Guts In Pain and Turmoil As I Write My Story Start To Finish

[Marilyn_S]

Hello Hope,

Writing out your story takes courage on your part. Especially since as you said, it causes such flashes and retrauma. But hang in there. I know you can do it. I too had difficulty at first. It was like I was puking the stuff up from out of a clueless brain that had stashed it somewhere and totally forgot until I began writing. I am with you in spirit! Continue the good work and take it at a pase you can handle without causing shut down or complete crisis. Take gentle care of yourself.

Marilyn S.

 

[goingonhope]

Lorry: Ya' the waiting list I'm on is with a specialist in PTSD, I do hope they call soon, though I must say I'm rather afraid just to give them any personal info. on me and our family for their records.

They also offer family therapy and I even asked about an eval. for my 7yr. old son, as he seems to have a sudden onset of lots of anger, and his teacher is a yeller, and he one of the boys that gets yelled at freq. and teach comments, "it's as if the light are on and nobody is home." And, yet he academically he's above average. I'm just worried about our son bc he's been behaving angrily, even strangely sometimes, suddenly regresses in his toileting and has in the last two wks. has been physically lashing out at us and his sister, which he never did before.

I haven't yet requested for him to be put on the waiting list, for an eval., however, bc again, I'm scared, and don't want anyone confusing him and us and giving a perfectly normal kid some false diagnosis, or something. And, I won't ever allow my child to be prescribe ANY med's, so long as he's a child. And that's what many of these places do, they offer a service, hook you in and up with psychiatry, and mostly want you coming back.

On the other hand I don't want to neglect finding him counsel if he needs it. Confused.

slhlilbit: Thank you so much for the wonderful encouragement and support. You bet' I will keep trying to get it all out, and reread and reread. And, I hope that, my husb. and I, can put all our experience(s) to use, and continue to just be willing to learn and grow through this (my ptsd), and so much more, as I really do love him.

Reminds me of something I once read along the lines of this: "there's love the action and then there's love the feeling, the fruit of action."

Well, without action and more actions of love, we cease to experience the feeling of love, or behold it's fruit. And, my challenge lay in balancing and portioning out my actions of love for my husb., kids, others, and now myself. I mean just coming on the forum and hoping to learn, to share, to grow and support others and my own healing, is a positive action of love. And, yet finding and maintaining that balance can be so difficult.

I mean, before joining the forum, I must say that there was one less person to love. As I was not taking care of myself, not considering myself, and as I was blindly going downhill with untreated PTSD, so was I dragging them down with me. And, my lord, I thought I was doing everything right by excluding me, but rather I was ill and growing resentful. And, now again the balance, it can't be all me either.

please, if you will, slhlilbit pardon the length of my response, I just feel inspired tonight through your support and encoragement. THX again.

Marilyn: So Marilyn, you have written your story, and finished it? Now that's brave, bc your talking finishing something. I've never been very good at finishing something. I've gotten started off real well in many things and then stopped, dissappeared and hid-out. I'd like to start by writing a new story, another words, really do this, pace it as you've said, but be persistent to it's end, all while balancing it with the present, bc frankly I don't care about any of this, if while in the process I lose the love of my family, .....precious kids and truly a good, kind husb., no matter how much I complain sometimes, he's just struggling right now too. Thank you, Marilyn for everything, the valid. and the guid., this support is very much appreciated and you can bet it will be put to action and good use, immed.

Hope

 

[goingonhope]

After a long day, more than ready for sleep.

Wrote another piece of my story today. It was a very, very hard piece I will say. I'm so proud of myself for writing about this trauma, bc it was that one, that I was suddenly having flashbacks with and reliving, while out in public, and with an audience, and OMG, how embarrassing this was given all my recovery efforts over the last 10 sober yrs. And, then I got sh't for being in that condition from a woman that I'm only acquainted with. And it with that in my face horror, (reg. my father), the scene I made, and my humiliation and determination that followed that soon prompted me to get on-line and type in search PTSD and Recovery.

