a fish in a fishbowl.

I want to apply and interview -more for the practice than finding work at the time. I dont think I am ready but do think the interviews would be good practice for me and challenging. I think I would do better without the pressure of really wanting the job.

I think you did really well, especially for your first interview. Now, is it a job that you really want?

 

[Hashi]

Thank you all for your encouragement. I'm trying to believe it wasn't so terrible.

brat, I would like the job. It was a funny one for me to apply for - completely outside the sector I normally work in, a different sort of role and an odd commute. I even had to buy something to wear to the interview, which is a big deal since I'm on a zero spend budget, but none of my clothes would have suited the company culture. It was one of my wild card applications but I liked them and think I'd like the job. I'd also like *** AN INCOME *** :woot:

At the same time, I'll be so relieved if I don't get it and don't have to cope with working. :nailbiting:

Whatever happens, it was really good interview practice. I think it's a good idea of yours to get some practice with jobs that you don't feel under big pressure about.

 

[Hashi]

Well, I got the job! (Assuming nothing falls through.) So I'm just going to have to get over the embarrassment of the interview.

Actually, the interview experience has made me think about how I need to manage things. What worked and what didn't, in terms of functioning and communicating.

They wanted me to start on Monday but I can't because I have an extended therapy session to talk about trauma. Then I start with them the next day. I've been thinking about the symbolism of this. My tendency is to see it as a double life - my secret that they don't know about, my difference from other people. I think instead I need to see it more as integration - healing alongside living my practical life. That both are possible.

It's also interesting to me that I can't afford therapy at the moment, but borrowed money to have a few sessions because I felt I needed to do some particular trauma processing before returning to work. This couldn't be more literally doing some trauma processing before returning to work.

I'm nervous, especially starting so soon, but if the universe has arranged it then I'm going to trust that it's meant to happen like this.

Assuming I really do have a job and it all goes ahead - I CAN AFFORD THERAPY AGAIN!!

 

[Abstract]

Oh yay!!!:):laugh::woot: Throwing some streamers around for Hashi!

Sooo glad for you. I was going to say that when I have interviewed and hired people one of the main things I look at is how they will fit in and less concrete qualities. It isn't perfection. Just that they have enough knowledge or a good CV and references.

Also what we know is strange and what other people perceive can be two different things. They are not in our brains to see the dissociation etc! Oh and I do what you describe quite a lot. It seems to be one of my specialities.

Perfection isn't required to still be valuable and do a good job.

I think integration is a much better way of approaching it and I probably need to look at this myself. My life is extremely compartmentalised.

So your magical child guided you right after all. ;-)

 

[Abstract]

If you want to share your thoughts about the integration thing at some point, somewhere, then that would be nice.

 

[Leah123]

OMG, Hashi, WAY TO GO!!!! (Wonders if shouting is bad, haha.) I am so excited for you. Congratulations!

 

[piratelady]

That's wonderful Hashi!! :woot:

 

[Hashi]

If you want to share your thoughts about the integration thing at some point, somewhere,

If anyone else can share thoughts about this, that would be nice for me! It's a new idea because until now I compartmentalised things very much too. I think I probably needed to, but I feel like it's time to try something else now.

I don't know what it might look like, but I want to find a way to be authentic and still feel I can fit in with other people in a non-trauma context.

I might start a thread about it at some point.