Guilt

[Bristol]

so today i am all about the guilt. I got drunk last night so i feel guilty that im wasting a saturday feeling rubbish, it turns out that when i was drunk last night i kept telling my husband that i had a secret. He knows nothing of my past or current state of mind. Today he had been gently nudging me because he thinks i am cheating on him of all things! So i feel guilty for not letting him in, not trusting him but equally i would feel guilty for dumping all this on him. i feel guilty for not telling anyone that we cant get pregnant, let alone the guilt that my mum isnt a gran yet and may never be. I feel ghilty for myself that i didnt do anythin to stop myself being abused as a small child and i feel guilty for the way i continue to treat myself like crap. Then i feel guilty for sometimes wonderig if its all worth it, because of the guilt that would leave ny family with. I literally cant escape it and its so stupid.

Can anyone reassure me that im doing the right thing by dealing with all this alone and saving everyone from knowing the extent to what i have been through or should i be putting myself first and not facing this alone?

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Oh goodness I can relate to this one. I felt a moral obligation for many years to protect everyone from knowing what had happened. I felt telling them would be spreading the filth and would be too distressing. There is no psychologist on earth that would think it's helpful to them or you to keep shouldering this burden. If you are getting drunk and admitting to keeping secrets then you really aren't 'protecting' them anyways at this point -- now they are just feeling the stress without the information.

I am sure you know this, but you need to open up to a therapist or your spouse, preferably both. Get your self armed with support, be brave and relieve your self of these toxic secrets. Believe me, your spouse won't be as hurt as you think. You lived the devastation. To them it will be surprising but probably seem like old news after just a few weeks. Hearing info is simply not the same as living it.

Take good care of yourself. There is no one else that can care for you but you.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I write all of that in terms of discussing with your spouse. I really can't comment on discussing with immediate family. I have yet to tell my family what they failed to protect me from.

 

[Bristol]

I hadnt thought of it like that, that he only has to hear it, not live it. I think i always assumed it would make him feel as bad as i do but it cant do because to him it will be a story. Thank you for that insight i needed to hear that. I have a really good T and have told her that i have been thinking about telling him and i think finally talking about it with her is what is planting the seed to tell him.