Grief As A Trigger

[Nevermore]

i wonder if anyone else is like me with this. Grief triggers me - I don't mean eith the usual sorrow etc (but that too) - I feel very fearful and paranoid when I am that vulnerable. I want only to be able to hide somewhere and protect myself so I can cry out of sight of others
I'm in it now, for two days, since hearing of My baby brothers imminent death. )-; so sad...god! Too sad
I wonder if I will ever truly trust other human beings again. It's a weird thing to say but I envy those who can take comfort in others and feel safe being vulnerable.
My ex partner was the only one I trusted like that, but he's dead now. I really miss him !!!!
Am I alone with this? And if anyone else can relate, did you find ways to help yourself feel safe when feeling that vulnerable??
I can't avoid seeing people right now because I need to be there, with him, but......the fear is prickling me all over

 

[Friday]

Grief? No. Grief is an old friend.

But sadness? Yes. 100%. If I'm sad, I'm suicidal, and there is no pause or in between or middle ground. I've never really considered it as triggered, but that's likely true, considering how total and violent the reaction is.

Similarly I don't do vulnerable. I've been working really, really hard to talk about difficult things during -instead of after- them, which is a kissing cousin to vulnerability, but even that? Showing weakness is... Exceptionally difficult. And that's just weakness. Actually being vulnerable? No. I can't say never, but I can say never on purpose.

As far as feeling safe?

For me, that right there, is the key.

Safety is a feeling, not a reality.

So how so we invoke that feeling? My answers and yours will probably be different. Especially as I know very well that the things that make me feel safe, usually aren't actually that safe, or safe at all, but straight up dangerous. (And vice versa, things that are perfectly safe feel dangerous as f*ck). None the less, they do make me feel safe.

A kissing cousin to safe, for me, is killing fear. That one is easy; Action kills fear. So if I cannot (or really shouldn't) invoke feeling safe? I can do the next best thing & kill fear. Which helps. Not totally. But anything, when I'm doing that badly, is... Necessary. Welcomed. Greatly appreciated.

 

[Nevermore]

thank you @FridayJones
Believe it or not I Think I know what you mean by dangerous feels safe and safe feels dangerous.
I'm about to go to see my bro as wobbly as I feel.
Action kills fear. I like that. I'm afraid there is nothing I can do right now to hide the way I feel from others, but I must go.
In the meantime I saw an old friend and it was actually a huge relief, and I wonder if this fear is outmoded and actually maybe fear of fear that I have felt in the past when vulnerable.
Thank you for your words. They helped!
It helps to not feel alone....

 

[Nevermore]

my head feels like a traffic jam.
Grief is def a trigger for me - even though it seems I might be alone with this.
My symptoms are back in full force after almost two years of what felt like improvement.
My head is just all full of broken glass.
I don't know why I'm writing it here - maybe it feels safer to say it somewhere.
I love my brother. I want to be able to be there for him - not this jangled shipwreck of half thoughts and dissociation that I've become.
I feel angry at just About everyone but especially at myself. F**k me!! Failing again at something so important