 

[goingonhope]

Just plain shaking like a leaf now. My attitude is good, but I feel jumpy, and nervous. Pleased with myself and I feel some relief, almost like a freedom, in looking at and sharing some of my past. Things I never before could afford to look back at, and in some instances could not have even retrieved.

It's true for me that many memories do come back as I write. Personally, I'm like re-living it, as if I'm right there in the moment. But, fortunately I can look around, sometimes decide to focus on something else, maybe even an object, or look out my windows and know I'm safe. The problem is that what I see and know to be true, doesn't necessary always coincide with what I'm feeling.

Yesterday, I worked darn' hard accomplishing much physical work around the house so as to stay focused on the present. Listened to a great deal of music, while I worked. Love Music!

Then came the point that I knew I was going to have to take it somewhat easy throughout the afternoon and evening. I communic. my needs to my husb. and re-assured him that I would still be available. Which I did fairly good and was, up until supper time.

I simply cannot stand to have supper though, these, days, with my husb. evenings. This has been going on for sometime now.

The truth is whether he likes it acknowledged or not, we're all sitting at the table, as if walking on eggshells, bc everything MUST be noticed, corrected, and exaggerated about what we're doing or not doing. It's all self-defeating, and I can see it clear as a bell. And, I always get pulled into it, no matter what I do. Bc if I say something, I'm wrong, and should have said it sooner, or differently and if I don't I'm wrong for leaving it all up to him. It's all about his control and it's so detrimental.

The craziest thing about it all, is I'm certain any observer could see, they'd see it quite honestly has nothing to do with us being wrong, but rather him being controlling, overly sensitive, denying his fears, incl. that of fear of lack of control,

...and even when he tries to correct it, he tries to stifle what he's thinking and feeling it just spills out all over us, and escalates everything. It has a bad effect on the kids, even when I say nothing. Why? bc It's Inappropriate !

I'm sick of that sh't. And, it's a real reality, and it presents real triggers, and it sucks! And our kids and I are caught in a no win situation, for the time being, at supper and it pisses me off. (Hopefully only for the time being...well a long time being at that).

Well my attitude was good ! But, hey what am I suppose to do blame it on myself, bc I'm the one with PTSD. As if others w/o PTSD are (normal, right, correct, mature, clued-in). I'd take being me anyday over, being anyone else, bc I generally (not always) know WTF, is going on around me, bc since I was rather young I had to learn quickly in order to survive.

I've watched like a hawk, observed, studied, even researched, and sought after much education and later further study of people, much reflection, self-analysis, and pers. inventory to the best of my impaired ability, all bc I felt I must to survive. And, in many cases, I did have to. I suspect perhaps, many times I no longer had to, but WTF, it made me all the more wiser for it.

Impaired in the present bc, I've never shared much of the nightmare of my past, or even owned it for too long a time. It just wasn't happening, and some of it way beyond my control.

I'm noticing that I'm obviously angry right now, and suppose it's better shared and cut in half than stuffed down inside me.

Hope

 

[map9]

Keep on keeping on

Dear Hope, Be proud of what you have accomplished thus far. Do for the child that is within you (that you now meet on occasion) something good and wholesome. I did that for myself when I was having to go through what you are now. I bought myself a teddy bear, yeah laugh all you want but I so desperately wanted one as a kid. I went to fun events for all ages such as fairs and to the zoo. Stuff that people take for granted that never had an abusive childhood.

I did what I could to nurture myself in the here and now but to also keep in mind that my wellness hinged on me confronting all the demons from my past. It took me nearly my lifetime thus far to come to a place I could actually forgive my perpetrators. In the forgiving I was coming to a place where I made the distinction of not forgetting but acknowledging. Call it "I shall forgive with all my heart and soul but I will never forget as it is a key part of me."

It set my spirit free. I was able to put a huge distance between me and my shame, guilt, anger, confusion and depression. Now, don't get the idea all is well. I'm by no means 100% but honestly, no one is. I take the fact that I have survived and been able to overcome through my struggles a lot and I made the step to honor myself when I put up my boundaries. That was essentially my greatest accomplishment. No longer a doormat for the perps (who are within my family) or the other people outside my family who had hurt me.

