Good - No Great New Changes Coming My Way!

[pandora]

As some of you know I have had a crazy couple of months. Well actually the majority of the last year. Crazy landlord and then now a neighbor that I now have to ignore because of his innapropriate behaviour.

My lease will be up in about 7 months. My Mom said yesterday that if we can find a duplex or house with an inlaw suite she will pay the downpayment and as long as we have separate living quarters, it could work. We will be in our own home, no more renting. I sold my house when i went to live in Edmonton with my second husband and then moved home....left everything there and had to go bankrupt...that was 7 years ago. My bankruptcy is over....I have dreamt of having my own home and the sense of security it made me feel. This is awesome..this is great and a dream come true!!!!!!! I really hope we can find something.....that is a great thing to look forward to. My brother already spoke to two of his friends that are real estate agents.....I think I am still in shock.

I know that if we find something sooner, I already have a doctors note that I should not be doing the stairs here, so if I need to I can break my lease earlier and legal.

Please say a prayer that this works......It would also give my son a sense of security because I will never move again. ...the time I felt the happiest when it was my home, an investment and something I took care and pride in decorating. It would be nice to have that feeling again!!!!! My Mom also would have me to help as she is getting older....

It almost seems to good to be true but I know my Mom sounded like she really wanted to do it as she is in an apartment now and always mentions how much she misses owming her own home too. As long as it is two separate dwellings....we can do it!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

I wish you good luck, but ask you to think long and hard about this first. Re-read your diary, and the frustrations with your mother and how she makes you feel when you have bad days. How she belittles you when the laundry or dishes aren't done.

She will be living in the same building, feet away from your door and will have access to your home all the time. I am not trying to put a negative spin on this. Personally I could give a shit about your mother, my main concern is YOU, your son and your mental health.

Are you thinking this through totally or is the thoughts of being in your own home clouding your judgment??????

 

[pandora]

I think that if it is separate it will be ok....I do accept the way she can be as I am understanding her. She will never change but I thik it will make her happier too and the only reason my house has not been up to date is because of my back....I usually live in a spotless organized home and if it is my own I know I will make it as nice as I can. If I am having a bad day or she deceides to start with her belittling....I accept it..it is not a perfect situation but it would be better than where I am and have been. I am learning to let what she says roll off my shoulders, knowing that the next day or hour she will be ok again. I really think she wants to help and she really has been trying....

I also don't have to answer the door if I don't want to...just pretend I am sleeping. She likes her privacy too and I don't think she would be over that often because she will have her own spot. I really have a positive feeling. In reading my diary...yes, she can be rotten but she is 80% better than what she ever was. You can't imagine how angry she used to be but we would also have to set boundaries and that if she calls and I don't answer, i am buzy with Devon, sick or asleep.

Maybe I am living in a dream world...the opportunity seems to good to be true but she is older and is mellowing, I think it could work and if it doesn't.....I have moved and survived alot more...I will just deal with it and take it one day at a time. I also will continue to have mental health come in and they can monitor the situation as well.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

While I am NOT trying to make you change your mind, as you are a grown woman and able to make your own decisions, I want to point out a few flaws in your thinking....I also wasn't pointing out that your house wasn't up to par clean, I was using it as an example of your mothers behavior.

Letting what she says roll off your back isn't the most healthy ways of dealing with her either, and in fact will make you sicker in the long run. Standing your ground, putting down strong boundaries and sticking to them is a better way. Possibly sitting down with her NOW and discussing everything, setting the boundaries NOW would be a better guide for you to see if she can adhere to them.

Pretending to be asleep or using Devon as an excuse is nothing more than avoidance, and not the most healthy way to deal with things either. Also letting the mental health people monitor the situation is OK, but it isn't their place to run guard dog for you either. You are a big girl Pand, and IMO you need to work on being more assertive, setting boundaries, and looking at the bigger picture, rather than just a portion of the puzzle.

Again, I am not trying to change your mind, just pointing out flaws in your thinking and trying to help you find more effective ways to deal with things NOW rather than later.... Harsh yes, but I do care. If I didn't I wouldn't respond to you at all.....

 

[Grama-Herc]

Pand,

Finally, something I can help you with. You are always helping me, so now I can return the favor.

As you know I moved mother in with me last year. We have spent the last year doing very well BECAUSE weeach have our own space.

I live on the top floor of a 2 bedroom townhouse and have a living room and a bedroom( large bedroom converted to living room)

Mother lives on the bottom floor(dining room converted to bedroom).

We don't fight, we get along fairly well. As with ll families there are spats, but all in all it is working. The fact that we each have "OUR OWN SPACE" isthekey. The only place we seem to have any problems is the kitchen and everybody knows 2 women in a kitchen does not work.

With the 2 of you in separate living quarters I see no reason why it won't work for you. Mother and I sat down and talked out the bills and especially the issue of privacy way before we ever started this venture.

Now don't get me wrong, we have had our spats. This can't be avoided when any 2 people live together. Mother has only had to tell me 2 times that I needed to go "home"! That was a rules we set early on. If it gets to tense or she feels the need, all she has to do is tell me to "go home" and I go up stairs. In turn, if I get overloaded, I simply say "I'm going home" and if I get to stressed I tell her I need some "ME" time and she leaves me alone.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I'm so excited to share the success of our arrangement. I wish the same for you. With a little compromise and communication it will work for you too.

