Got Disability Evaluation. Sad. Help.

[GrayOwl]

I'm pretty much in the same boat. except I'm not hungry.
I'm working on accepting that my pride is wounded deeply.
I have deep feelings of loneliness, despair, anger, frustration, hopelessness.
I don't want to accept those emotional "walls".
So my life isn't going to turn out like June Cleaver's or Ozzie and Harriet. Not even close.
Shame on me for watching that crap in the first place.
And secondly, for believing it applied to me.
So here might be my inevitable outcome:
Bankruptcy, lose house and property, lose job, find cruddy little job that doesn't pay well, rely on public assistance, lose all my belongings,(can't - won"t pay for storage, bad leg, bad back, abusers walk etc., etc., etc.....
Where does this leave me?
I can probably get a small apartment out in the country on senior rent assistance in a year or two, live economically on like, nothing; I can read, fish, play games, go to the library, help other people, spend time on myPTSD - hopefully I can afford internet, even maybe get Netflix - then I can succumb to brainless monotony and endless cooking shows. It means a Spartan existence and possibly living in pain - but there is a lot of life worth living for - I do have to put one foot in front of the other and look for it though - and believe me a lot of times I would like to kick something and scream. Suicide ideation for me though is a dark avenue - I try to avoid it like the plague - it draws me in to places that are hard to get out of.
The alternatives - in all reality - might not be bad at all for me. It's FEAR of the unknown that really does a number on me.
THANK YOU FOR POSTING. That is what I do when things look ugly. Please, do more things like that....I know....sometimes it seems futile....but it IS a positive and if you try to keep those positives in your life they will help. Focus on that - positives. Look for them and try to add them to your life. The biggest one for me is feeding birds - they're always there - little beggars - but they are beautiful. Always a show.
Awesome idea Justme to order something for delivery - hope that's an option.
I try to avoid H.A.L.T. H.ungry/A.ngry/L.onely/T.ired When all four of those are going in my life - OMG! - lookout - life really looks cr*ppy.
So I hope things work out for you.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Got ride!

Gonna eat when home

And early bed

 

[hodge]

Your disability income is figured by SS by getting an average of your highest salaries for five years. That's what you will get. And I think you will get it, but it takes a while. Thank God you have savings and hopefully you shouldn't have to sell your house. I didn't. And if they run out, depending on how old you are, you may want to consider cashing in some of your 401K if you have one. I ended up running through mine to make the payments. It was well worth it.

I was denied the first time, too, then I got a disability attorney for my appeal. It was best thing I ever did. He and his assistant were incredibly supportive. He even made it so I didn't have to appear via video in front of the judge, which I was freaking out about. The judge just granted it according to what I wrote. Word of caution . . . when you do get your decision, think twice about reading what the judge writes. You'll get a whole long thing written by the judge and it's likely to be pretty disturbing. I should have taken it to my therapist to read it with me, because it was really hard to read.

Hang in there, hon!

 

[EmmaOwl]

I'm pretty much in the same boat. except I'm not hungry.
I'm working on accepting that my pride is woun...

GrayOwl, I empathize with a lot of what you've written here.
It seems to me that since I don't have a partner, I don't have children, and I don't have a job... Well I"m working hard in therapy but WHAT FOR? Quality of life. Enjoying the small things?
Is that what you're getting at in your above post? Is that what gets you putting one foot in front of the other and trying to overcome your fear?
I am all too often in the "what's the point" camp.

 

[Powder]

I'm pretty much in the same boat. except I'm not hungry.
I'm working on accepting that my pride is woun...

Your first line's wit made me smile. You're a writer who can do dark humor. I have to be in the right mood. It's rare.

So, how about, Re-write one item per day until the picture is more hopeful is my best advice after doing HALT, build up resilience beyond survival:

1. Rent out my house, retaining the attic, basement, or garage for your personal storage, separate lock. Try to break even plus a little to put in savings with the deposit for later repairs to eventually move back in or sell. Don't lose equity in house.

2. Get accommodations at work (if a large enough employer that they have to offer some) if not, don't call them that, but ask boss to allow X for better effectiveness. Ask for Y, and later Z, when you have a positive thing to say about your performance.

3. Find affordable housing to fit your budget better and simplify life day to day: Dead Link Removed
and other resources to find.

I used to manage a HUD Elderly/Disabled small, rural property that was quiet and nice, as were those who lived there, who were like a family. They even baked me homemade cinnamon rolls to welcome me. All it takes is finding some, and driving out to get a feel for them. IN fact, I lived there for free, all utilities paid, and a part time paycheck for a very easy job of taking rents and coordinating repairs, plus some new application phone call fielding.

I would do that again, as it got me out of debt fast and I liked the position. I could have even had a dog, an accessible unit (larger) and no pet rent if the dog is a service animal. I didn't need to be disabled to be a Resident Manager. But I could have lived there very cheap if I had been.

 

[GrayOwl]

GrayOwl, I empathize with a lot of what you've written here.
It seems to me that since I don't have a...

I don't know if I'm blessed, or crazy, or stupid or insane.
But I don't like being negative. I don't like feeling down and depressed.
And the closer I get to "IT" the harder it is to get out.