One day when one very nasty comment was said to me over the phone I replied "Speaking that way, as you have to me, let's me know what kind of a person you are, therefore I'm making a decision right now that I don't need this in my life any longer. Please, don't ever, under any circumstances call, write, come over or be around me ever again and if I should meet you somewhere in the future this still stands as my request. I will go to whoever to enforce this to the fullest extent of the law." At that point I hung up. Didn't say good-bye or anything encouraging. That was the most difficult moment for me, but this person had hurt me in mind, body and spirit for the last time. It was as if I was someone else and who was this woman? I really liked her and I laughed until I cried and then I got my teddy bear and hugged it.

I was doing for me what should have been done nearly a half century ago! You too can do somthing like this. It takes just one step at a time but you will get there. It's like an old chair or table, your peeling back the layers of paint (the methods we use to survive as a child) and getting to the real wood (the genuine you) and just now your realizing the great potential and the beauty of the grain in the wood and the glowing color that is this piece of furniture (you) and what a real treasure it is even though it had been found on a trash heap (our life in the throes of PTSD) but what a useful and nice piece it is (the realization or epiphany of the truth) and how it will enhance so much. We mourn for the past and grieve for the incidents that harmed us. Now we can go on, believe me your spirit is clear and clean and always is and always was.

Just because we were hurt does not make us lesser people if anything it makes us much more valuable for we have the insight into something most people can only guess at and imagine. Have courage for even when it's darkest there will be a coming dawn. Make that next moment, day, minute or second count for yourself. In so doing you can help another poor soul on the ladder of wellness. You will be able to give a hand up for some person who is drowning in misery. Because you have been there and you have made it and become wise and stronge as well as compassionate. Your hope is my hope.

Love, map9

 

[goingonhope]

I haven't liked the name of this thread for days now. Initially I thought it would just be a place to help process my feelings and get them out, as I wrote my story and relived much pain. But, then after reading another thread with a question about self-pity and all, and me being initially overly sensitive that evening and feeling triggered, I decided I regretted starting this thread, and not bc of what I think, but bc of what I fear others think. Well, I'm glad it was only initial and I did get passed it, and did take a couple days off the forum for a break. Something we all need sometimes.

I'm truly learning alot and many of them positive, and just one negative thing that being those long past, voices seated in meetings of AA, that both shouted and suggested: forget it, don't talk about it, it's all self-pity, it's nothing a day without a drink won't take care of, just don't drink, feel it, suffer you bastard suffer but just don't drink, fake it to you make it, act like your well and so forth, :angry-fla they were all clueless, A'holes. I was certainly clueless about some things too, but don't recall ever being like the one's I'm thinking of now. Why? Bc in fact, I wasn't. I've never been just plain stupid, mean and indifferent without damn' good reasons, and yet I still was wrong.

So when I was triggered with my own fears and the word self-pity, I got afraid and at first thought this is wrong for me to tell my story. BC just be willing to do so invites much pain, and with it may come bouts of self-pity, and if so, then I'm wrong. I'm doing something wrong, I was fearing. But then, I squared it all away with myself and in my head. And, then later with all the good info. and mention of self-absorption and narcissum, well that has been a part of me in my earlier day, I didn't want to be that way, I was deeply ashamed, and did everything I could to change, and continue to do everything I can to change. I've made enormous progress in my life, and I have something to be proud of. I'm willing to grow, to heal to change, but I'm going to keep a watchful, guided eye on just what the heck' I think I ought to be changing into and for whom.

This post is turning into something. I'm not sure what, but what I am sure of tonight is that positive changes are happening in me every day, and this benefits my family and that's most importantly why I am so desperately willing. I love my family very much.

Just trying to open up some, bc even though today was great, after adding tonight to my story, and staying up too late, I'm not feeling at all well, but I am trusting. Despite everything, I'm doing well tonight and not needing any response to this vent.

**

map9, I do apoligize for not respondiing directly to what you've posted above. You did get my prior PM's though I know, and you know how I feel about your response to me. And, again thank you.