I know it is a great setup and that it can work. I wish you and your mother well!

 

[FlameTachiku]

Home sweet home

Pand,

I am very close to my mom, emotionally. But, she can push my buttons like no one else. I have learned to set solid boundries and she will push them but I don't budge. As soon as I feel the heart start to race and the stress shoot up I repectfully change the situation. If that does not work we part space, period, 100% of the time.

I think you can do the same thing if you had separate spaces. It a uncomfortable transition in relationship at first, but then it just becomes a part of the relationship. It is very possible to have a stronger healtheir relationship for you, within close proximity.

Flame

 

[nic]

I hope it all works out for you, Pand.

 

[midi]

I hope it works out and that separate spaces are maintained.

 

[becvan]

Pand this is probably the worst idea out of a long list of bad ideas, that I have ever heard.

You want to buy a house with your mother. Hmm.. now let's think about this. Your mother, whom you have a rocky relationship with at best, will be in control of the finances. You will be financially in debt to her. You will be living right beside her.

This is a good idea? Go and re-read your diary. One day it's good with her the next you have a melt down. There is NO stability there. You have OFTEN complained about how money is held over your head by her and yet now your going to willing give her more ammo?

I don't know where your head is at, but it's not thinking clearly. Nothing good will come of this and you will just wind up homeless by the end of it. This is not a healthy decision. This is an escapism. Hiding from answering the door is not going to resolve the pile of issues you have with your mother.

I won't say another word.

bec

 

[tude]

If it were me, I'd rather be homeless living in my car. Unlike you, I will not accept belittling or any type of disrespect or abuse... absolutely none. It saddens me that anyone would knowingly find that type of behavior acceptable. But hey, that's me. This is your life and your decision... do what you want.

Just a reminder, there are other ways to acquire the financial assistance needed to buy a home.

tude

 

[pandora]

Wow...this sure did give me a lot to think about and I will again to agree to disagree with some and not others. Everyone is going to have there own opinion and that is what a forum is all about. In the end I have to make the decision and I have a lot of thinking and planning to do...I will respond more when I am not so tired.

It has kind of left me speachless to some extent and it still amazes me how people can have an opinion and show tact while others here seem to just want to lash out when this is supposed to be a site where we help each other and share things. If you have nothing good to say then PLEASE REALLY don't say another word. You don't know all of the circumstances, my reasoning and thinking and how I feel about it, why I THINK IT IS A GOOD idea. I would never end up homeless as I can support myself financially as I make more on LTD than most people do working. It is a situation for us to both help each other and yes she pushes my buttons and can be abusive, I have also stated in my diary that I am amazed at how helpful she has been too...not just the negative.I have made many bad decisions in my lifetime but this is definately not one of the worst ones, I also stated that she has changed 80% and my friend has been helping us repair our damaged relationship, she has changed but she also has bad days as you and I and the forum members. She is accepting help from MY friend and she is teaching her how to be a mother to me because she lost her ability so many years ago.

Before my Dad died she was NOT abusive to me but she has also lead a very hard life...before meeting my father. I am giving my mother a chance,I have forgiven her. Having community mental health in was to help us set goals and to have them be able to come in and make sure those boundaries are being met and that it is a healthy relationship because she knows I want the best for my son as she does. She has always loved him and loves him and she treats him very well...she has been sooo much better....so again i will agree to disagree with you bec but unfortunately I really do but your post could have been a little more tactful...or maybe not needed at all. It is fine for anyone to respond to the thread and maybe I just perceive them wrong but that is just me. I would not be financially in debt to her forever and I will say it again...I have NEVER been financially indebted to my mother, have supported myself since 15. She is also thinking of this as investment and because my son has a disaibility and will probably require assistance even as an adult. She is getting up there in years and this would give him stability and his own apartment with me next door, giving us the space we need. Yes...I can make bad decisions but this is not the worst one...She is trying to help us now...she is learning how the PTSD affects my moods and when things get out of hand she is the same way now and wants he own space.I am adult enough to know and realize she has emotional and mental health issues of her own and she likes her space, peace and quiet too. When she flies off the handle as I do or we do here on the forum..yes it affects me, I have PTSD...when my son has a meltdown and increased anxiety...it affects me.....I have PTSD and I am doing everything possible to accept her and forgive her for not being a great mother all of the time. We also lived in the same apartment building...one level from one another, yes we had our differences but helped each other if needed..that was for three years. We also have done alot of growth and healing since this time. We would have two separate living areas, totally isolated from one another.

This is definately not escaping the issues I have with her it is dealing with them head on with others involved,I have been dealing with this in therapy for the last couple of years and we now have a relationship. It still needs alot of work but two years in therapy compared to 20 years of on and off relationships takes alot of hard work much forgiveness and healing. In my therapy I am working an making better choices and decisions and of course this will be a big part of it too...I am not taking this decision lightly at all.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

I have thought all day long over your response to what has been said in your thread and have come to the conclusion that the only thing I can do is give you some reputation for standing up for yourself, setting boundaries for *us bullies* and telling you, that you did good...

I truly do hope that if you go through with this, that things work out well for you , Devon and your mother. I think the stability of not having to move every few months will help with Devon's anxiety and your stress level also. If you can set clear boundaries with your mother as you have done so effectively here then you should have no problems at all.

Again, I do wish you the best, and only want the best for you and Devon....