I often times seem "blessed" with this crazy sense, or "ability" to desire to feel better, to want happiness. To want to be happy and not wallow in self pity, or anger, or poor me's. Believe me, I've done it plenty when younger. And then it became depression and I determined that that qualified me as needy and therefore I could turn to alcohol or drugs or gambling or infidelity or other destructive coping mechanisms because I "needed" them to get better, or I deserved them because "my" life sucked.
Does that make sense?
But I was a young and selfish and egotistical male. I don't know how people survive that condition. I guess many don't. Sadly.

I have been very very fortunate (didn't use the word luck intentionally - for a reason) that I have had great people, great therapy, and great support mechanisms show up in my life. Partly because I did some leg work and perhaps also because of Divine Providence.

So today, very much because of my negative past history and the negative consequences of allowing myself to go there, I really try to nip negativism in the bud. Early. And firmly.

I have also been blessed, through the eyes and comments of others, to come to some astute realizations, that many may or may not agree with. Ones that seem to work for me.
Among them:

We don't "deserve" a beautiful life. It has to be worked for and cultivated like a garden. No work. No results. But then we might be fortunate enough to have that effort bear fruit. Often it does - it better ways than we usually plan.
I often plan the action today - I'll go do something like "this" or "that" today - but I don't demand "the" results. Acceptance. I try to accept what happens and do the best I can to steer it positively - for everyones' benefit. (No effort, no gain.)
We are bombarded with negativism. Witness in ANY media - and you will be told what YOU need to eat, wear. think, drive, sit on, sleep in, etc etc etc - and if you don't do just exactly what they say - you are worth less. I avoid and strongly filter most media because it subliminally convinces us we are unhappy and unworthy.
I stick with winners - people with positive attitudes.
I keep close to two or three mature and wise people who know me well and are honest and caring enough to tell me when they think I am heading in dark directions mentally.
I've simplified my life - I don't need material things - a couple meals, a cot, and a roof over my head most nights. Anything else is a blessing that I give thanks for. I do have other things - but they are fewer and simpler as I get older - and they are less and less material.
I also realize that I am not - and I mean I AM NOT - the center of the universe today. The world does not revolve around me. It really doesn't. I work very hard on trying to be humble. A little bit of service work every day, a smile, a hello or thank you or a "you look nice today".

Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot change.
The Courage to Change the Things I can,
And the Wisdom to Know the Difference.

It Is Not He Who Has Little,
But He Who Wants More,
Who Is Poor.

Mantras that over the past 35 years of trying to learn how to implement and practice.......I have slowly grown toward.
And today I have more happiness for it.
We all can, if we work for it.

I would love to chat or PM anytime if you like.
Have a blessed day and thank you for sharing.

Oh and in answer/response to your post:
I want to feel good. I want to enjoy life. (Yes, quality of life. Yes, small things.) It's a great feeling. I am worth it.
So are you. You truly are. It starts with the tiniest of thoughts and actions. Just like a seed.

Yes, putting one foot in front of the other has brought about rewards.
Not doing so has brought about decay.
I am happier and better off today continuing to do so.

 

[Fadeaway]

First of all, S.S. evaluaters usually have contracts with local medical offices such as local chiropractors and small family Dr.s so they can use that space instead of having their own office? Why? I guess it is some cost saving measure. :cautious: Anyways, they don't know crap. There only job is to try and figure out if you could perform basics tasks that would allow you to work as a bagger at a supermarket.

Secondly, most of my work history I made minimum wage. The highest was $10.80 an hour and I get just under $700

Third. This is just a small piece of the puzzle that decides whether or not you get it. Were you the victim of a crime? Do you have police reports? If so submit those! I was never denied as a result of the police reports on top of medical records from multiple dr.s.

Fear of the unknown is the worst. :hug:

 

[EmmaOwl]

S.S. evaluaters usually have contracts with local medical offices such as local chiropractors and small family Dr.s so they can use that space instead of having their own office? Why? I guess it is some cost saving measure. :cautious: Anyways, they don't know crap. There only job is to try and figure out if you could perform basics tasks that would allow you to work as a bagger at a supermarket.

I'd just like to stick my hand up for doctors who work with social security/disability offices - they are volunteers. Apparently, small family practices are more into volunteering than large fancy offices.

The evaluations themselves are quite standard, very specific forms, very specific questions.... and ALWAYS in addition to at least one other doctor - generally your Primary Care, plus, in the case of PTSD, a psychiatrist and/or a therapist.

And yes, their only job is to try and figure out of you could perform basic tasks that would allow you to work as a bagger at the supermarket.

Yeah it was held in a trailer. Who cares? I left that visit in tears - for several reasons, one of which was I couldn't remember three random words in the space of 10 minutes. On top of extreme embarrassment and shame.... I was also terrified that he would think I was faking.

It's NOT a good system when you look at it overall - that is certainly true. But I believe that the anger or resentment or whatever here is misdirected.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Wait wait I misunderstood. I"m sorry. When I read "evaluator" I thought you meant the doctor who conducted a medical evaluation. That's what I was talking about. Sorry about that.