Guilt And Memories

[bluelilly82]

I feel a lot of guilt over the parts of the abuse that WERE my fault. Right now I hate myself, I hated being abused and wished it hadnt happened but if it had to happen why did I have to be someone who's not really a victim? Someone who MADE some of it happen

 

[DharmaGirl]

NOBODY deserves abuse. Nobody! Not any child. The first thing my T told me was that it was not my fault. Are you seeing a trauma therapist? Its not your fault. You acted the way you did because of the abuse. Monster

 

[The Albatross]

Blue Lily... just because you may have, after honest self assessment, come to the conclusion that some of your own actions were causal or exacerbating to the abuse you endured does NOT mean you aren't truly a victim.

Familial or relational dysfunctions are very seldom cut and dried. Very few people are "victims" 100% of the time. I had to accept that about myself. I came to a similar conclusion that you did. I had to deal with my part in the dysfunction, grief, shame, blame and learn how to cope with the feelings. No one is perfect. Abused people will sometimes fight back or try to stop the abuse by taking a stand.

I initiated some of the dysfunction in my first marriage. But what I have come to realize is that his family, my family and our marriage was sick and dysfunctional from the start. I was in survival mode... and sometimes in that mode I would choose "FIGHT".

 

[Tanishq]

Guilt do throw us in victim mentality. it's hard to come out from it. I am also poor dealing with guilt. They are still in my mind. I never meant harm to anyone nor never meant to waste their time. Though I was accused of making bad things to them.

I understand you bluelily :hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

There came a day where I decided I no longer wanted to be a victim but a survivor. I felt, by being a victim, I was giving the abuser too much control over me. I also do not want anyone to think of me as being a victim.

No matter what you did, you didn't ask the person to be abusive. This is important for you to remember. The abuser had control over their actions. They decided how they reacted. My mother was choking me once because, she said, I provoked her. I almost hit her to make her stop, but stopped because she was my mother. My sister jumped in to help pull her off. To the day she died she has never admitted to doing this and has said, if she did do it it was my fault. She decided how to react and how she reacted was not my fault. If I have to own my behavior, I expect others to do the same. I use to blame myself for others behavior. It has taken a long time to get to that point. Doesn't mean I don't fall back.


Please allow yourself to heal. Please treat yourself as you would probably treat another victim. Give yourself acceptance of what happened. Allow yourself to grieve, but, please do not believe your actions caused your abuse. They had a choice to react differently, they didn't.

I wish you healing and forgiveness.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have felt much the same about teen and adult abuse. More recently I've found a more detailed picture of childhood abuse, and I'm beginning to accept that parts of my personality don't function properly....but it is not because I'm a 'bad' person - it is because the view I made as I developed got warped by my experiences.

I havn't dealt with the guilt and feeling that I'm always a 'bad' person. But seeing it this way helps me to be objective. So I can look at my personality and my outlook and start to work on one dysfunction at a time. I can't change the past, and I try not to dwell on so much time being abused as an adult, when I had a choice. But I'm making the choice now, to try and learn how to make better choices.