Hope

 

[willing]

Hope,
You could be a psychic because just Friday I freaked out realizing I have about three folks I turn too in my head. I was worried about Multiple Personalities but I do agree it is more like compartmentalizing. And they all have conversations with each other in my head so I am standing back as if I am a movie screen and they do there thing but I feel it all. And especially in the trauma of remembering. I am just starting this so I think it really shines when it comes out during the flashbacks. I won't do it alone yet, only with a therapist because one of my personalities does the whole pathetic, useless waste of a person thing which sends me down the path of suicidal thoughts which happens to be my younger 4 year old who doesn't speak but just gets intense waves of emotion. And then there is the eighteen year old you man who is my protector and champion and is there for me and supports the young girl and tells the evil witch to backoff. But when he is gone or in a bad place I can't seem to get out of the spin of suicidal thought. Sorry for writing so much but I have never identified them so this is great. Anyway, good idea to post as you go. I could never do that, but then again I have never tried. I think though I will stick with my therapist until the big chuncks are through.
As a side note, I agree with Anthony it is not that big of a deal. I don't forget between personalities. These folks are a part of me and I think just being aware of them I can actually learn to deal with each and heal each one. If that makes sense.
Patty

 

[goingonhope]

those long past, voices seated in meetings of AA, that both shouted and suggested: forget it, don't talk about it, it's all self-pity, it's nothing a day without a drink won't take care of, just don't drink, feel it, suffer you bastard suffer but just don't drink, fake it to you make it, act like your well and so forth,

Just feel I need to clarify the source of these voices. They were people, some now dead, some still alive. They literally drove me and other AA memb. mad while attending what we thought was AA, but opinion is they were nothing but a sordid group of arrogant, egotistical, deranged arseholes, (half of them didn't even speak as if they had or understood true alcoholism). And fact is: they misrepresented AA, all it's principles and all the good it can do for some people. True, I was there with PTSD, in addition to my alcoholism, and didn't know it at that time.

However, had I been allowed to be honest, instead of pressured to conform to the norm which was SICK, (which I rejected and felt I had to fight to save others and myself from destructive brainwashing), then I would've cleared up sooner, actually heard the disease of alcoholism described and it's solution, seen my own truth(s) and been able to do something about it sooner.

Call this self-pity, call it whatever, I call it my pain, anger and resentment (at times bordering on rage) born of much unnecessary pers. re-living of trauma, new traumas, and witness to others corruption, cruelty, jealouosy, hatred and indifference. And in fact, what I put in quotes, is just a tiny tip of the nonsense that many of us, in those unusual meetings, had to sort and sift through. And, everything I could see, and I could see pretty damn' clear, and right through all the bullsh't, I had to, for the most part, just stuff down.
Angry right now :angry-fla !

Perhaps my state also has something to do with present flashbacks, I'm having tonight, of re-living a time long ago in which I sat stranded, feeling kidnapped, very young, at a bar with my dad and his twisted and deranged, immoral head games he use to play with me all the time.

 

[goingonhope]

Willing, Hey thanks, I know what you're talking about, I had a friend who has PTSD and this is the way she described it for her. Though at that time I had never compartmentalized to the point in which she was speaking, I understood what she was suggesting about herself. And, the way I understood it then, with K) is just the way someone else here earlier in this thread said, speaking of different times in our lives, different realities with it's different threats, and our feelings of increased need for different defense mechanisms and coping strategies at different times in our lives.

However when it comes to perceiving myself at times, everything gets all distorted, with me not seeing the good and being unmerciful to self and full of many fears. And so, even though no therapist or anyone for that matter has ever suggested I'm suffering with MPD, I don't need them to, as often if I fear I have something, I get confused with what's fear and what reality.

And then my husb. says tonight that as he see's, it the different stages of personality is normal for everyone.

I may have made it sound like I have other voices, I don't, I do however remember memories of hearing the voices of other people and most especially my abusers, but outside of that it's just me.

Anyhow Willing, Please take care and good hearing from you.

 

[goingonhope]

This just dawned on me. The word 'compartmentalized' may mean one thing to me and understood differently by someone else. I'm going to have to read detailed clinical material on what 'comp....' even really means, bc I've been only assuming I know.