Candleflames
Platinum Member
I guess I knew in the back of my mind that I'd wear this label at some point. I probably muscled through clinically significant periods in the past with often unhealthy coping methods. I've always rationalized that things weren't that bad, pretty crappy yes, but my childhood could have been so much worse so therefore I couldn't really have any problems from it. Sitting here typing this out for everyone to see is absolutely terrifying for me. A part of me expects a backlash for not belonging here even though intellectually I know this is a supportive and compassionate environment. I've been lurking for a couple months working up the nerve to post something.
Here is the deal: I am the result of adolescence hormones and so labeled the "mistake" for my entire family. That label gave them licenses to treat me horribly as they could then blame our dire circumstances on my existence. My parents did make a go of it but also treated each other badly as well. My father was very angry, coped with his anger by using various drugs and alcohol and then would beat the crap out of my mother, his girlfriends, my step-mother and me. A couple of times I was able to get out of the way fast enough so then my sister got the walloping.
It's wasn't just my dad that did the smacking around and the beatings were the least of my poor treatment. My step-mom got in on the action shortly after she entered the picture. My grandmother (dad's mom) before that. As much as the being smacked, punched, whipped (belt, belt buckle, willow branch), thrown threw windows and dragged by my hair and slammed into various hard objects or thorny bushes hurt it's the words that were the worst. That constant barrage of being called names or listing of all my horrible attributes and the almost daily being told that I was the biggest mistake ever made and how I ruined everyone's lives that makes me crumble.
I'm working with my 4th therapists. This time I opted for an MD. It took a while to find him. I heard a lot of sorry I can't help you in my search process. A few therapists even spent a good twenty minutes talking to me about their practice and then when I answered what I was looking to get out of therapy would make little gasping sounds or a sharp intake of breath. Then I'd hear how their practice was full. My current therapists took several months with me to tease out the different symptoms to make sure I didn't get a misdiagnosis. In addition to the PTSD I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (recurring) and Trichotillomania.
Sorry if I rambled here.
Here is the deal: I am the result of adolescence hormones and so labeled the "mistake" for my entire family. That label gave them licenses to treat me horribly as they could then blame our dire circumstances on my existence. My parents did make a go of it but also treated each other badly as well. My father was very angry, coped with his anger by using various drugs and alcohol and then would beat the crap out of my mother, his girlfriends, my step-mother and me. A couple of times I was able to get out of the way fast enough so then my sister got the walloping.
It's wasn't just my dad that did the smacking around and the beatings were the least of my poor treatment. My step-mom got in on the action shortly after she entered the picture. My grandmother (dad's mom) before that. As much as the being smacked, punched, whipped (belt, belt buckle, willow branch), thrown threw windows and dragged by my hair and slammed into various hard objects or thorny bushes hurt it's the words that were the worst. That constant barrage of being called names or listing of all my horrible attributes and the almost daily being told that I was the biggest mistake ever made and how I ruined everyone's lives that makes me crumble.
I'm working with my 4th therapists. This time I opted for an MD. It took a while to find him. I heard a lot of sorry I can't help you in my search process. A few therapists even spent a good twenty minutes talking to me about their practice and then when I answered what I was looking to get out of therapy would make little gasping sounds or a sharp intake of breath. Then I'd hear how their practice was full. My current therapists took several months with me to tease out the different symptoms to make sure I didn't get a misdiagnosis. In addition to the PTSD I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (recurring) and Trichotillomania.
Sorry if I rambled here.
