Childhood Grieving the parts of me that died

[Fallfox984]

In therapy I've been focusing a lot more on CPTSD and a specific relational trauma in my childhood that had probably the biggest impact on me. I did my first EMDR session on it a few months ago and I just felt this massive feeling of grief/loss. At first we thought I was grieving the parent I had, since they became a completely different person after having an affair and starting a new family. Yes, I do feel like part of them died, but I actually think a part of me died too.

Growing up, I'd experienced a lot of trauma but it wasn't pointed at me. It wasn't until I was 10 that I experienced abandonment and rejection, and looking back now it must have felt like whiplash because I was so loved by the parent in question before. I also know that puberty is such an important time and experiencing big trauma, especially right toward the beginning, can have a lot of effects. That affair had a horrific ripple effect on my family and as the youngest and only one still living at home, I experienced it all, in the background. I think about how confident I could have been, or at least how much lighter my life could have felt had everything not happened. Instead, I have always felt uncomfortable in the world and apologetic for existing. I have so much shame and it's so heavy.

I told my therapist the other day that it feels like some parts of me didn't make it. They died back then too. It feels so somber and devastating. It's weird because since I was so young, it's not like I really recognized myself as having a before and after. It's more about the potential and what could have been. Not even being more successful or having more worldly things, just maybe I could have had a life where I didn't feel so much pain and emptiness and loneliness all the time.

 

[parrotthepolly]

What they did shouldn't have effected your view on yourself but most children do look up to their parents so it makes sense it distorted your view...

I completely relate to the last paragraph, do you think it's really still about the affair? I mean it's the parent's fault, not yours.

 

[Fallfox984]

What they did shouldn't have effected your view on yourself but most children do look up to their parents so it makes sense it distorted your view...

I completely relate to the last paragraph, do you think it's really still about the affair? I mean it's the parent's fault, not yours

It's not that I think the affair was my fault as much as it's the way that everything was affected in the aftermath. It was really complex. My parents both took their anger out on me instead of each other. When my mom found out about the affair, she kicked me out with my dad. Made me pack up all my things in a paper bag. She didn't talk to me for weeks and when she did, she made it seem like I was somehow responsible too (I had no idea). I get the sense my dad didn't want to take me so I felt like a burden and then I had a new family overnight. He was super cold after that. His girlfriend didn't really like me. It always felt like I disrupted this new life he was trying to have, and weirdly enough, that made me feel like I was actually the dirty evidence of his affair. Without me, it could have been really easy to just play it off like he'd just had a new baby with a person he was dating. My mom had a suicide attempt a few months after which I just happened to be home for, which was awful. That day we were supposed to go get ice cream and I was hoping she'd let me come home for good, or at least she'd stop being mad at me. My mom became an alcoholic for several years after, one of my sisters developed an awful addiction. Just a lot of sad things.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I have just seen this, from reading sounds like your mum and others had a lot of issues being severely impacted from the affair.

Your mum sent you off, is it possible she did because she knew she couldn't care for you. She dropped into a deep despair from it all that she knew she was going to try something and didn't want you there or to hurt you. You said she cared deeply, rather than blaming you maybe it was shame and guilt.

As adults we can misunderstand someones intentions or actions, as children we barely understand. Some things can feed into themselves after that, become something else.

What potential was there is not dead and gone, it's still there, buried deep. It's never too late to start something new or to achieve. May not be what we thought, it never is.

 

[arfie]

I told my therapist the other day that it feels like some parts of me didn't make it. They died back then too. It feels so somber and devastating.

in my own recovery, i have needed to grieve the lost ideals, such as the me that will never be, more than the people attached. when parents and siblings died my grief was more for the healing we never achieved than the end of their suffering. in my own estimation, the death of hope is a far greater tragedy than the loss of life.

It's weird because since I was so young, it's not like I really recognized myself as having a before and after.

5 years ago, i probably would have agreed. 6 years ago my youngest son and his wife were killed in a car wreck, leaving me with their 3 young children to raise. working through the grieving process with them has lead me to believe they have a strong sense of before and after. not so much the words with which to express that sense. i have a much larger vocabulary, but most of these yaddah blahs live quite far beyond words.

 

[DSkyler]

In my experience trauma recovery involves a lot of grief and mourning about what might have been, the parts of us we lost of ourselves too.

Part of the grieving can bring those parts back, breathe new life into them as it were. But the pain has to be reprocessed I think, and that is not great and is often overwhelming.

Good luck with the emdr. I find it extremely beneficial as a modality. I hope it helps you navigate the loss and loneliness and recover parts of yourself.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's more about the potential and what could have been.

Totally understand. Who could we have been? What decisions would we have made?
How much of our personality now is shaped through what we went through?
There is a lot to process.
And to accept.
It's not easy but you're clearly well on the way with exploring it all.

I could have had a life where I didn't feel so much pain and emptiness and loneliness all the time.

You still can. That emptiness and loneliness can subside. And in it's place comes a sense of self worth, a fullness, a contentedness. And the pain grows smaller into a 'sad acceptance' I think.
Sad in that, it's sad those things happened and they shouldn't have, but they did.

It can get better.

I also think it's hard to grieve the intangible at times. How do you grieve what you don't know and never had? I found that very confusing.