Got It At 12 And Am Now 50. Certainly Doesn't Seem Temporary To Me

[Ken Haley]

What you sense is frustration. I come here to connect with people like me and more often than not people recently diagnosed (last decade or so) have no idea what I am talking about. I don't even like the term "PTSD" and never use it locally because it has come to mean so many things. Now I read people's post I just think, "That person and I have the same thing, or that person and I do not have the same thing". The term itself is now meaningless to me in that there will only be a handful of the people who will share the same symptoms as I have. The only good the term does for me is allow for a mass of people to collect in a place, like the website, where if I am lucky I can find the ones like me.

I too made a mistake in even responding to your reply and thought that even before you re-responded: I need to learn not to reply to certain messages. It was obvious you and I do not have the same problem. If that means you have PTSD and I don't, that is fine: I am fine to say I have something different. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so you want brain surgery. Or something like it. You're not going to get it.

On to plan "B".... Have you tried every other therapy out there? Cause if not, that's where you need to start. Instead of doing what you can, you are asking for something that is not only unavailable to you, but theoretical at best!

 

[Ken Haley]

Solara, Have I tried every therapy? Yes, yes, yes! After 38 years, yes! How long have you been treatment? I ask you this because if you have had this as long as I have, not only do get all treatments tried on you, but they are regurgitated every decade or so and promoted to you again. CBT, EMDR, and anything more then three years old I have tried. I tried these for years, but eventually I felt I was dealing with Snake Oil Salesmen. I tried to get a doctor to use sodium amythol during regression into the trauma as treatment and he said he had to interview me first (for $225 in 1990) then said no, but he never had any intention of using sodium amythol and probably never heard of it: He was just after the $$$. Another doctor told me to put sesame seed oil up my nose: No I did not entertain that idea, let alone try it. The new thing now is the dog and horse therapy. The funny thing is I bought a horse 8 years ago for pleasure. I groom her and care for her and I got worse at the same usual pace.

What you say about seeking available treatment may be logical if I had an endless supply of money, but I don't: I wish I had the $100,000 I spent because it was ALL wasted and I need it.

I need to ask you some serious questions:

Are therapists always right? Are they always honest? Do they always have your best interest on mind? If not how long to you try a treatment or stay with a therapist before you move on? Doctors will tell you a year or more. I have to make judgment calls all the time because a person could spend a lifetime seeing just the quacks. Should I have put sesame seed oil up my nose and if so for how many years? They told me my problem was genetic and I'd pass it down to my kids: Wrong. I believe this for a time and gave up my only change to have children. Then they said my condition was from environment. Two therapists saying different things at the same time: Who do you believe and follow? The same therapist saying "genetic" then "environmental" 10 years apart. Which statement do you believe? They told me I'd get better: Wrong. They diagnosed for 12 years then told me I was unlikely to get better because I did not get proper treatment quickly enough. Are these the people you want me to depend on helping me?

This seems like a rage, but it is not: I am sincerely looking for a logical answer to these questions.

 

[Lifeline]

It's never too late to try everything you can to get better. Sometimes, a change in perspective helps.

I probably got PTSD at around 3 or 4 (I just didn't have coping skills and anyone who loved me) and I am finally getting the help I need now.

Happiness is not a constant or a given in life.

 

[Everhopeful]

Sorry if I offend anyone, but what about the possibility of having not just chronic PTSD from early childhood trauma, and not just a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar, but also having developed a specific personality disorder from it all? I am thinking along the lines of borderline personality. A lifetime of trauma, abuse and INVALIDATION at the hands of those who are meant to be our caregivers creates a cruel, non-supportive environment in which one is forming one's personality and patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. How can one expect to learn how to be like the "norm"? Ie, emotionally well-regulated; balanced thinking; balanced behaviour? How can one expect to become a person who is free from guilt, shame, self-hate, rage, sadness, hopelessness, confusion? How can one expect to shake the feeling that this life we live is pointless and cruel?

Unlearning all of this stuff is a hell of a mission, but surely it is possible to learn more adaptive skills for living with a lot of courage and hard work?

I hate it when I sound like I have all the answers, but I need to believe there is something beyond the misery and suffering.

 

[Jugsaw]

Hi I think you are one hell of a strong person to make it this far so keep going out of sheer stubbornness please I worry you have been mislead and of course feel hopeless because of that too I have a horse I don't feel half as anxious when I'm with horses and if iv was only with horses I believe I would be fine a pony practically emotionally brought me up and I love them that's why it works for me what do you love even if its a show on tv I'm sure there's something ...but give yourself some credit for how you have survived and start changing one thing because it sounds like this is who you are now not just a condition weighing you down

 

[Britt.f7]

I wish I could help you but I don't think you are ready for help(not that I could). I've suffered from depression my entire life and all that goes with it. Diagnosed with PTSD in my twenties. Went through some intense in patient therapy. Came out better but not cured. Still suffered from depressive bouts, but did okay for the next twenty years or so(minus flashbacks). Managed to have a husband and children. Not easy, but managed. I'm in my forties now(later). The thing is, for any of the positive to happen I had to be open to it. They might have been sliver openings at the time, but I was open. Last year I almost committed suicide because my med had stopped working and my depression had enveloped me. I hung on. Wasn't easy. Didn't wake up and become cheery or happy instantaneously. Time, it all takes time. Somewhere in that time, you must have had something good to hold onto. If not, then I am sorry.

 

[Justpassintime]

Brit....seriously wow, we must be "brothers from another mother" or our fathers really got around....seriously.