Gotta Get Some Things Out....

[Rennie]

I am having a really tough time time at the moment with visual hallucinations, huge stressors at work, a surgery coming up, and the usual nightmares.

But the whole time I am battling with myself not to self harm, I haven't in a year and I don't want to start again now, but I want to cut and cut deep, doing great damage - I will not though. As this is on my mind ALL the time my dream (in between nightmares) have become bloody, slasher film esqu.

I saw my T today and disclosed this stuff, she is good, she understands I am working hard not to give in but she reminded me that if I do give in she is a mandatory reporter to family services for my almost 6 year old. I already knew this but it scares the hell out of me, I can't stop shaking since our session this afternoon.

If family services got involved it's just one more step closer to my family finding out about my mental state, I can't let that happen, never ever. That would be the end of my house of cards - and that is not a good thing, I can't see me coming out of that. It scares me so much.

My T also floated the idea again that I might be too unwell to work, but I have to! I have a almost 50,000 dollar loan to pay and credit cards and bills, and a child to support. I have no choice, I wish I did but I don't :(

I just had to get that all out, thanks.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Rennie I know what the craving to cut feels like. It serves no purpose and you can get an infection from it. You have a lot on your plate, many stressors. Since you haven't cut for a year, how have you been handling things so you don't cut? Keep doing that and you were wise to tell your therapist even though her response about child protection services was nerve wracking. It's so true that your child needs safety and you know your child would be so so sad if anything happened to you. I am wondering how you managed to keep your history from your family through 6 hospitalizations? Your recent pressures will not last forever, things will get better for you. Hang in there!

 

[Rennie]

Yeah I know I just have to keep going, I feel like I am on the edge just walking that very fine line the whole time.
I pulled out my epi lady last night and did my legs last night to take my mind of it and dam it hurts!
My mum knew about the hospitalizations when I was younger but made me say I made it all up before she would talk to me again, she didn't talk to me for 2 years. Now I have taken time off work and not told her, and as I work away she knew no differnece.

Thanks I just have to keep going.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yikes, how not to be supportive. My mother didn't speak to me for a year when I was 26. As you can imagine I was never taught productive coping skills.

 

[BlueOrange]

The last time I had a serious urge to self-harm, I rang a crisis line, and was surprised at how useful they were. Not good at helping me face my deeper issues, but good at helping me stay away from cutting myself.

Glad you talked to your therapist. I wish you kindness.